Church Ladies With Typewriters

[starone]

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to disable children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[Ann]

At the Easter Family Service the Vicar announced “This being Easter Morning, I will ask Mrs Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the altar”

[Ann]

Love these Starone, I often put them in our Church newsletter!
Here are some more:

The Sunday School teacher was describing Lot's wife looking back at Sodom and turning into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. "My mummy looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole."

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realises that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she sent them back into the morning service, "And why is it necessary to tiptoe and be quiet in church?"
Janie replied, "Because the people are sleeping?"

At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Several children found a dead bird in the garden. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they found a small box and some cotton wool, dug a hole in the back garden, and made ready to dispose of the deceased. The minister's 5-year-old son was chosen to say the prayer. And so with great dignity, trying to copy his father, he said loudly, "Glory be to the Father...and to the Son...and ...into the hole he goes!"

The Pastor didn’t seem to have a lot of money so for his 50th birthday, the congregation decided to give him a new suit. He was so touched by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and, with tears in his eyes, and announced, "Thank you for your generosity - today I am preaching to you in my birthday suit."

Maria came home from Sunday School on Palm Sunday and told her mother that she had learned a new song about a cross-eyed Teddybear named “Gladly” It took her mother a while before she realised that the hymn Maria had been singing was really: "Gladly My Cross I'd Bear."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' His son asked, ' So Dad - what happened to the flea?'

[starone]

And boxtops has already posted it in January. Don't know how I missed that boxy -sorry!

[excelsior-1]

excellent .... bless you, starone

[rosyposy]

All brilliant - couldn't pick out a 'best one' :0) -rosy

[mahonia]

Notice in church kitchen: "Ladies please rinse out teapots and stand upside down on draining board"

[marval]

All brilliant, thank you.