I'm 42 years old.. why do I allow my mother to make me feel worthless?

[tequilamock]

I always had an incredibly close relationship with my Mum. I'm an only child and we were more like friends. However, since giving birth to my little girl 2 years ago, my Mum is starting to have a detrimental effect on me...

She used to always tell me how proud she was of me. My husband & I ran a successful business for many years, then, with the recession, that hit a rough time... We had a very bad year, and, towards the end of that year (when my little girl was about 1), my Mum had a huge 'blow out'. She said my husband was a 'sorry excuse of a man' and that I 'disgusted her', amongst other really nasty, hurtful things. Although she did say sorry (by email..), she doesn't want to talk about it and the whole thing was brushed under the carpet... But I still think about it every day...

My husband got a great job, and I started working part time also. However, we still need her help and she gladly comes every week (she lives 50 miles away) and looks after our daughter. She loves this and my daughter adores her.

I am overweight and, although she doesn't moan about it, she does make comments about it. She also called me 'narky' last night.

I suppose it's just a bit of a shock to me to think the woman who I always held in such high esteem isn't 'perfect'. She actually has quite a nasty streak to her...

She 'raises her eyes heavenwards' in incredulity, and just has an 'air' of 'I''m not impressed' about her a lot of the time.

She won't speak about feelings and finds it hard to give compliments. In fact, when I gave her a compliment last week, she turned on me and said I'd had too much to drink!

I also wondered if relationships change after a daughter has a child...

I'm a good Mum, and I always try to be a kind, honest person. I find it really hard, and quite depressing, that the one person I always thought I could rely on to make me feel

[coccinelle]

Have other people in the family found that her behaviour has changed? There might be a medical reason for it.

[tequilamock]

There is no one else in the family and I'm pretty sure there is no medical reason at all.

[upsydaisy]

Aw thats so tough. I wonder if its her age - I'm guessing shes in her 60's? I noticed my mum becoming less patient and more set in her opinions since she hit 60. Also as much as she loves your daughter, your mum has been pushed aside in your affections and this might be tough for her. Just a thought xx

[tequilamock]

Thanks. Could be age, I suppose... She seems proud of her attitude. I suppose she was passive aggressive in the past. Now she's just aggressive!
She's certainly not been pushed aside by me - I am constantly thanking her, giving her little gifts, my husband cooks her amazing meals....

I guess I just have to come to terms with the thought that she's not the 'perfect' person I thought she was...

[zzxxee]

why not show her what you have put in your post? it may make her realise how you really feel?

[tequilamock]

She would be really upset I think... And it wouldn't start a conversation anyway as she doesn't ever discuss things. I have tried to get her to talk and it just doesn't work. She clams up and her immediate line of defense id to be nasty - even when there is no need, as the conversation is not started from an aggressive start point. She's said she's just not good at discussing things and would rather not, but it upsets me that I am not allowed to discuss them, as that's how it works for me! I don't think she has the first clue that the 'big blow out' of a year ago still hurts me now... I was very honest with her (all by email) at the time and she was truly sorry, but it has never been resolved because I've no idea what caused it! It came totally left of field! Who's to say it won't happen again...

I have an appointment to see my counsellor on Monday.... I need to shake this feeling of depression... I am NOT a bad person (and neither is my Mum), but I feel as though I'm mourning a death.. I feel teary a lot of the time, and I want the happy family unit back that I thought we had... Or was all that fake..?

[zzxxee]

oh tequila i didnt know you felt that bad my love xxx
do you think that you feel like you cant say anything because your mum helps you out with child care so much and therefore your like treading on egg shells?

[tequilamock]

A bit.. yes. The last thing I want to do is make her feel I'm being ungrateful. ..

[zzxxee]

your not being ungrateful just caught between the devil and the deep blue sea chin up xx

[feebal]

I think the relationship does change after a daughter has a child. My baby is 10 months old and my relationship with my mum has definitely changed since she was born. Like you we had a massive blow up which came out of nowhere, I didn't know what it was about and we have never really resolved what the issues were. We are getting along now but I'm still hurt by the way my mum has behaved since my baby was born, she's been very aggressive and nasty towards me but denies it when I bring it up. She loves her grandaughter and looks after her while I'm at work so I really don't know what it's all about!

I haven't really provided any answers for you but wanted to say it's not just you.

[tequilamock]

OMG! That's SO reassuring! Thanks SO much for posting! I've been in tears tonight and reading your post (sorry - I know it's really hard for you too) - but it has made me feel better... I wonder what my counsellor will say... I'll post here Monday night and let you know... Maybe it will shed some light for both of us...

It's really good to know it's not just me...

i wonder if we'll turn in to vicious Grandmas in 40 years time...!

[albaqwerty]

my relationship changed with my mum when my son was born. Not for the better by the way. sorry no advice to give, just a shoulder to scream, shout and cry on/at.
As feebal says, you are not alone. x

[daffy654]

I don't agree that the mother/daughter relationship changes for the worst after the daughter has a child.I have two daughters who have both had children within the last 18 months and I behave the same towards them as always.
Could your mum be struggling with early onset dementia tequila?Or even menopause symptoms.

[tequilamock]

thanks.. it really does help girls...

[tequilamock]

My mother does not have onset of dementia or menopausal problems. I do know. I nursed her mother for years who had dementia.

[jojojojoanne]

having has no experience in this area i cannot speak as a mother but things may change as your circumstances are different to what they originally were

[Ice.Maiden]

You say that you're an only child and were incredibly close to your mum.
It could just be, that with now seeing your affections openly given to your own daughter, she feels "pushed out", despite the fact that you and your husband try your best with her.
She's now no longer just a mother herself, but a grandmother, and your dependence on her's now much less than it was.
She lives 50 miles away from you, so probably wonders about her future, and that it might not be long before she's unable to cope with the travelling and she'll be even more on her own?
She's still trying to control you, as if you were her own young child again, but I'm sure that she loves you. If it was me, I'd write to her and explain how she makes you feel. It may do no good, but you sound as though you're trying too hard to please her. Be a little more assertive, and tell her that her words are unkind, and neither you nor your husband want to hear that sort of thing from her.
Best of luck.

[tequilamock]

Thanks Ice Maiden. You made some good points there... It's funny that you say I should be a bit more assertive, and I agree, but what is 'funny' is that she thinks of me as an incredibly assertive person, and makes snidey comments about this. I was incredibly assertive in my youth (but never cruel), and I have become less so as I get older. I sometimes think she gets me totally wrong... Maybe she still thinks of me as a stroppy 18 year old.

Better than a stroppy 66 year old!

I'll speak to my counsellor about this. Thanks

[pericat]

Hi tequila - as someone who has a very difficult relationship with her mother I would say try to let her know how you feel, make her listen or you may get more and more bitter as you get older. Your counceller will help you to see how you can change the way she treats you by the way you act. Whatever the reason for her behaviour it's only a reason there is no excuse. Good luck and concentrate on fostering a good relationship within your own little family unit.

[Eve]

I can't speak for attitudes changing after having children as I've not got that far yet but I've had some interesting things come out lately.

My mum has always had an issue with my weight despite me having had eating disorders which she just never seems to have understood.

After an evening where I ended up balling my eyes out (on my own) after she had been making mean comments to me and my brother for once noticed and said something to me, which made it worse, I decided to say something.

Next time she made a comment I pointed out it didn't help as it just made me feel worthless and never good enough and used the example of comments my ex used to make to me. I said that he said he saw it as helping, she said that is how she would see it.

I explained that it was just hurtful.

Using someone else as an example seemed to help me get things across better (however old I am there is still that fear of confrontation with her).

She did seem to get better and, to be fair, has been save for a few more recent comments but then I never expected miracles :)

I'd also never felt like I had any sympathy or emotional support and sometimes felt like I was screaming out to be comforted rather than just practical non-emotional advice.

Then my mum mentioned that my aunt had asked her how I was doing after splitting up with my ex. Mum said she had replied that I was fine and was such a strong person and never let things get to me etc...

I was quite gobsmacked. I never knew she saw me like that. I now get that if I need the emotional support then I need to ask for it rather than suffering away and hoping it will just be given then getting upset because it isn't.