Should I Stay Or Let Him Go?

[iifreyja]

advice
i don’t want to make this too long so some stuff with me omitted for length-sake.

i (21F) have been with my boyfriend (21M) for a year and a half. we’re on our 2nd break in the relationship (the first one which was around 4-5 months ago) due to arguing.

basically it’s just him making promises and not keeping them, and me nagging/making issues out of small things because he “forgets” or he acts like he doesn’t care.

we were never abusive or disloyal to one another. it was just a severe lack of communication and compromise. we almost broke up, but decided on a break to just let things cool off.

the first break helped a lot, but the past couple weeks has just been going back to old habits on both of our ends. i feel like this 2nd break is just different, and it’s scary. i ask if he wants to break up, and he’ll say “no, of course i don’t.” i’ll ask if he thinks we’ll work out, and he’ll say “i don’t know.” i ask if there’s anything he could guarantee, and he tells me that he knows he loves me. he hopes we work out, but he doesn’t feel like he has the energy for a relationship anymore. he’s said that he’s 50/50 because on one hand, he loves me and wants to be with me but on the other, his mental issues are in the way and he doesn’t want to feel like he’s forcing himself to be in a relationship. it’s like i brought up some past trauma he had and it’s cut him deeply.

i’m just confused. because i can feel he’s telling the truth when he says he loves me and doesn’t want to break up, but he’s also obviously confused too. i don’t know if i should just give him time to process these emotions and see where we end up, or if it’s best to let him go. on one hand, letting him go may be permanent and i don’t want to lose him. i love him so much, our connection was undeniable. i feel like this could all be worked out if we just communicated more and went to couples therapy or maybe talked through it with other couples.

but on the other hand, he bottles everything up. his parents don’t even know we’re on a break because he didn’t tell them anything. i can feel his confusion and his hurt, i feel like he’s being honest that he really just doesn’t know. i try to be optimistic and tell myself that he just needs time because i’m confident there’s no third party or “other girl” involved, but then i always doubt it with overthinking. “what if he decides to leave me” “what if he never feels better.”

everything reminds me of him. i cant listen to music or enjoy shows because it all reminds me of him. i hung out with him yesterday since it was my birthday and he wanted to be there. he even slept over. he agreed we should
meet up once a week to check up on each other. but every time he leaves, i feel that aching because even though it’s reassuring to have him there for that moment, all the doubts return when he leaves.

i just don’t know what to do. i know i don’t want us to break up because there’s always the possibility that he’ll get over this hump and we’ll be back to normal. but what if this is just false reassurance? and im just getting my hopes up for nothing?

sorry for being long winded. any advice i’d appreciated, but please be gentle if possible. i want full honesty but im not sure if i can take super harsh criticism right now.

[Hopkirk]

Walk away

[pastafreak]

In a word...go.
I don't think he's ready or in the right place for a relationship, and trying to continue this one may damage how you feel about each other. I doubt either of you would want to end this with the bitterness or anger that cause most relationships to end. It's hard, but probably the only solution for both of you.

[bednobs]

IMO, relationships should generally be easy; if it's not easy most of the time, then it's not right

[naomi24]

If it's going wrong now imagine how it could be in ten years time.

[Peter Pedant]

It ie still too lonh

[Old_Geezer]

Too long to read it all, sorry.

General advice: a break is no bad idea when things are fraught, but to fix a relationship both need to work on the issues, not ignore them for a bit. If you both can not commit to that nothing changes.

[royfromaus]

So you got to let him know wether he should stay or he should go

[royfromaus]

Otherwise you will just keep Clashing

[Peter Pedant]

go.... but dont go on

[Zacs-Master]

Yes, time to move on. It will hurt a bit but you'll bounce back and wonder why you ever considered staying.

[Prudie]

Well if you really want advice..I was in a relationship like this for several years, it made me into a truly pathetic doormat, almost begging an utter plonker not to leave me. Of course eventually he did and it left me very scarred.
He does not want a committed relationship with you, that is obvious. Walk away now with some self respect in tact. Especially at your age. You will cry a bit but you will get over it and find someone who wants to be with you and not mess you about.

[drmorgans]

During your 18 month relationship you have had two breaks. Imagine 10, 20 years, having children, caring for them, watching them grow up. Do you see that future? You obviously love this boy, but what if you saw him with someone else, would your reaction be jealousy, or "we need to move on"?

Talk to a friend, don't ask for their advice, just ask them to listen. Often talking openly and honestly about things helps us realise what we need to do.