Who should pay for what in a relationship?

[Angelina9911]

I've been in a relationship with this guy for about 4 months now. In the beginning he would take me out a lot, and there never seemed to be a question of who would be paying for most of the evenings' entertainment (him). I have always thought that this was appropriate, especially given he's older than me and earns a lot more than me, though some may think that this is still quite old fashioned of me. Am I right to expect this behaviour to continue if it it was evident in the beginning? How do other people decide who should pay for what in a relationship? I have rarely encountered this problem before in past relationships, there always seemed to be a natural balance. Of late, he has made comments about money (though he says they are jokes, I find that hard to believe as money is always such a delicate subject) which have made me feel uncomfortable and like he does not find me as special as when we first met. Has anyone else encountered similar problems? How should it be dealt with and what should be expected?

[natalie_1982]

I'm 21 and my man is 22, we've been together 2 years and since day one we have always shared the cost of things. He's earns a lot more than I do so can afford to treat me more often but I still treat him as often as I possibly can. I think it's old fashioned and unfair, no matter how much he earns or what people's values are nowadays, to expect the man to pay. It's good to have that independence and not feel like you're take-take-taking from somebody. Maybe you could buy him a CD, or pay for a meal, or buy something nice to let him know that you would like to make the effort but simply cannot afford to as often as he can.

[OBonio]

If you've not paid for an evening out or even offered to, I suspect he'll start to get a bit hacked off.

[RevShirls]

I agree with natalie. I think you should, at least, offer to pay occasionally or to share the cost. I couldn't let someone pay for me all the time. You could even suggest going to somewhere more affordable for you so that you can treat him.

[jills]

I'm 33 (cos maybe age matters here)...and I just would nto expect a man to pay for me. I want (and have) a strong 'partnership' with equality in all areas. I think it's telling that you worry he may not find you as 'special' simply because he is fed up of pay ing all the time...that says a lot about how you feel you should be treated and how you see yourself. I'd start offering to pay for some things if you value this relationship and want it to have a future. I don't think your view is necessarily old fashioned (as I say, I'm 33), but it is outdated.

[andy hughes]

As previous answers suggest, it's less a matter of who has the money, than the gesture. If you offer to pay for a night out once in a while, or cook your partner a dinner at home, and mention it's as a 'thank you', things will be a lot smoother.

[Angelina9911]

Thank you to everyone for the responses and advice. It seems that I have given the impression that I never put my hand in my pocket. Since the relationship has become more involved things have evened out a lot more. I've paid for meals that we've had out, the cinema, obviously going round for round in drinking sessions, theatre a couple of times, etc. You get the picture. I have cooked him countless meals too. Which is why when he took me out for a meal just recently and a comment on the price of my main dish was made, I got a bit prickly.

[Tha-Flash]

I'd say either share cost / pay herself or she dosn't go on the date with me. I know it sounds rude but i'm still saying share the cost. I despise women who think men should pussy-foot around them and get told what to do and pay for what. In the jungle the male (dominant) animal would go out and fight to feed its wife and children, protect them. In our terms, its all changed... Guys with no balls are havin the time of their lives with this paying for everything just to get a kiss off a woman. I saw a program yesterday, basically this guy fancied this woman, and she didn't know... so the program guys get this guy to find what turns this woman on from the womans best friend / workers etc. It was really stupid, he smokes and girls best friend is like, she dosn't like no smokers so if you wanna get with her you will have to quit. He "Quits"... He does all this stuff like goto the gym so she'll want him... She dosn't even choose him in the end, just a friend. I knew that would be the outcome.

[norfolk boy]

I notice you refer to past relationships. Is this the case because you were tight with them and they got fed up ?

[Yinzer]

I'm a young (married) woman and I agree with you about an older man with deeper pockets treating me instead of vice versa. The only thing is I guess some men are truly into the chivalrous/provider thing and some aren't. Maybe he was just doing like the guy on the program described above, trying to "get you", and maybe now he starts feeling that you're "in place" and slowly morphs back into who he really is. It is a natural occurence in most relationships, though. People simply start taking eachother for granted. Has his been treating you differently in any other ways? Because if this happens this early into the rela.. then maybe it is time to find someone else. But if he still treats you as well in other ways then just assume that "the honeymoon is over". I hope this helps at all.

[zgma]

Money inequalities can also set up a power dynamic for the future that you probably don't want, with him using the money issue against you... For the present, if he is expected in the relationship to pay for the majority of dinners/etc., and he's not down with that arrangement (or he was, but now that you've been together for a while he wants to equalize it), then seems like he is getting resentful but doesn't know how to communicate that except with half-jokes. How's your communication? Can you say to him, let's talk about money and expectations, and have an honest conversation about it? Because it seems like there are valid reasons for him to pay more (he's more established, has more money coming in than you) and also valid reasons for him to be getting resentful (if you've always assumed he'd pay the bulk of it, but never actually decided that with him). If you're looking at trying for a long term relationship, being able to iron out little resentments like this (as well as big topics like how to work with money in the relationship) as they come up is a good habit to form.

[The Ponderer]

I hate to say it but this stuff really gets my back up too. Angelina if you want him to take you seriously you gotta go 50/50. Before I'd met my wife I went on countless dates where i was expected to cover the cost. With no disrespect to the various women invovlved some of their company wasn't exactly the greatest and not really worth the expense. When I met my wife she was independent, proud and ALWAYS insisted on going 50/50 and I believe that is why we are still together nearly 10 years later. Its time to get real its not the fifties anymore, women can and do earn a living and so there is no reason for this outdated practice.

[stoo_pid]

Would you expect your friend to pay for you when you go out for a meal? Why should it be any different for a bf/gf?