It's The Way I Tell Em.

[Rondy]

I was standing in the queue in Aldi earlier and a voice announced "Checkout no.5 please."
I thought, I've seen better than her.

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Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle’s wife? He was an aunt eater.

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I was talking to this Irish dancer who was also a stamp collector.
Michael Philately.

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I was shopping for a new bed and I complained to the shop manager that his staff were constantly making bed related puns.
He replied, duvet really?

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There has been reported that there has been an increase of thefts of bells recently.
Police believe it is the start of a chimewave.

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Yesterday I arranged to meet my mathematician friend at half six.
He turned up at three.

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A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'Sorry about the wait.'
I said, 'don't worry fatso, you might lose it eventually'.

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I've made a Ventriloquist's doll from a piece of old carpet.
It's ruggish!

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I saw a sign at a restaurant that said: “Shoes must be worn."
I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.

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I feel so strongly about graffiti in toilets that I've signed a partition.

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My joiner said he wasn’t able to clamp two pieces of wood together as he needed a vice.
I told him I didn’t feel qualified to suggest anything.

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I've got one of those Smart showers when you you can tell if someone's filling the kettle downstairs.

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My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger...
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!

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[Patsy33]

😁

[nicebloke1]

Well there all good but the Mc Donalds was a corker.:○)))

[fourteen85]

I like the mathematician one especially 

[zebo]

If your Mathematician friend is German he may have arrived at 17:30 rather than 18:30