The new book which suggests an affair can save a marriage?

[AB Asks]

The author, Mira Kirshenbau, has counselled hundreds of couples in her time, as a psychotherapist. In her new book which deals with extra-marital affairs she suggests it is not the be all and end all of everything. While at no point does she suggest that affairs are right, she says that not all people who conduct them are bad. Instead she suggests that once an affair starts it gets messy and people can't get out even though they may want to. She does believe that it does not have to be the end of a marriage, having had her husband cheat on her she forgave him and they are still together, she said her husband was not an awful man, but had instead behaved in an awful manner. What do you think?

[fideldyfee]

Not an awful man, but behaved in an awful manner. I agree with that part. I dont think i could continue on with the relationship if my partner had an affair. I think you could try, but i would feel like the trust had been betrayed and the special bond broken and after a while you would realise it was never going to be the same again and things would get worse between you. I guess you never know til you've been there though.

[R1Geezer]

hang on is she saying an affair can save a marraige, Ie marraige in difficulty, right oh I'll just nip round and sh4g her sister then, that'll sort it!

Or is she saying a marraige can survive and affari with a bit of copunselling

[China Doll]

I'll ask the wife of my most recent ex and see what she makes of it shall I?! I'm sure she'll see her point!

On a more serious note, if you're willing to do the work to regain the trust and work on the reasons why a partner strayed then yes, maybe the marriage will be better afterwards but that's assuming you get past the hurt caused by the affair in the first place and that's not always possible.

[Huderon]

lol ... HAving read various people's comments on affairs in responses to other questions, I'm beginning to think I have a very peculiar view of things.

If my wife had an affair, I might be hurt (it hasn't happened so I don't know) but one thing I would want to know is why it happened - as in what was I doing wrong that led her to have an affair. Then I'd set about trying to fix what was wrong.

It's strange how ideas and attitudes change - at one time, and in certain classes, an affair was considered acceptable provided it was with a married woman who had already had children. These days, couples happily live together with no thought of marriage, we refer to our partner rather than husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend, live in a world where porn is readily available, erotic images are used to sell things, and cheerily discuss all manner of things which would once have been considered private, and then throw a tantrum or go into teenage angst mode when someone has an affair instead of trying to sort out the problems which led them to having the affair in the first place.

Oh well, 'tis the times and the manners

[Ice.Maiden]

If my husband had an affair, I wouldn't automatically end the marriage, as there'd be too much at stake - namely the children, but if it can happen once, it can happen again. It must shatter your trust in your partner, and I'd imagine it'd take quite a while to get over that - but some folk seem to manage it.

[Dr-Legend]

Affairs are sad and secretive and sneaky and undrhand things.
Only undertaken by the lowest and those with no morals or feelings of guilt.

Cheats are the lowest of the low.




NICE TO SEE YOU TO SEE YOU NICE

[Ice.Maiden]

I partly agree with that - it's NOT nice. x