does the problem lie with me?

[peason77]

last October my on/off relationship of 3 years ended. I was emotionally abused, and he basically used me like a puppet on a string. He used to walk out on me then reappear between 2wks -2months later. I, like a fool took him back on each occasion but I finally found the strength to say no more. In December i met a nice man who my friends knew and they all said he was a really decent chap and i should atleast allow him to take me out for a meal...i did and we are now in a relationship. He know's of my fragile past and it's quite clear to see i'm still in a vunerable place, but i was getting stronger, until this weekend. I went out with my new partner for a meal with my brother and his wife. I happened to make a flippant comment to my brother and my partner 'oh, what are you boys talking about?.. let me guess cars?' (in the same manner a man may joke that females were talking about shoes or shopping) i never thought anything about it until we got home that night (he'd had 3 pints of bud) when he told me he was annoyed at my comment and i had made him feel small?? which i thought strange, but i guessed he may have been feeling insecure himself so i apologised and said i never intended to cause any bad feeling (he knows i'm a complete softie and wouldn't hurt anyone) but then he said he was going home because he was tired and had work the following morning(i know he hadn't intended on going home prior to the argument). He has been tired several times over since we have met and always wanted to stay with me. So i felt he was punishing me. I pleaded with him to stay. He said no, then ok, then said he was going again. I was upset because i really didn't see what i'd done wrong. He eventually ended up staying,and we talked the following night. He still stuck to the story he was tired( i definately believe that was an excuse). Now, my ex used to threaten to walk on me all the time, sometimes doing so, for no reason and i was left hanging. I can't help but feel my current partner (knowing my history) was a bit cruel to me and almost enjoyed me begging him to stay. Now days later i feel his actions have tarnished my feelings for him and i've put walls up again. I can't shake the feeling that he enjoyed that power over me. I don't want to be hurt again. Do i have the right to say look, please don't threaten to walk out on me again (he says he would have contacted me the following day?)as i'd rather clear the air instead of you throwing a tantrum on me and leaving me, or is it my disturbed past that is making his actions trouble me so. Part of me wants to get out now, not because i want to but because i fear being hurt again. Am i being petty?

[tinkerbell23]

The old me would have done what you doe and pleaded to stay...

However i learned from the old me (you should too) and would have just said ok...go home then!! Cos u really didnt do anything wrong....

Probs would have contacted you...and if he didnt then stuff him...

Please please dont go back to the old way, seriously ive been there and its so hard to pick yourself back up as you well know.....lots of luv. Xx

[grasscarp]

You may not have yet someone who is right for you. You can't make anyone promise not to do anything.

[peason77]

i know you're right tinkerbell23, thank you. I kind of knew that i shouldn't be asking him to stay as i did so, but it was like i panicked. Do you think i have the right to say to him please don't threaten to walk again, in future i would really like to iron out an argument, because if you do threaten to walk again,i won't be begging you to stay this time. I mean it seems all the more cruel of him knowing EXACTLY that this is what my ex used to do. I don't want to seem petty by bringing it up agian, but i feel that if i don't make my feelings clear now, i could go another 2 months down the line, he'd walk and the pain would be even worse then! i just am so confused.

[pdust]

if thats all you said to him, i really cant understand why he said he felt small. Its just a fun comment you made... did you make the comment in a light way (that what it seems from your post) if you did and he got annoyed like that i would have let him go.... dont be pleading with him specially if you havent done any wrong.

[Old_Geezer]

Oh goodness - chopping that lot up into paragraphs would make it less daunting.

[grasscarp]

For the future, if you start another relationship, don't tell them everything about past partners and what went wrong. Keep your weaknesses hidden.

[rowanwitch]

No harm in saying to him you would prefer it if he didn't use the threat of walking out as it triggers really bad feelings for you let him know if there is a problem you would prefer to talk it through but make it clear your feelings are coming from what happened before...he is not responsible for those feelings but if he likes you he should be able to accept they are something you may need support in dealing with.. If he 'doesn't get it' and does it again think carefully about the relationship and how much work you are willing to put into changing the way you deal with your 'conditioning' and responses and if you think he is worth it. It may b you are still to meet the right person so maybe pulling back a little and reducing the depth of your involvement would be helpful

[4getmenot]

my ex had control over me too. Took me ages to let anyone in and now I have a man that truely loves me. In the early days though we had our one and only argument when I went out and he got annoyed I was doing my own thing. He really swore at me about it, and whilst I was out I got a nasty message from him to which I said 'my ex treated me like crap, I know you are not like this and I will not put up with it again and if he was that annoyed he should just go' when I got home he was there and apologised saying it took that long to get with me he couldnt lose me. Since then we dont argue, I do what I want, he does what he wans and we trust eachother completely. You just need to talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel about it.

[Sqad]

OG I agree.......half way down, my eyes went "all funny" and i felt dizzy, fell off my chain and hit my head on the PC table.

Anyway i am back from casualty now after X-Rays MRI scans and urgent neurosurgery and will answer.

pearson.....the behaviour sited above by the two examples given above illustrate normal male behaviour to being threatened. So if you are to survive in the heterosexual world, then this is something that you will have to deal with.

This is no big deal........learn to live with this as it is going to be a major situation in the forthcoming years, whoever your partner might be.

[Prudie]

I put up with a partner like your first (my fault) and endured years of heartache and anguish and was treated like a complete slug. I'd now say to you, after a long time reflecting on my own past relationship, that you should walk away. I know it's hard but any man who was really into someone wouldn't treat them like that or make up lines about being tired and wanting to go home- it doesn't seem he's that bothered about the possible outcomes of his behaviour.

[ummmm]

It just sounds like he's had a bit of a strop on.

Walking out on you, and going home, are two different things.

[4getmenot]

and he may well have done it to see your reaction or to get some attention. And when you give him that attention it starts off the whole having power over you. So just tell him its up to him.

[tinkerbell23]

Yeah- im not critisising you at all cos i know how you feel!! But i think your insecurities crept in a bit, as ummm says walking out an not staying over are different and if he dosent want to stay then he dosent need to .. (i repeat not criticizing u, i was once the one hugging exs leg!!)

You have the right to say how you feel ...but its all over with now hopefuly- he was childish and three the toys out the pran with the "im going home" next time say OK see you tomorrow.....xxx

[peason77]

i get that i should have used paragraphs guys. Forgive me! If a man can get threatened by me suggesting that he was talking about cars well....... i don't know of many women who would take personal offence if a man suggested they were taking about shopping, and if they did take personal offence i would suggest they would retaliate with a smile and **** off, and not let it upset them so much that they would walk out on their partner! Maybe it is his ego, but if this is a taster then i think i'll be heading for the hills!! He seems to be really into me, always complimenting me, friends of friends have said he's 'smitten' he's been buying me gifts etc etc. He maybe got a kick out of watching me want him to stay. I don't know. All i know is it's left a bad taste in my mouth, and i've backed off (which im sure he can sense) I haven't been that open about my ex, i've just told him of the few things he did to me that hurt me. Plus some of my friends have told him. I spoke to my brother the next day and he said 'are you kiddin me? you were jokin about, i thought nothing of it' which i guess puts it into context. Thanks people for taking the time to advise me x

[tinkerbell23]

Dont let it put you off so easily of everything else was ok beforehandxxx

[ummmm]

Most people act irrationally at some points. Just don't pamper to it. If says he's going home, let him. And then point out what an idiots he's being before you shut the front door.

[Old_Geezer]

It is possible that you one of those folk who seem to get attracted, or to attract, a similar personality type each time; but let's not make assumptions at this point.

Obviously not being there at the time I can't be certain of the tone or circumstances regarding the incident where the, "talking about cars", was mentioned, but on the face of your description it does seem strange to have taken offence to a flippant comment. Maybe there was an undisclosed reason it may have felt like a dig to him, but I think I'd at least take it as something to note, just in case it wasn't a one off inappropriate reaction.

I don't attach too much importance to the subsequent decision to go home. He may have been telling the truth about realising his need to be up early or more likely he was still feeling annoyed at the earlier incident and felt it tipped the balance regarding where he spent the night. So be it. It is your interpretation that it is punishment. More likely he just wasn't in the mood any longer.

Pleading to stay sounds a bad move. Sad enough you felt that needy; IMO ought not have shown it.

No you don't really have a right to deliver ultimatums about your loved one having to stay. Well ok you can do what you want, but I'd advise against raising the stakes in some kind of power struggle. You simply haven't built the sort of relationship yet where staying is necessarily the expected activity. It is early days. You need to slow down rather than push this.

I appreciate that past experiences may have coloured how you feel, but in my opinion you need to hold yourself in higher esteem, not feel so devastated when someone opts not to stay. And whilst it is worth noting the unexpected reaction to your comment as a possible warning, for now treat it as learning issue about how he feels about things, and give him the benefit of the doubt. At least until you are convinced this also isn't someone you can form a relationship with.

[peason77]

yes, i guess you're right ummm and tinkerbell. I am letting my past insecurities get to me. I just remember the feeling like yesterday, when my ex used to walk and i'd be left sat in the house thinking what did i do wrong? and i'd be left to pick up the pieces, wondering if i'd ever hear from him again. I don't want to experience that pain again.

[ummmm]

I do really understand that. I was just thinking how many times either me or OH have over reacted over the years. Quite a few, for one reason or another, and we have a fantastic relationship.

Doesn't mean you can't explain things to him though.

[peason77]

Thanks ummmm :) means alot. and thank you OG for your advice, even if you did criticise my writing format ;P