ChatterBank2 mins ago
Finished with married man and desperately upset
53 Answers
A few months ago I posted that I had been seeing a married man for over two years and that I wanted to break free, but was finding it desperately hard to do so. Your comments were all similar in that it was heading nowhere but heartbreak.
Today I finally managed to end the relationship, after many, many false starts in which I would always take him back.
We hadn't actually met up for over a year. His wife was constantly ill and it meant she was at home all day and he couldn't risk my travelling the 150 miles to meet him for a few hours in case she was suspicious. She had found out about us early on, but they decided to stay together for the sake of the children and he pretended to her it was over with me.
She, meanwhile, led a full social life with weekends away, but didn't trust her husband to do the same and he was terrified he'd be found out again and kicked out of the house.
So anyway this non-meeting but daily calls and texts went on for a year, and finally this week he said he could drive to see me at the weekend. I've got things planned and told him so, and asked how he could possibly get away without suspicion if he wouldn't let me pop up during the week?
I realised then that, although I had longed to see him, the reality meant more lying to his wife and more deception, and I would still be left without him as he went back to her after his visit.
So I told him I can't do this anymore. I told him that his marriage is obviously still viable and that even though he classifies himself as separated, that isn't the case at all. He still pretends he is a faithful husband and panders to her every whim, and I simply can't do it anymore.
It's been a terrible ending, and not the one I envisaged at all. He wants nothing to do with me anymore after all my false endings in the past, and I just need some support in getting over this. He was such a massive part of my life and although I have a busy life he was a touchstone each day, a friend to chat to and we really did have a special bond.
Any help here would be hugely appreciated. I feel like I'm in mourning.
Today I finally managed to end the relationship, after many, many false starts in which I would always take him back.
We hadn't actually met up for over a year. His wife was constantly ill and it meant she was at home all day and he couldn't risk my travelling the 150 miles to meet him for a few hours in case she was suspicious. She had found out about us early on, but they decided to stay together for the sake of the children and he pretended to her it was over with me.
She, meanwhile, led a full social life with weekends away, but didn't trust her husband to do the same and he was terrified he'd be found out again and kicked out of the house.
So anyway this non-meeting but daily calls and texts went on for a year, and finally this week he said he could drive to see me at the weekend. I've got things planned and told him so, and asked how he could possibly get away without suspicion if he wouldn't let me pop up during the week?
I realised then that, although I had longed to see him, the reality meant more lying to his wife and more deception, and I would still be left without him as he went back to her after his visit.
So I told him I can't do this anymore. I told him that his marriage is obviously still viable and that even though he classifies himself as separated, that isn't the case at all. He still pretends he is a faithful husband and panders to her every whim, and I simply can't do it anymore.
It's been a terrible ending, and not the one I envisaged at all. He wants nothing to do with me anymore after all my false endings in the past, and I just need some support in getting over this. He was such a massive part of my life and although I have a busy life he was a touchstone each day, a friend to chat to and we really did have a special bond.
Any help here would be hugely appreciated. I feel like I'm in mourning.
Answers
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Yes you will feel like that, any break up even if "illicit in basis" is like a mourning. I think you've done the right thing but then again most people will say that but it doesn't help does it. I do hope you come to terms with the finality of it all, I'm sure if you can fill your time with other things that take your mind off it, it will help, but meanwhile you will go through the mourning period until happier times come into your life. I wish you well.
When you fall for someone, you fall for them, and no amount of rational reasoning and stacking up reasons why it's bad for you will stop that feeling.
So ending that relationship - as opposed to having it ended for you, is a massive step to take, and it will need a lot of time for your to assimilate the new circumstances into your life.
People talk about 'getting over' a breakup, but I don't believe you do get over it, I believe you weave it into the fabric of your life, and eventually it finds a place there where it doesn't cause you massive pain on a daily basis.
That takes time. The cliche 'Time is a great healer' is like all cliches - true. But no-one mentiones that 'time' is not a short measure, so you need to accept that, it helps towards the process of getting on with your life without this man in it.
At first, it will be a constant presence, always there, always hurting. But because the human psyche is good at healing itself, that massive hurt will receede, but it can come roaring back without warning. Don't look to feel better a bit day by day, that's not how it works. It can come back ages into the future, brought on by a sound, a thought, a place, a smell, any of those things can suddenly plunge you back into your grief as though it was yesterday.
But again, thos incidents do pass, so you simply have to allow the time taken, and try to be good to yourself.
The hardest part is not going back, because that will simply scratch open the wounds that split you up in the first place, so you ned to be very very strong, and know that you have done the right thing for everyone, however agonising that feels in the small hours.
You will get past this - there is plenty of support on here, so post away, there are good people wo will be there for you when you need them.
A x
So ending that relationship - as opposed to having it ended for you, is a massive step to take, and it will need a lot of time for your to assimilate the new circumstances into your life.
People talk about 'getting over' a breakup, but I don't believe you do get over it, I believe you weave it into the fabric of your life, and eventually it finds a place there where it doesn't cause you massive pain on a daily basis.
That takes time. The cliche 'Time is a great healer' is like all cliches - true. But no-one mentiones that 'time' is not a short measure, so you need to accept that, it helps towards the process of getting on with your life without this man in it.
At first, it will be a constant presence, always there, always hurting. But because the human psyche is good at healing itself, that massive hurt will receede, but it can come roaring back without warning. Don't look to feel better a bit day by day, that's not how it works. It can come back ages into the future, brought on by a sound, a thought, a place, a smell, any of those things can suddenly plunge you back into your grief as though it was yesterday.
But again, thos incidents do pass, so you simply have to allow the time taken, and try to be good to yourself.
The hardest part is not going back, because that will simply scratch open the wounds that split you up in the first place, so you ned to be very very strong, and know that you have done the right thing for everyone, however agonising that feels in the small hours.
You will get past this - there is plenty of support on here, so post away, there are good people wo will be there for you when you need them.
A x
>>>He was such a massive part of my life
>>>We hadn't actually met up for over a year
Contradiction?
Sorry but you sound as though you like the idea of being in love, without the actual fact of phyically being with someone.
A relationship with a maried man who lives 150 miles away is no great recipe for a successful long term relationship.
Sounds to me you need some other interest in your life (and not a married man).
>>>We hadn't actually met up for over a year
Contradiction?
Sorry but you sound as though you like the idea of being in love, without the actual fact of phyically being with someone.
A relationship with a maried man who lives 150 miles away is no great recipe for a successful long term relationship.
Sounds to me you need some other interest in your life (and not a married man).
Well I have to agree with "Ummmm" in that it evolved into just friendship but with the 'agreement' that one day we would meet up again. But after a year of not meeting we lost the momentum and now it's over it's the bond I miss so much. We can't be friends but neither can bear the thought of the other meeting someone else, but at the end of the day he is a married man and unwilling to compromise in any respect.
Thank you Andy, a lovely answer that got me in floods of tears again! And yes, I think it was the idea, the fantasy, for BOTH of us - he always lived in cloud cuckoo land and said things like "I never give up hope that we will meet again", as though he had nothing to do with it and was leaving it to fate. It's probably why we got on so well, both fantasists and possibly neither of us deep down ever really wanting to be together properly. But it's that that I miss, the fact we could relate to each other so well and understood each other's foibles and oddities. But I couldn't carry on. Every night I'd be scared about what he and his wife were doing, talking about etc. It's no way to live.
And Andy again you are right, there's no going back because it won't ever change anything. He wanted the wife and family security and me as his rock (as he called me), but was petrified I'd meet someone else. Not on, not on at all.
And Andy again you are right, there's no going back because it won't ever change anything. He wanted the wife and family security and me as his rock (as he called me), but was petrified I'd meet someone else. Not on, not on at all.
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