Feelings Towards The Death Of A Parent

[nailit]

Maybe should go in B&S, but not after advice or sympathy, just a general discussion.

When my dad died 19 yrs ago, I felt very little in the time leading up to his death. I knew he was dieing but my thoughts (and actions) were directed towards the practical...making him comfortable, taking care of his last wishes etc. Even on the day of his funeral I remember looking out of the funeral car and thinking what a lovely sunny day it was while everyone else was crying. I felt little emotion at his funeral, my main concern was comforting my mum.
(it hit me a few weeks afterwards)

Now my mum is in hospital in palliative care. Spent 13 hrs in A&E yesterday with her b4 she was transferred to a cancer ward. Still doing tests etc but not looking promising. Still don't know how long she has...days, weeks, months? but its apparent that she is at the end of her life.
My emotions are completely different with my mum than they were with my dad. Im crying as I type this (please...no sympathy posts, she hasn't gone yet.!!!)

Just wondered why the difference?
I was quiet Stoic with my dads passing but my mums imminent demise is something that Im finding difficulty with.
Is it an age thing? (I was obviously younger when my dad passed)
Is it a gender thing? (sons and mums and girls and dads)
Something else?

Just wondered why the difference in emotions when losing parents.
Thanks.

[woofgang]

no idea....I am thinking that the reason for you may be different from the reason for someone else, also that it may be a fixture of things.

[woofgang]

sorry not fixture, mixture

[andy-hughes]

I can only assume that the difference in emotions is linked to the difference in the connection between you and each of your parents Nailit.


You have not gone into detail, but is your relationship with your mother closer than the one you had with your father?

If so, then you need look no further than that - if not, then we can discuss further when others join in with their views.

[marval]

I am sorry to hear about your mum Nailit, when my dad died it was a case that we had to make sure our mum was alright.

When my mum died I suddenly realised that both my parents had gone. I think I felt the loss of both of them at that time.

[nailit]

//You have not gone into detail, but is your relationship with your mother closer than the one you had with your father?//

Not closer, just different andy. Loved them both, just in different ways I guess.

[Mamyalynne]

I don't think we can always apply clear logic to these situations, it could be your strength and stoicism when your Father died was because of your Mother needing you and now - when she goes there's a sense of nothingness.

I was devoted to and inseparable from my Father and when he died I was 27 and married with 2 children, yet I fell apart and thought my life was over.

My Mother and I had a different and cooler relationship and when she dies 30 years later I was of course sad, but in a calmer and more restrained way.

[Theland]

Mum died in 93. Dad in 05. Cried at the time for both.
Afterwards, never dreamed about them, or anything else.
Last few years, I do dream, and remember the dreams.
Often my parents are in the dreams.
Don't understand it myself.
Just make sure Mum knows how much she is loved.

[Rockrose]

Is it because fathers traditionally hold the head of the family role and therefore perhaps not as emotionally involved whereas mothers are the carers

[andy-hughes]

I think Rockrose makes a good point.

Personally, I was spared any grief at all from the passing of both my parents, but I would have preferred to have enjoyed a relationship that I regretted losing, with the attendant sadness that comes with that loss.

[maggiebee]

Perhaps one of the reasons is that you've had your mum for longer than you had your dad.

[nailit]

Sorry, finding it hard to keep up with everybdys posts, im a bit 91ssed but reading them all nontheless.

[nailit]

not often that we agree RR but I don't think that you are far wrong there/ My dad was ex army...stiff upper lip type!

[nailit]

//Just make sure Mum knows how much she is loved//
Thanks Theland.
She knows :-)

[Rockrose]

I am very sorry for what you are going through I have to say I didn’t shed a tear when my mother died but I know when my father goes I will be heartbroken

[Theland]

Having a few then? Good for you. Sometimes it hits the spot.

[nailit]

//I am thinking that the reason for you may be different from the reason for someone else//
Thanks woof
Just trying to find out the reasons.

[Prudie]

There are far too many variables to generalise, not least how individuals react to grief. I have cried for days over the loss of certain pets (weeks for one particular dog) but I didn't cry for my parents, not even my mother with whom I was very close - it was far more a long shell-shocked reaction with no tears.

[237SJ]

I think the situation is two-fold. When you lose one parent, you can still care for the other one. When you lose the second one, you have a sense of being at the end of an era. I managed my Dad's death quite well and was quite pragmatic but when I lost my Mum, that was a different kettle of fish completely. Someone told me that there is no substitute in the whole world for a mother's love and that is very true.

[Eleena]

I had the same experience. I was very upset when my dad died. My mum passed away last year, but I was not as emotional. For me I think the way each died had a bearing on that. My dad was quite vulnerable towards the end, bedridden and depending on others. I think his vulnerability saddened me a lot.

[Eleena]

Prudie, that's so true about too many variables.