Am I In The Wrong With How I've Treated My Stepkids?

[Selfishnoodles]

So this story is super long and convoluted but I'll try be as clear as I can.

I met my husband A in October 2010, he had two baby momma's with 3 kids between the. The mother of the youngest 2 kids is called J, she reckons they were back together when he met me - he says they weren't but nevertheless he started a relationship with myself. At this time their kids were 1 and 10 months old.

After being together a few months J sent me a *** message on FB saying that she knew he didn't want to see the kids but could he pay for them, I told her not to contact me again. Yeh he wasn't seeing them but she was refusing to let him bring me and he didn't want to go unless I could. Since she was being so unreasonable and insane and angry all the time we decided after a few months to make plans to move to Canada. As usual J was furious but we saved up and moved there in June 2011. She actually let him bring me to see them before we left and though we brought them back early we had a great day (they were 1 and 2 at that point).
We moved to Canada with the plan being to return every 3 months to see the kids but it didn't work out like that with work and us wanting our own family, so in December 2011 we started trying for a baby and our first child was born the following year.
One thing I need to be honest about, when A was with J he had a terrible cocaine problem and nearly died. She bullied him off it for a while but the truth is he never stopped and he would often abandon me and our kids to party all weekend as well. He lied to J about his drug use though and represented that he was no longer doing it, tbh he would brag to her about how amazing our life and love was and I appreciate that probably didn't help matters.
We returned to the UK a few times and he didn't see his kids with J due to being on sessions. She was again insanely angry and wouldn't shut up about it. Basically he went 6.5 years without seeing them until we returned to the UK (this was meant to be temporary but ended up being permanent) with our four kids. A continued to have drug issues and though she let him see the kids he would often mess it up resulting in her refusing access as of 18 months ago unless we go through court which we can't afford, and tbh don't want to do because she's just going to rehash the past.
My husband went into rehab 9 months ago and has been clean since but this is my 'am I the *** part'- I get why she's angry at HIM, but why is she so angry at ME?? He paid for them a few years after we went to Canada and hasn't missed a single payment, she's messaged me a LOT going mental because I don't send her kids birthday cards or anything and I've never reached out to her it's always her talking to me first etc. She's mad because I never told her about his drug use and she thinks she had a right to know she was handing her kids to an active drug addict but I KNOW for a FACT they were never in danger when with him IMO. She's mad I never sent cards or presents or asked after them, she's mad we had 4 more kids in the 6.5 years he didn't see theirs but that's not on me surely?? Surely I'm entitled to have my own children?? She says when I became their step mother I took on a moral obligation to put her kids first and she thinks I'm 'stupid and selfish' because I didn't look at how he treated her and didn't say or so anything or tell her anything and let him blame her and lie to her. Tbf though she is SOOOOOO angry. She reached out to me again and complained I never contact her, she complained I seem to have zero regard for her kids, she complains that I've lied and defended him to her but he's my HUSBAND what does she expect?? I stayed right out of it because it's not my responsibility to sort out access for other people's kids?? And I just thought they'd sort it out one day and I'd just see them then but my husband just ignores her when she offers access to the kids now- why is she so mad at ME???

[Bobbisox1]

Change your number or block her, what’s your husbands take on it, it was his relationship and his children, he should be dealing with her, is he still paying child support to her?

[maggiebee]

Sounds a bit like War and Peace. Suggest your husband mans up and deals with this problem - at the end of the day they are his children.

[barry1010]

Poor kids, all of them

[Sqad]

How does one get into these situations?

[Sqad]

There is no right or wrong. Sorry I am being unhelpful but I have never experienced such situations.
In my day, there was mum, dad and the kids......it was quite simple really.

[Selfishnoodles]

He started paying her a few years after we moved to Canada

[Bobbisox1]

But what’s he doing about the situation now? Like Sqad says, I’m unfamiliar with this too but I’d have thought this was his problem and not yours, if you keep responding to ‘J’ then in effect your fuelling the flames, tell your husband to deal with it!

[Selfishnoodles]

He completely ignores her when she offers access etc, she's asked him for the last year to write to the kids and he won't, he's fragile and working on his own sobriety. She thinks contact with the kids needs to be on her terms and he wants it to be on his because of his issues. He's barely seem them their whole lives tbh and never been involved. He doesn't even know what school they go to.

[Selfishnoodles]

She gets angry we wanted to put an extension on our house rather than go through court but it's our money! Why shouldn't we extend our house? She's the one making us go through court she should pay!

[ladybirder]

I think all three of you should go to mediation.

[Bobbisox1]

I agree with ladybirder
Poor him eh?
He produces 6 kids and hasn’t seen four of them, surely he could of been more active in their lives?
Does he still financially support them?

[LadyCG]

By my reckoning he has 7 kids by 3 different mothers and he's a drug addict.

He sounds like quite a catch.

On what planet did you think this man was worth your future?

[barry1010]

Don't forget they are your stepkids but they are your children's half-siblings.
When you chose to get involved with a man who already had children you should have been prepared to take them as part of the package.
His ex is angry because your children have a father but her's don't.

[Selfishnoodles]

He's got 7 kids by 3 women yes. He's contributed somewhat to his other kids lives for the last ten or so years. He just hasn't really seen them. She keeps demanding he 'be a dad' but he isn't capable, she says well why did you have four more but that was up to us

[Bobbisox1]

Selfishnoodles, you appear to be avoiding the ‘is he still sending child support ? Is he?

[Sqad]

[email protected]'s what I thought.

[Selfishnoodles]

No, actually I've answered that several times- he started contributing financially a few years after we went to Canada

[pastafreak]

Maybe you should put yourself in her shoes...have you? Imagine if you were to have kids by him, but they never saw him. Imagine if he knew nothing about them. If he's so damn fragile, why has he had more kids by you to add to responsibilities he already is incapable of dealing with?

[Bobbisox1]

And he’s still paying then?
In which case he’s entitled access to his children

[Selfishnoodles]

I've put myself in her shoes- it's nothing to do with me. I haven't done anything wrong and I'm not responsible for his lack of involvement - I have no control here