Quickies

[retrocop]

Quickies





I bought some 'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork'…. I thought, can't argue with that!

When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.

I had a row with my wife last night, she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner at me and it only just missed my head. It must have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for Comfort.

Then she said, "Can we make love like Elvis" and I said " What, 'A little less conversation and a little more action'?"

I love that new Korean vegetarian snack pot. Not Poodle.

My mate makes crockery disappear. I said are you a wizard? He said no I'm a saucerer.

If sex with two people is called a twosome and sex involving three people is called a threesome now I understand why they call me handsome!

Whoever stole my trainers whilst I was on the bouncy castle, just grow up!

Just bought an ABBA toilet....What a loo!

I’ve swapped our bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof!

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as “Battery Low”. Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger!

Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

[Canary42]

Some real beauties there - thanks for the laughs :D

[Old_Geezer]

Like 'em. Must try to recall when next at the pub.

[Arksided]

I just slipped on the kitchen floor, what a downer.

[Caribeing]

Good ones cheered me up on this wet evening no damp squibs there!!

[Davemano]

Great

[Tilly2]

I don't get the penultimate one. Why is that funny?

[Davemano]

Does Alphabet Spaghetti still exist, I read that supermarkets had taken it off their shelves because somebody had found BSE in it.

[Tilly2]

I'm being serious. I just do not get that one.

[Davemano]

Tilly When girlfriend calls, the phone shows Battery Low so wife puts it on the charger

[Tilly2]

Yes.........and.........?

[Jackdaw33]

...as opposed to taking the call!

[Baldric]

"Crime in multi-storey car parks.
That is wrong on so many different levels."

[Jackdaw33]

If it's any consolation, I don't get the Elvis one,but it's probably a reference to one of his sayings.

[Baldric]

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

[DTCwordfan]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Today a man knocked on my car window and asked for a small donation towards helping an immigrant whose car was on fire. I gave him a gallon of petrol.

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

[Old_Geezer]

I thought the battery one was probably the best.
The Elvis one is a well known lyric.

[Jackdaw33]

Rich man stalled at traffic lights in his Roller.
Tramp knocks on the window.
"Yes?"
"Got the price of a cup of coffee, guv?"
"Neither a lender nor a borrower be, W. Shakespeare."

At the next set of lights, same knock, same bloke.

"Yes?"

"Tight ****, D.H. Lawrence!"

[marval]

Brilliant

[retrocop]

My preferance was Not Poodle but then I have time for dogs. :-)

[janbee]

:-)