Please help sort out my jumbled head!

[CAJ1]

My other half and I are engaged and have been together for 4 1/2 years. He has been away for the last 3 months which has given me a lot of space to think.

His mum has sworn and told us to get the f*ck out of her house before, called us names and had a go at me - not once has he stood up for me and told his mum to stop or to apologise to me. He goes to see her twice a week, pays some of her bills because she says she has no money to pay them (but has money to go out drinking) and he takes numerous calls from her every week. She'll phone him exactly 20 minutes after we leave her house every time we're up even though we've been up there a few hours. I have said to him a few times before that she is causing problems in our relationship but he doesn't do anything about it. I like that he is caring towards his mother but on the other hand its a little too much especially as she doesn't appreciate it and he would put her before me, I feel a little second best.


We have only been intimate twice since the start of the year. It wasn't great last year either and I tried to spice things up by buying sexy underwear and fun games neither of which were used in the end. He will however watch porn when I am not there which annoys me because he can use that but can't make the effort with me. He will even call me mate, never honey or love or anything like that, he's not very attentive.

He is messy and will leave me to do the majority of the house work, I have raised this issue before and even written out a list of all the chores that need to be done and told him to pick out half that he wanted to do and I would do the rest. He never bothered even looking at the list.

There are other niggles here and there, all issues that I have raised and he has not made an effort to change. I am thinking of ending it with him when he gets back, I wanted to do it face to face rather than over the phone or by email. I feel like a bitch doing it though because he is looking forward to getting back. I just know I can't handle a lifetime of his mum and the older she gets the more help she will need, his messyness grates on me as I am quite tidy and don't like feeling like I am being taken for granted and I don't like the lack of intimacy as I am in my mid-20's, surely sex shoud be regular and great at this age?! I know I should have worked all this out before but I think its because he has been away I have had a bit of time and space to think and with marriage looming it has forced me to think can I put up with this forever.

I have spoken to my close friends and they have asked if he says he will change will I give it another go. I don't think I would because I've talked to him about it before and some of it does change for a while and then reverts back to the usual. I also think he shouldn't have to change for me, that is him and if I can't love him then its my problem not his.

What do you all think?

[pa___ul3]

without looking just to end it, you need to get it all out and tell him you can't go on the way it is. I've had a similar conversation with my lass recently, the niggles were really getting to me and I was having doubts about where we were heading. It all came out, to the point where I nearly ended it, but we calmed down, agreed to give it a go, and it's been fantastic since. Just the fact that I know she's making an effort made me feel a billion times better.
If you're going to marry him, you have to be certain, the fact that you agreed to marry him suggests there was a hell of a lot there that made you decide he is the one for you. If that's still there, just with all this crap in the way, then it can be fixed. Give it a go first, good luck!

[CAJ1]

Glad I'm not the only one with this problem!

The only thing is that I already have said to him, in fact I have got to boiling point over it and let it all out before. I sort of feel like he's not willing to make an effort which doesn't say much as to the lengths he would be willing to go to for me.

I forgot to say as well, I asked him if and when we have kids whether or not he would leave them with his mum, he said yes. I would never leave my child in her care, she lets them eat what they want, she let her grandaughter draw on all of the walls up the stairs the other week. She also had her grandaughter sat on her knee and was hitting her back so hard it made her say ouch nanny stop it. As much as I want it to work, I can see it crumbling in the future.

[I.Don No]

my advice is talk to him face to face, list your grumbles, let him list his and give yourselves a time limit to sort it or finish......'cos you would be surprised what a deadline will do to your thought processes!

[CAJ1]

I think if I am honest with myself 10ClarionSt, I want to be out of it more than I want to be in it because I have made the effort, I have raised issues and I'm tired of it. It will be the same again next year. I do need to put myself first, I've enjoyed my time by myself, my independence, I have gained confidence to do things myself. He is promising spa days, shopping trips and holidays when he gets back but thats not what I want, I want someone who is attentive, who puts me first, who wants to make the same amount of effort as I do to make it work. I'm not one for bailing out, I have tried. I don't know, maybe I was looking for someone to tell me it was ok to put myself first and that I wasn't being a bitch for doing this when he gets back.

[pa___ul3]

It's not about being a bitch CAJ, it seems like your mind's made up, it would be worse to drag it out if you really don't see it being fixed.
Without wanting to get all pretentious on yo ass.. there's a Spanish saying that sums it up - No vale la pena cuando el alma esta pequeña - basically means it's not worth it if your heart's not in it, sounds better in Spanish though!

[JMR27]

From reading your original post it looks like you've already made your mind up. Better to finish it now than 5 or 10 years down the line. Best wishes to you.

[maggiebee]

Sounds like you have already made up your mind. There seem to be more minuses than pluses in this relationship and basically, people don't change. My own daughter called off her wedding 6 weeks before the event because she realised she didn't love her partner any more. Hard at the time but they are now both in loving marriages, just not to each other. Would agree that you need to speak face to face and not by text or e-mail.

[daisya]

Believe me people don't change, if you don't like what you see now and with his mother trying to break things up anyway and him not sticking up for you, what do you think will happen 3 - 5 years down the line. Promises are nothing, what you see from the beginning is what you get. If you want to hold on to him accept him like he is, it's not going to change. If you want someone with a nicer personality who is attentive et al, then end this and search for what you want. Sorry to be blunt but I've been there done that and nothing changes unless you do.

[vallaw]

Send him back to his mother. You can do better!

[Nini74]

i went through something similar a few years ago - a friend of mine told me that just the fact that I was deciding what was the best thing to do was enough to prove to him that i should end my relationship. if i was happy, i wouldn't have been having the conversation, and the same goes for you. if you were happy, you wouldn't have asked on here. just be nice, and honest, and try to keep things friendly.....good luck xxx

[Mcvj]

This is a really tough situation but I agree with the others, you already appear to have made up your mind.

He's obviously grown complacent with the relationship and thinks that you'll put up with it as he's not been making an effort. This was kinda the same situation as I was in a little while ago, although he was actually chatting and 'sexually interacting' with women on the internet. Hopefully he's not as much of a low-life as my ex but our relationship was exactly the same... I would get annoyed, have a conversation with him, he'd promise to try and do more but nothing changed and I didn't leave.

I would say that you have to be really really certain about what you're going to say and your intention to break this up. If you've not previously had 'the' conversation he's likely to finally realise that you are actually going to leave and he'll beg you to change your mind.

You dont sound happy though, and it seems that you're a rational, passionate, loyal woman. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there that would want to treat you the way that you deserve xx

[islasmum]

My mother once told me something very true - Your question should not be "Can I live with this man?" - it should be "Can I not live without this man?"
Hope this helps.

[Hopkirk]

He sounds like a useless waste of space.

Walk away and don't look back.

You can do so much better.

[boxtops]

From experience - if someone says they will change, they may mean it at the time, but they won't actually do it. I'd walk if I were you.

[CAJ1]

I split up with him tonight, it was so hard, he said he'd change and that he'd choose me over his mother. I said he'd change for a month or so and it would go back to the same old thing. I also told him it wasn't fair for me to ask him to choose between us. He cried and then said your mind is made up so I won't try to change it. I wanted him to fight for me but he didn't, he just gave up :(

[daisya]

CAJ it looks as though you've done the right thing, hard as it was for you and I imagine will be for a little while, I'm sure in the scheme of things you will see it as the best thing you've done. Be easy on yourself for a little while and take care too, you will be vulnerable for a little while but I'm sure you will bounce back and start a new chapter to your life. I wish you all the very best.

[roxie_09]

*hugs to you*.. This will give you both time to take a break and reflect on things, keep your head up CAJ xx

[CAJ1]

That came out wrong, I knew I was ending it but I wanted him to show what i meant to him, that i was worth fighting for