Awful Dilemma - Dad On Holiday

[sallyann16]

This situation is stressing me so much that I can hardly bear to write it down, but I need to resolve it in my head.
I have had a chequered relationship with my dad. I am now 49, he is 84 and as agile and sharp as a man 20 years younger. He and my mum divorced when I was 3, and they have remained single - and devoid of close friends through choice and circumstance - ever since.
Dad has always been controlling and manipulative in his words and to avoid falling out with him and not speaking to him for months on end - which has happened twice over my lifetime - I pretty much do what he wants. I visit him every 5 weeks for 3 days at a time and will go along with his agenda to avoid silence and sulking, safe in the knowledge that I will soon return home to my lovely partner.
My partner and I booked a cruise last year to the Adriatic next month and last time I saw my dad he said how much he envied me this cruise and how he would've loved to have come with us. I got very flustered and drenched with guilt and asked why he didn't say at the time. He said, I can hardly invite myself on to your holiday, can I?
My sister and I have offered to take him to places he has expressed an interest in - Belfast and Poland - but he said no, no, I can't be bothered with those, I wanted to go on this cruise with you.
He has pretty much spoiled our holiday now. What do I do? Offer to take him on the same cruise next year, even though I truly do not want to spend a week away with him - or just let it wash over me? He likes my partner but again is very fussy about making sure he has time with just me, and not him, so I couldn't inflict that on my partner. And my sister can't afford a cruise or time off work.
I am so upset and angry at his manipulation and can barely think of anything else.

[NoMercy]

I would just ignore him. He's deliberately trying to guilt trip you by the sound of it.

Tell him you are looking forward to a nice romantic holiday away with your partner - just the two of you!

[hc4361]

He is like an overgrown child with his sulking and moods. You certainly don't want to stuck on a boat with him for a week!

Take no notice, is my advice. No doubt if you'd have invited him at the time you booked he would have refused, now he's just being nasty.

[woofgang]

Well IMO you should have stopped pandering to him years ago....I know its not as easy as just saying no but that’s what I think you should do. I am not sure why you should care about the silence and sulking....well i do know because he’s your father but honestly enough is enough. Pull up your big girl knickers and stop this ownership of your life now.

[scorpiojo]

Having read your previous post, sallyann, it's clear that whatever you do for your parents will never be right or good enough.

Don't let your parents keep controlling your life. I would drastically reduce (or stop) the amount of contact you have with them.

Enjoy your holiday xx

[THECORBYLOON]

Why would you want to go on a holiday when only one out of three would enjoy it? You need to put your foot down, he has had his chances to enjoy different experiences and now it your turn. Forget about him for that week and don't let him ruin the trip.

[EDDIE51]

Agree with the above he is playing the 'guilt ' game that he has so successfully controlled you with over the years. Just imagine what would happen if you gave in and took him? He would be sulking and manipulative all the time demanding your attention constantly, you would have no time to enjoy yourself at all.
I know it is very hard but you deserve a decent holiday with your partner , give in now and he will be even worse the next time you want to do anything without him.

[CrapAtCryptics]

Family can be important but if its a constant negative self doubting experience why do you still punish yourselves. If he wants holidays he can do his own.

[jakep]

I was in a similar position. His unpleasantness also took the form of remarks about the money I would be getting on his death.
I shut him out of my life totally about twenty years ago. I had no regrets at all. He has since died and I did not get a penny, as expected. It did not matter, peace of mind is more important to me.

[mallyh]

I agree with all the above ,if he wants to go on a cruise so badly tell him to book one with a singles group he will meet lots of people .have a great holiday xx

[Kathyan]

He is trying to guilt-trip you. Had you had asked him to go on the trip with you at the time of booking, he most likely would have declined as hc said. Now he's trying to make you feel guilty for not asking him. You have your own life to live, as does he, and if he wants to be miserable then that's his choice, but he has no right to make your life miserable as well. Just keep visiting him as you do, but as for anything else keep that for you and you partner. You deserve your happiness and it seems that you're not getting that from your dad.

[jennyjoan]

As we here can see the "other side of the story" - do not be manipulated by him. He is tugging at your heartstrings. Since you and he clash at the best of times I truly think and I mean this you are VERY good to your dad as it is. Many's a daughter coulda walked away from it all.

Go with your lovely partner and enjoy yourself without any guilt. Oh by the way not your fault he is devoid of friends - it is any wonder. Have a great time.

I too have people who would love to guilt-trip you but you need to rise above it and just GO. Next year is Next year.

[BAKERS DOZEN]

At 85 my father-in-law was taking himself off on holiday alone. A week in Bournemouth, two weeks in Malta, a trip each year with the Dunkirk Vets. He made new friends every time and would scoff if we said we were worried about him. If your dad is as sprightly as you say they suggest he goes off on his own. Might give him something else to think about other than spoiling your fun. Older people can be very manipulative but only if you let them. Enjoy your holiday and if he sulks then leave him to it.

[ummmm]

I would ignore it.

[woofgang]

BAKERS DOZEN, I don’t think its the prerogative of older people, the OP says this bloke has been doing it all her life! Bullies and abusers (which is what this is) come in all ages and genders.

[Smowball]

I pop in and check on an 85 yr old man every week to see how he is. Like your dad he is as sharp and alert as can be. He has just been on a SAGA cruise on his own and thoroughly loved it, and has already booked for next year.

[Samuraisan]

I agree with everyone above. Don't let him give you a guilt trip. It is very difficult I know, my mother used to be like that, maybe not quite as bad, but bad enough. Get tougher !

[DTCwordfan]

If you do take him, you two go first class and put him in steerage.....

[EDDIE51]

All cruise ships are 'single class ' no first and second :-)
I agree, he is just going out of his way to be difficult, from what you say I am sure that if you had asked him he would have had refused and wanted something else.

[sallyann16]

Thank you very much for your support, everyone.
My dad can be very entertaining, witty company and we get on well if I dance to his tune and don't disagree with him. I certainly should've learned to grow some balls but I grew up with guilt from both parents and I simply can't live with myself should I upset one of them, knowing that they're totally alone and getting older.
My sister does stand up for herself and as a consequence my dad doesn't like her company much.
You have all reassured me greatly - huge appreciation and thanks again.

[MallyJ]

If I were you .. and of course I am not...I would wal away from this cntrolling and thoroughly nasty man...I would sever all ties and ignore him...I would only allow him back into my life if he made abject apoplogies and meant them. He has had you jumping through hoops for years..I have no doubt if you had asked him he would not have wanted to come with you. Please, for your own sanity and relationship tell him that you are fed up with his bullying, manipulative behaviour and a father that behaves like a sulky 5 year old and leave him alone.. he is not your responsibility.