Lap Dancing

[Uttingbuzz]

I am recently married having been with my partner for over 5 years. In the last couple of months we have had hardly any physical contact as he says he is tired and stressed from work. At the weekend he went on a stag do and they were all going to a lap dancing club to end the night, before he left for the weekend he knew i wasnt bothered he was going there as part of the stag party but i did stipulate no paying for private dances to which he said he wouldnt as not that interested. He came back and told me all as part of his weekend story that he had a lap dance blah blah blah. I froze at this point and asked him to rewind, i felt sick that he hasnt been near me physically yet paid some bint to take all her clothes off and lap dance on him. I am not sure i can get over this. Am i being OTT or is my marriage doomed before even our 6month anniversary!

[JK04]

Marriage doomed over a lap dance? Yea i think your bein very OTT!

[jno]

you've read about a quarter of the post, JK04... Yes, he's showing more interest in other women than you and yes, he's enjoying himself out with the lads more than you, and yes, he's broken a promise. I expect drink had something to do with it. Nonetheless you're right to be angry, and I think he's got some explaining to do, and maybe some self-examination as well. But your relationship is over only if you want it to be.

[4getmenot]

but he wouldnt have been near her psysically either, they arent allowed to touch.

[JK04]

Give the man a break, its a lapdance on a stag weekend. It doesnt mean anything. What do you think happens on a stag weekend?
Its not like he's goin off sleepin with someone else?
He was honest with you when he came home, Would you have prefered it if he lied about gettin it?

[Uttingbuzz]

I knew he was going and wasnt bothered but to have a private dance with a naked bint all over him is something else! He didnt even have a stripper at his own stag but to now do it after us not being physical for a while (his choice) i am getting worried that he would pay for someone to get naked when he isnt interested in getting his new wife naked! If he was i wouldnt be on here asking about it.

[JK04]

Have you asked him why he got a dance and still hasnt showed interest in you lately?

[aka pixi]

hi uttingbuzz, by saying you stipulated he didnt pay for a private dance do you mean you told him not to do it rather than explaining you would rather he didnt do it?

if thats the case maybe he didnt like being told what to do and 'rebelled'?

[Uttingbuzz]

Yeah he said that he was sorry and he was just going along with everyone else but if you knew him he is never ever a sheep or affected by peer pressure. Said he has been tired and stressed with work, that he is sorry and will make it up to me. I still cant get over that he has me a real tangable person at home but chose to pay a stranger for a thrill. Yeah ok so there is no touching but as a woman it a phsychological thing more so than the physical act.

[Uttingbuzz]

last response was for jk o4 this one for pixie - i said and no private dances to which he agreed, if he hasnt the respect for my wishes and rebels everytime then i am doomed arent i!
As for you tetjam, whats that got to do with anything, i told you he hasnt been interested lately!

[beetlebum]

if i was in your situation i would be upset as well. as a general rule i wouldn't be bothered if my boyfriend paid to have a stripper dance for him because i'm comfortable in my relationship with him and i know that he looks at them the same way i do; they are a cheap thrill. i know that if he was in that situation, he wouldn't shag her because he knows he's got a better, classier deal at home., as i'm sure your man does. however, the issue you have here is not so much with stripper but with the physical contact you and him are lacking.
men go to strippers because what they're doing feels naughty and they love not knowing the strippers name etc, and you cant blame them for that after being in a long term relationship. i think you should put this event to the back of your mind.
strippers aren't threatening, only real affairs are!
but you do need a reason for the lack of physical contact in your relationship with him, have you asked him for a straight answer? have you tried anything new for him? possibly wearing some nice new lingerie, tying him up or even doing a lapdance yourself?!

[lil75]

Personally I wouldnt like it, I would be furious, JK04 I dont agree with you at all...but lets face it he says he is tired all the time, but when he went there all he had to do was sit back and watch with no effort from him whatsoever. I would suggest that he puts more effort into your marriage, as hardly any sex after 6 months is worrying. I can understand completely how your hurting, I would be the same, but he was with the boys and you know they all give it the biggun when they get together, blimmin sad if you ask me!

[JonnyBoy12]

Do saucy cats like lapdancing?

[pmorris1961]

What are we really talking about here ?

Not his 5 minutes of drunken leching at some pneumatic woman up a pole,who didnt give a tuppeny f*ck about who your husband was......... except that possibly she might make more tips out of him, and he wouldnt be a problem cos he was obviously uncomfortable or very drunk !!

You - what part do you play in this 2 way non sex thing ? you sound a tad uptight and judgemental ............are you ?

how sexually inticing are you ??

how tired is he, how stressed is your relationship because either he, you or both of you have lost sight of whats important ....................... can you de stress him in other ways ?

you jump to your marriage being doomed .....why ? you dont seem to want to fight for it tooo much ?? whys that then ??

[Octavius]

I suspect he was very drunk and egged on by all his mates. He may not even remember half of it.

Why would you need to particularly stipulate that he doesn't pay for private dancers? Is it something he has done before?

You need to communicate to each other properly and get to the bottom of the lack of compassion between you. The lap dancing is a minor issue compared to what you are saying between the lines.

[terambulan]

Uttingbuzz ......too much to read all t'other replies. I think ur bloke is taking you for granted and needs a good shake up.

Take this weekend off and leave him alone. Don't tell him where ur off to....just go, and let him fret. If he doesn't ring after u then he's not bothered & you'll know ur next step is, curtains!

DONT BE HIS DOORMAT!

[ArchieWW]

I think you should forget about the lap dancer - as others have said, it was a cheap thrill, which men enjoy and means nothing. You should be pleased that he was honest with you - he obviously didn't expect you to be so upset about it, or he may have kept quiet. As others have said, if it was an affair, you'd have something to worry about. It may be that he feels under pressure to perform in bed and may even have temporary erectile difficulties which would make him avoid sex. Best way round that is for you to suggest that you both just cuddle in bed - NOT leading up to sex - a long cuddle and nothing more. Do the same the following evening and so on. Once the pressure's off, you may find that he becomes keen to move on to lovemaking. You'll know when the time is right for that - but don't rush into it. That's my advice as a man!

[Uttingbuzz]

thanks for your responses most have really helped and its also good Archie to get a mans take on it that doesnt slate me for having these feelings, so thank you

Pmorris im not uptight or judgemental i like to think i am quite liberating as a rule and i have a high sex drive and willing to try new things with my husband however its the lack of contact that has knocked my confidence, him declining my approaches and then topping it with the whole lap dancing thing.

I know i need to get to the route of the loss of contact between us and take it from there, i love him and are in love with him and fancy him loads. I will work on that side of it! and try not to let the lap dancing situation mess with my head too much!

[Le Chat]

I would be made up if my husband had a lapdancer doing the private dance routine! Why? Because I know that men like that kind of stuff and it wouldn't enter my head even for one second to think that he was comparing her to me. I would ask him about all the gory details and we'd laugh about it together. However, mr Le Chat knows that the women who work in these clubs are only there to make their wages. They have no feelings towards the punters and are probably making shopping lists whilst dancing. He does tell me that he is unusual in this thought, as most of his mates really seem to think that the women are interested in them. Honestly, men are that arrogant!
I do know that many women would object to their bloke going to these sorts of places, as they find it an affront to their relationship. How can he be happy with me if he looks at porn/strippers? Well he can. It is like having 2 separate accounts. You don't take from one in order to be able to do the other!
Your husband is no doubt giving you a wide berth at the moment because he can feel your simmering wrath towards him, even if not at a conscious level.
What terambulam is suggesting is very childish in an adult relationship. It's the kind of thing you do when you're 17 and are unable to communicate effectively!
I think you are being OTT to be honest.
Maybe he is just tired, or is that not truly a possibility?