Am I Really The Father?

[StanleyHopkins]

I met this girl who I've known for about 6 months and we used to see each other on and off as mates. We played around for a bit and had some "fun" etc but here is the situation now. Recently she told me she’s 2/3 weeks pregnant and she has a strong feeling it's possibly mine. I only had sex with her 3 times in which I used protection, pulled out right before I came, went to the toilet afterwards, checked the condom and the sperm was still inside it with no slips or rips which I could see (Sorry to sound so graphical) I did this method for each of the 3 times I had sex with her however....

Despite her telling me I'm the only guy she’s slept with in 6 months I recently found out she was sleeping with other guys around the same time we were playing around and one guy even told me he had drunken sex with her without a condom (after the last time I had sex with her) However she’s adamant that despite my safer way of having sex, the baby is still mine and it's defo not the "drunken guys"

I've never planned to have kids neither do I want any in the future as I'm just not emotionally or financially stable to bring one up at this time of my life. When I discussed options with her she told me she does not want any more children as she already has two kids with her ex boyfriend and would go for a clinical abortion pill (decided by both of us at the time) however she’s telling the other guy she slept with that she’s thinking of keeping it and then telling me she’s going for the abortion. It seems like I'm being messed around with here or she simply cannot make up her mind due to her hormones all over the place right now. She’s also having very severe mood swings and one minute being all calm with me then the next become very sarcastic and trying to guilt me into believing I’m the baby’s father for sure.

I do not want to force her into doing anything she does not want to do as it's her body but she keeps telling or at least hinting to me she’s going to get rid of it but I’m hearing different things from the other guy who she has also been messaging. I've told her it's up to her what she does but have also warned her the potential dangers and effects it will bring to my life (becoming even more depressed as I just won’t be able to cope being a dad) but she still won’t give me a plan as to what she’s planning to do going forward.

I know some people will probably say to me "Oh well having sex comes with risks and if you didn’t want to risk being a dad you shouldn’t have had sex etc" Which I understand but I'm 95% confident I took all the necessary precautions to make sure I would not get her pregnant however I know mistakes and little mishaps can occur even when protected.

The only thing I can do is to tell her if she decides to keep it that I want 100% confirmation it's mine with a DNA test and should it turn out to be mine I will support her and the child with payments according to the laws but I want nothing to do with the child in general as I made that decision a long time ago to never want kids.

What’s the best way I can go about this and does this make me a bad person should this future event occur?
Many thanks

[Old_Geezer]

Must be private firms that do DNA tests for a price. Try a websearch.

[pixie374]

You can ask for a DNA test after it's born, without having to pay. You should think about contact anyway in future in case she does have it and it is yours.

[KARL]

There are ways to have a paternity DNA test done once the baby is born - don't be morally blackmailed into accepting fatherhood if you are reasonably unsure the baby is yours. Your girlfriend cannot possibly be certain it is your offspring if she has had intercourse with others anywhere in about a two week period including when she was fertile. On the other hand it is entirely possible that she wants you to be the father, or at least take on that responsibility.

If you don't want to father children, have a vasectomy and get confirmation that you are infertile - that way you will never find yourself in this predicament.

[Maydup]

What a nightmare person she sounds, telling different stories to you both. You might wait a while to see if she really is pregnant, theres a chance shes attention seeking. Wouldnt put it past her.

Then if there is a baby, ask for a DNA test otherwise you will always be at the centre of this manipulation behaviour.

If it does turn out to be yours, keep your options open at this stage as you might feel a bit different once you know that and see it. See what happens and in the meantime try not to worry or be twisted by this girl.

[Atheist]

I think you're a child in your mind and you've done a bad thing by being unwilling to grow up and admit responsibility. You talk about your possible child as an 'it'. You talk about yourself with self-pity. I find it hard to have sympathy for either of you. I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful or supportive. Life is hard, and even harder when you don't give a damn about the consequences of your behaviour. Be a man and work it out for yourself. Don't just think about you; think about 'it' and think about 'her'. You will have to live with yourself from now on; behave like a man you would admire. I wish you all the best.

[BagPussAA]

I think Atheist is being a bit harsh on you as you sound like you took the right precautions in the first place to prevent a pregnancy.

You also sound like you are quite young and want to make the right decision for both yourself and the baby (if there is one and its yours). I think that you best bet is, if she decides to keep it, ask for a DNA test to be done as soon as the baby is born. Do not wait until the child is a few months old, do it straight away.That way, you will know from the start if it is yours. If its not, you can walk away with a clear conscience. If it is yours, you can start to make the right financial contributions for the upkeep of the baby and if you change your mind about being in the baby's life, you can make it then.

[tamborine]

She didnt want more children; she should have taken precautions as you did, When/if babe is born check dna & take it from there. Dont have more sex with her as she's untrustworthy.

[pixie374]

Atheist, an unborn baby, without knowing the sex, is often referred to as "it". That doesn't mean anything more.

[jackthehat]

She can't possibly 'know' the baby is yours if she has been having sex with other men, too. She can hope, or believe, but she can't know....

Keep in contact with her and put some funds away 'just in case' but don't obligate yourself any more than is strictly necessary. Once the child is born, get the DNA test done asap.

You might not want to have much to do with the child but you *must* understand that the child will want to know who his father is and prepare yourself for that.

Best of luck.

[rsvp]

Just tell her you will have a DNA test conducted after the birth and if it is your child then and only then, will you discuss how you are both going to deal with it.. End of.

[Peter Pedant]

// Atheist, an unborn baby, without knowing the sex, is often referred to as "it". That doesn't mean anything more.//

can I edit that to a more sensible:
Atheist, an unborn baby, without knowing the sex, is often referred to as the child or the baby or the little one or the infant or someother indefinite noun. That means that you accept the child is human from conception and not a thing, that 'it' implies.

and yes I would certainly agree with that !

[Pixie can refer to herself as 'it' if she wants...]

[Peter Pedant]

wait eight months
and then have a DNA test

2 to 3 weeks is very early .... for pregnant
I would say - - it is late ( the period that is)

[pixie374]

Fine pp, if you prefer... but he/she is slightly bulky and we all understand it may not be an obvious sex yet. If the child was 2, I would agree with you!

[pixie374]

2/3 weeks is likely to be 4/5 the way we calculate it in Britain.

[Old_Geezer]

Most will use the term "it". As in, "When's it due ?"

[Rockrose]

Do as Jack suggests