Please Help Me

[proudmary]

Hi, my husband joined an online mental health forum quite some time ago I has helped him and he has helped others, he made some friendships on line, one of his online friends was visiting our area so they met for coffee even though she is female I was ok with that, they met again a few days later but I wasn't invited and that stung a bit, he said it was because he wanted to keep forum friends and family separate. He then had a huge phone bill which he said was the internet and the odd call to this lady, my radar picked up at this point, a few weeks later he lost his job in part because he was seen on CCTV at 4.45 a.m. talking on the phone for an hour, when I asked him about it he said he had been on the phone to her but it wasn't an hour (she sleeps during the day), next morning I got up and his Ipad was on the floor with a message on the front screen from her saying I love you - no reply from him. I was very upset and told him I didn't think it was appropriate that another woman was sending him messages saying she loved him, his reply was that I tell my friends I love them, this is true but I would never tell another man I loved them. During the course of the argument he told me that after five months she knows more about him that I ever will, that really hurt so I told him to f off (I know I shouldn't have), he has now left but is blaming me saying I should have believed him when he said there was nothing going on and perhaps I should have (I think I do really) but I was so hurt, this pain is unbearable. Please can I have some help here? Was I right to be upset, did I over react, please help me sort this out in my head x

[Zacs-Master]

I don't think you did over react Mary. If there was nothing going on, there soon would have been.

[Zacs-Master]

To all contributors. Mary has posted twice
http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Family/Question1304729.html

[VHG]

After I just put a long answer in the OTHER question I now find it has been deleted.

How annoying, but I am certainly not going to type the answer again.

[Prudie]

It's not uncommon for people going through some kind of problems (mental health in this instance) to gravitate towards strangers in the same boat and open up and develop sometimes inappropriate relationships. I don't think you over-reacted at all, and sorry it appears these two are indeed up to something. It will be very hard for you as I'm guessing he's not acting his normal self. Their liaison may very well blow itself out, you need to decide if you'd take him back? Blaming the partner for not listening or understanding like 'they' do is a classic excuse given by cheaters, whatever their mental state.

[askyourgran]

I think you were right Mary, your husband knew what he was getting into. However if she sleeps during the day she won't be much use to him in the practical sense ie cooking, washing, life in general, he's a fool. it was not your fault you are well shot of him. Hold your head up gal. I bet the b&stard comes creeping back.

[snags]

You should have nipped this in the bud 4 years ago:

http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/Question889471-2.html

[proudmary]

Thank you, yes, I should have nipped it n the bud four years ago I love him and I trusted him but feel so stupid now and betrayed

[snags]

Well don't waste any more time... good luck :-)

[Sqad]

\\\\ one of his online friends was visiting our area so they met for coffee even though she is female\\

I bet they did.............

I my opinion, this has very little to do wit "Mental Health".....he is having an affair, both in the traditional senses and the cyber sense.

This is what you have to deal with.

[tamborine]

You were right to challenge him. He gets his kicks flirting online....in itself thats harmless but as he's gone chasing the woman - let go & fill your life enjoying your freedom. He will be back for 'home comforts' soon enough.

Dont take him back but you can enjoy him wooing you instead ;)

[B00]

Tell him to bugger off, and stay buggered off!

From your other post 4 years ago, it aint the 1st time he's done it to you. No one travels all that distance for a chat as that other woman did! Once is possibly forgiveable, but to do it again? nope, nope and NOPE!

[boxtops]

He's off to pastures new, and being unkind to you in the meantime - you who have supported him through his mental health issues. Sadly, I've experienced this before - when the unwell person gets better, they have new-found confidence, and off they go. It's scary, this is a different person mentally now, but he's made his decision and you did exactly the right thing.

Are you going to be OK on your own? You need to grit your teeth and stop letting him make you think this is your fault - it's not, it's a man on a mission.

We're here if you need us - please don't go through this on your own.

[proudmary]

Thank you so much I feel very alone right now, asking him to come home but he just tells me this is my fault I told him to go, feel pathetic, empty useless trying to hold myself together for our daughter, I know I will be ok I am just n a bad place right now

[Zacs-Master]

Understandable Mary. Just hang in there and spend as much time as possible with family and friends. Life's most traumatic events sometimes have a way of turning out to be blessings in disguise. It will take time but one day you will be glad you made the decision.

[pixie373]

I agree. It's not your fault and you've done the right thing. Whether you take him back eventually depends how you feel and how your relationship is usually. But if he thinks you'll just accept everything, there is nothing to stop him carrying on. Let him come to his senses in his own time and take responsibility for himself.

[~Wingnut~]

He's telling you its your fault so he takes the blame away from himself and makes him think he has a green light now to do as he pleases and not feel guilty because afterall, you pushed him to this.
You have done nothing wrong, he has acted very selfishly pushing you to speak out for yourself, then turns it around blaming you. He did all this for a reason. He'll realise (prob sharpish) that the grass isn't greener and want to return, up to you what you do but personally I would slam the door in his face!

[boxtops]

Mary, I know it'll be hard - but stop asking him to come home, it's doing great things for his ego having you begging him to return. It puts him in control, and that's not the way you want it. If you can maintain "radio silence" for a little while, he'll probably contact you - but we can't reiterate often enough, this is NOT your fault. He's trying to shift the blame for his guilt at getting in deep with someone else. It's NOT your fault - don't accept it!

[tamaris]

I would not give him house room x

[Psybbo]

Mary, take a break for yourself, new hairdo, get out and about, the freedom you can have now can be exhilarating, believe me

[pusskin]

You really are not in the wrong at all mary.
Simply shut the door on him and let him stew.
You will eventually realise that he cant treat you like that. its his loss.