Nasty Man Tormenting My Aunt

[prendi]

My aunt is 88 yrs old,she was hurt in an accident about 4 yrs ago and is disabled now.Her neighbours across the road from her volunteered to get her pension for her,lotto tickets and bits of shopping.they now get her tablets together for her,very kind you may think??she pays them £50 a week for the privilege.Recently ,the husband,neighbour,has started to bring her tablets across to her,but he has been creeping in the house and startling my aunt!!he has a key so can go in any time he wants,so we put some wind chimes up to alert my aunt when he comes in,but he had started to hold them still when he walks in! she walks with a zimmer frame and he comes in the house and just stands behind her quietly and when she turns round nearly jumps out of her skin!she is also a little deaf.the other day when she was trying to hang her washing out,holding on to the zimmer,he came behind her and ruffled her hair and she nearly fell over.she has a son who lives a fair way from her but he depends on these 2 monsters to look after her.we rang him up and told him and he is reluctant to say anything to them as he doesn't want to upset them in case the wont look after her any more!! I told him she is going to have a stroke or summat if he carries abusing her,which it is really.she has careline,but she just likes the thought of them 2 being there in case she falls at home.it is a terrible situation to be in as we will feel guilty if any thing does happen to her,but she wont let us say anything to him cos she said he isanasty man.he is also very dirty looking and scraggy hair and beard which would scare any one.she is now very nervous as she is always looking ed her in case he is there.any thoughts on this dilemma will be much appreciated as we are at a loss as to what to do.sorry for rambling,thanks.

[woofgang]

Well you can't do anything if she won't let you. How close do you live? Could you take over any of the errands? I guess your only option would be to talk to social services (hers) as she might be held to be at risk; but they would need to talk to her.

[pixie373]

Get the locks changed and ask someone else (agency if necessary) to do these things for her. She wants you to sort it out, i think, but is scared he'll get nasty, if confronted.

[ladyalex]

It might be worth getting in touch with her local police if you are really worried about this chap.
He really is not allowed to intimidate your aunt in this way and £50 seems a bit on the high side for whatever he is doing to help out your aunt.

[Mamyalynne]

I agree with both Pixie and Milady - this sounds like familiarity has bred contempt. He thinks he has the upper hand and no wonder she is afraid.

Stop it now before something nasty occurs.

[237SJ]

If your aunt needs tablets to be delivered to her , she can obtain that service from most chemists. She won`t need the neighbour to do that for her.

[joko]

are you sure he's doing this?
are you sure its not just that she is getting more deaf and doesn't hear him or the chimes, and she has got it into her head, that hes trying to kill her?
is it possible he hasn't realised this is upsetting her?
i know how paranoid old people can be about what people are up to - my dad thinks everyone is up to no good.

i don't think you are helping though!

you have accused him of being nasty, of tormenting her, of being a monster (!) of abusing her, even of 'looking' like a scary dodgy man! - when all he has actually done is give her a bit of a jump now and again, because she cant hear him coming.
his appearance is irrelevant - she has known him long enough and well enough to be giving him money to run errands so trying to imply he looks frightening just because he is a bit unkempt is ridiculous


i'm not saying he is not up to no good, but you need to be careful not to inflame the situation and scare her to death yourself!
your hysteria and dramatics over his murderous intentions are probably what is terrifying her!

the best thing to do is install a little camera near the door so you can see if he tries to creep in or holds the chimes (how does she know he holds them?)
you can also see what else he is doing in her house.
the other question is, what does he stand to gain if she dies soon? he will lose his £50 a week payment, but is he in the will etc?
does he just want to rob her?

[Canary42]

On a day when he is due to deliver the tablets you should go round there and hide. When he surprises her she should pretend to have a heart attack. At that moment you appear and accuse him of harming her. I doubt if he'll bother her any more, and you should then organise an alternative helper - shouldn't be too difficult at £50 for occasional visits.

[joko]

also tell her to start locking her door and gate from the inside

[ELVIS68]

This needs to be stopped, my step grandad had a similar problem, a neighbour 'befriended' him and basically took over his life, insisting on doing his shopping, collecting prescriptions, paying his paper bills etc and virtually making him a prisoner in his own home.
Because of the distance between him and us it was difficult to visit on a regular basis and keep things in check but let's just say after one particular surprise encounter with the 'friendly' neighbour he decided to stay away after that

[237SJ]

Why don`t your aunt`s family do all of those things for her? Can they not arrange her shopping via Tesco and her drugs via the local chemists`? She wouldn`t need the services of the neighbours then, would she?

[boxtops]

It sounds as if the neighbour has started to think that he has a right to come into her house, which he hasn't. £50 is a huge amount of money for what they are actually doing for her, and as others have said, tablets can be delivered by the chemist, etc. It would be worth your family going to the neighbours when they are both there (husband and wife) and explaining that as your aunt is getting more frail, she needs to be warned when people are coming (a quick phone call to say I'm coming over in half an hour with your shopiing doesn't hurt) - otherwise also she could still be in bed, or in the loo, when the man comes over. It's not right, however old she is she's still entitled to her privacy. They are taking the P., taking her money and coming in when they feel like it.

[bunkmoreland]

there's a lot going on in this situation,but,I have helped out with my elderly next door neighbour,and the idea that i would charge for it is quite frankly ridiculous!

[tamborine]

Poor lady, cant you visit at weekends? All her medicines are free at 88

[prendi]

the tablet situation is where he comes over with them 3 times a day in case she gets confused about how many she has taken,the wife prepares them in an egg cup and he brings them over for her.and Joko,she has seen him holding the wind chimes when she has been in her chair ,as there is a vestibule which has a glass window.she does lock the door from the inside but he has got a key.i have told her to put the chain on but she is scared that no one will get in if she has a fall.

[2sp_]

My Granny is 30 and lives alone. She is in sheltered housing and is in the early-ish stages of dementia.

We (as a family) pay for a private carer to visit her each morning for about half an hour to make sure she is up, dressed, tableted and breakfasted.

It's worth the £60 a week or so to know that she is OK as we can't make it in to see her every morning.

Maybe you should consider something like that. If she's paying the neighbour £50, she could surely get a professional in for just a little more. Then both your mind and hers would be at rest about this intrusion.

And change the locks.

[ladyalex]

Up here in Scotland the pharmacist will supply (and deliver to the door for free) a 'nomad' tray of medications all laid out as they are supposed to be taken every day . This is to avoid confusion in the elderly and works very well, on the whole. (There can be difficulties when, say, a short course of antibiotics for an infection has to be added, but these can be overcome.)
It also sounds as though your aunt could do with some proper care in her home. Can you try your local authority social services to see what is available? if you inform yourself, you can discuss it with your aunt.
This situation sounds quite distressing for all of you.

[joko]

well still sounds a bit dramatic, but just in case you are correct, and he is trying to bump her off, then you need to stop him administering her medicines - all he has to do it giove her a few extra and she may not realise

there are gadgets that sort pills out - electrical things, with alarms that just need loading up so she knows whats shes taken and when - or just a simple pill container - you may be able to get some assistance with that from the pharmacist - maybe some varieties have days printed on?

whatever their motives, you do need to get them away from her because you will not rest and neither will she just in case something happens - and if it does you will blame him even if he hasnt done anything - so best not give him the chance

tell her a door chain will not stop someone who wants to break in - they will just kick the door open, so not to worry about that.

problem is, if you take that away from him, he may start doing stuff outdoors, at the shops, in the garden etc

[joko]

do you have any teenagers in the family that would like to earn a bit of cash doing these jobs for her? - i'm sure the chance to get £50 will tempt them.
better the money goes to family than this man either way

[prendi]

thanks for all the replies ,I am going to see if the social services can do anything for her,rather that than giving the nasty bugger something to do while he is bored.

[EDDIE51]

get her locks changed and tell these people to get out and stay out.
Tell the police what is going on as it is harassment .
Get hold of social services and ask for visits from a proper qualified carer.
Even if she has to pay for a visit from a professional carer it will be less than £50 these robbers are charging her.