ChatterBank0 min ago
Can't Please Family
56 Answers
There isn't really an answer but just needed to offload. To cut a really long story short I moved away from my children 10 years ago but saw them regularly due to a very complicated situation. And rightly or wrongly they have never really forgiven me. They are all adults now and my daughter even has an 18 month old and another on the way. I visit as often as I can and have to stay in hotels as nobody has a spare room. I try my very very best and txt all the time, call them but the whole situation is breaking my heart. My youngest who is 22 is in and out of trouble and says it's all my fault. (Maybe?) he only contacts me when he wants money and never any other time. My 25 yr old son replies to nothing and makes an excuse not to see me every time I go up. Last time I managed to see him was Xmas and I tried to get to the bottom of it and he basically said I can't be q mother if I live 3 hrs away and I should sell my house and move back. My eldest is 27 and I see her every time but again she makes me feel dreadful every time I see her by saying I'm missing out, we can't have q proper relationship u less I live in same town. She constantly posts FB pics of her child and tags her partners mum in saying best nanny ever which kills me. I've even paid on their house but that seems to be OK to take that. None of them ever ver visit me or even ring me. The only time was when my youngest came at new year and I had to pay for all the train tickets . Ive tried saying that lots of families live with a distance but that's not normal apparently. I'm feeling used and think they are being unfair now as what else do they ant me to do?? Am I being completely wrong?
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at some point your kids have to stop blaming you and accept responsibility for their own lives. It probably did hurt them when you moved away but there is only so far you can take that, i think you are being used - they are using your guilt and making it difficult.
I feel for you - my parents are 120 and 300 miles away, i don't see them very often as i'm a bit stuck where i am, but i don't blame them for my circumstances and speak to them often. (they split up when i was 13)
I feel for you - my parents are 120 and 300 miles away, i don't see them very often as i'm a bit stuck where i am, but i don't blame them for my circumstances and speak to them often. (they split up when i was 13)
I think the crux of it is that when I split with the dad we all lived in a house his mother owned and I had no choice but to move out and live up the road. They were young then but we basically shared them. I had another child which was a huge shock and herein lies the problem . They utterly resent the fact that he has had his whole life 24-7 with me. He is 16 now. We had to move away due to my husbands job and as they all live in a very rural place he simply couldn't get work for what he does there. I can totally understand them resenting the life my youngest has had I've apologised for years now. Yes it would be lovely to see them more often but there's every chance that I could move back and then they all move away themselves.
It is perfectly normal for adult children to move away from their parents (or vice versa - parents often "downsize" and move away). To suggest that it is not normal shows a complete lack of understanding by your children.
It is also perfectly possible for such parents and children to have a proper relationship. Visits become special instead of routine and are all the more valued for it. Your children need to understand that they are now adults and have their own life - as indeed you have yours. There is no need for you to live round the corner and many parents will say that it is in both theirs and their childrens' interests that there is some space between them. It gives both sides some independence and privacy.
You made your move for your own reasons and I accept that your children were quite young when you did so and this may be the root of their resentment. However, times move on. It seems to me you've done what you can to make this work and from your description your children - although now adults with responsibilities of their own - are being childish and self-centred by insisting you move back.
It is also perfectly possible for such parents and children to have a proper relationship. Visits become special instead of routine and are all the more valued for it. Your children need to understand that they are now adults and have their own life - as indeed you have yours. There is no need for you to live round the corner and many parents will say that it is in both theirs and their childrens' interests that there is some space between them. It gives both sides some independence and privacy.
You made your move for your own reasons and I accept that your children were quite young when you did so and this may be the root of their resentment. However, times move on. It seems to me you've done what you can to make this work and from your description your children - although now adults with responsibilities of their own - are being childish and self-centred by insisting you move back.
i may be being a bit too black and white but they are old enough to understand life isn't all about them, **** happens and you have to make the best of it.
I think if you keep apologising, they will keep taking advantage, i don't know what the answer is though. I'd walk away and leave them too it, but I'm not a parent so its easy for me to say that, i imagine it's a lot harder if not impossible to do that as a parent
I think if you keep apologising, they will keep taking advantage, i don't know what the answer is though. I'd walk away and leave them too it, but I'm not a parent so its easy for me to say that, i imagine it's a lot harder if not impossible to do that as a parent
I would start by writing them each a long letter laying things out from your point of view, but also showing that you understand each of their points of view, and looking to rebuild relationships in the future (with reasons).
On a different tack, do they have any technology like an iPad (Facetime) or laptop (Skype) that would allow you to talk to them face-to-face on a more frequent basis? Maybe if you could get that going it would give you a chance to communicate more easily and see them in the flesh more often. We "video conference" family around the world and it works really well, although this is family that actually gets on ...
On a different tack, do they have any technology like an iPad (Facetime) or laptop (Skype) that would allow you to talk to them face-to-face on a more frequent basis? Maybe if you could get that going it would give you a chance to communicate more easily and see them in the flesh more often. We "video conference" family around the world and it works really well, although this is family that actually gets on ...
Yes and having read your second post after posting my first, my suspicions are confirmed. And you can also see from ummm and mccfluff that it is by no means unusual for parents and adult children to live miles apart.
Your children need to grow up. Parents sometimes have relationship problems which cause difficulties. If they were to think about it they would accept that. They need to understand what happened years ago and move on. But at the end of the day you have your life too and there is no reason why it should be determined by your adult children.
Your children need to grow up. Parents sometimes have relationship problems which cause difficulties. If they were to think about it they would accept that. They need to understand what happened years ago and move on. But at the end of the day you have your life too and there is no reason why it should be determined by your adult children.
In my opinion the 'very complicated situation 10 years ago' is the root cause of all this. Whatever it was meant they lost their mother when they were between 12 and 17 years old,a time of their lives when they were leaving childhood and becoming adults and needed you as a mother and role model.
I am sure you realise this but you can't reverse it.
I would be tempted to move back near to them, at least that gives you a chance to re-establish the relationship.
I am sure you realise this but you can't reverse it.
I would be tempted to move back near to them, at least that gives you a chance to re-establish the relationship.
Smow...you didn't abandon them. No one blinks an eye lid when a father moves away. My son hasn't seen his father in about 3 years and before that it was another few years.
Don't beat yourself up. You did what you had to do at the time. They are grown up....they should know we all have to make hard decisions.
Don't beat yourself up. You did what you had to do at the time. They are grown up....they should know we all have to make hard decisions.
The OP left her children at a vulnerable age and I agree with EDDIE that this is the root problem. Sorry but if my mother or father had abandoned me and my siblings for whatever reason at that age I would want nothing to do with them. They think the OP has left them, married someone else and had another child to 'replace' them -yes they are adults now but believe me things that happen when you are a chlld never ever go away. OP -why you feel you are being 'used' beats me...thats what parents do -bail out kids financially and emotionally. I have grandchildren in Canada Germany and soon the UK -it does not stop us being a Family even if we can't be together. I can't advise you what to do - I do't think you can change much really just keep on what you are doing and hope they come round
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