Contacting the Other Woman?

[Jerra]

If you found out your partner was cheating on you and you were aware of the other woman's identify, would you contact her to get more truth? To hear her side?

I'm in a situation like this at the moment. My long distance partner cheated on me with a woman on-line for about a year. We were engaged. They never met, but I found out about their affair. Their affair was long distance, too. I know who the other woman is and I've made small contact with her, although she never responded back to me, but when I did, I didn't have more pieces to the puzzle. I believe she knew about me the entire time she was talking to him and he was in love with her. He says he never was and that he never told her that, but I just don't believe it.

I am looking at fragments to everything and I don't believe he's told me everything. I believe that while she knew about me, he lied to her about details concerning me. I think he was trying to get her to continue a long distance relationship but he didn't know what to do with me.

I want to forgive him and move on, but I find that I can't because I don't have closure. I need to know the truth before I decide what I shall do.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Have you ever been the other woman? How would you feel if you were contacted? Would you give the truth?

Any advise?

[Mamyalynne]

Never been in the situation from either angle, but the person you need to deal with is him! She is probably totally unaware of the true situation. you must decide if you can rebuild your trust as a couple. Good luck with that.

M

[Slooow_Jo]

My thoughts reading this, never mind 'her', he is a cheat, so kick him to the kerb!

But being as you've wrote this it seems you want to give another chance! if that's the case don't contact 'her' your'll only hear things you wished you hadn't!

You really need to be looking closer to home though! why did he cheat in the first place? get your answers from him, not an outsider.

[Slooow_Jo]

I would feel an 'internet affair' can be just as much a betrayal as 'real life', certainly if it's carried on for a year!!!

[joeluke]

That's the trouble with long distance relationships - you never know what the other person is up to

She may not be the only woman he's been in 'contact' with

[ummmm]

How is it an affair if they never met?

[rowanwitch]

I think sometimes the internet 'affair' is a replacement for porn,, it fulfills a fantasy and the participants can be whoever they want to be or whoever they wish they were, even after a year it still isn't real. but he may find it very hard to give up. Might be worth couples counselling if you really want to work things out as I suspect things would be said that may be regretted in an uncontrolled environment also a professional counselloer will be better able to judge how honest his responses are

[Greedyfly]

I would talk to her yes. But be prepared to not like what you hear. And just because they haven't met doesn't mean he hasn't been having an emotional affair. I found that more hurtful than if he had slept with her. Sex is just sex in my opinion. Sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings with someone else is just wrong.

I am sure you already know in your heart of hearts what you will do, I did from the second I found out.

[ummmm]

How do you know he's sharing intimate thoughts....he could be filling her full of broccoli...

[Greedyfly]

I don't and neither does she until she talks to her!

[China Doll]

Personally I tend to think the problem is with the person you're with and not the 'bit on the side'... I don't see how talking to her will help or indeed give you any form of closure, it is likely it will just add to the hurt. If you wish to go forwards with the relationship then you need to forgive and that's very hard, maybe RELATE could help you.

[andy-hughes]

I completely understand your need to move on in your relationship, but i am far from convinced that contact with this woman will give you the peace of mind you are looking for.

It assumes, quite reasonably, that she will even wish to talk to you, and that assuming she does, she will provide a reasoned calm discussion about the situation.

I am sure you have conducted 'conversations' with this woman in your head, but you must know that from sentence one, the 'script' goes out of the window!

You want to feel that this woman bears some of the responsibility for the damage to your relationship - it helps you to avoid aportioning all the responsibility (I am careful not to say 'blame') to your partner.

The truth is, she does not bear the responsibility - he does, and that is what you need address. Your reaction to his behaviour, and whether you can move on with this man and risk further hurt in the future.

You need to look at your relationship with your partner - and not try to analyse his relationship with someone else - that way lies pain and humiliation, or even worse, pity and silence.

Try some Relate counselling with your partner, and see if you can find a way forward together.

[237SJ]

I probably wouldn`t want to know the details. I`d probably just send her a pizza delivery every night for a year!

[snags]

''he could be filling her full of broccoli... ''

Is she vitamin A and C deficient then?

[sara3]

he's lied/covered this up for a year, and you want to stay with him?

forget the other woman, keep your dignity and move on.

[snags]

As sara(h) says... never settle for second best... like that Tesco Value rubbish ;-p

[ummmm]

I actually said s h i t e

[China Doll]

'...never settle for second best... like that Tesco Value rubbish...'

^^^ Unless it's baked beans!

[lil75]

I dont think you will get closure from contacting this woman, purely for the fact that whatever she had to say, you would always be wondering if he was up to something, you have to ask yourself if you want to live that way...I dont think I could x

[cymruambyth1]

Hi,

I havent been in the exact same position, but after being with my boyf for a year I found out that he nearly kissed/slept with another girl. They worked together and went for lunch etc.without me realising. She tried to kiss him and he said no I cant do this I have a girlfriend.

I found out about 5 months after this, and although at the time I was destroyed and so upset that he had done this. But 3 years on we are soo much stronger, it made him realise what he had with me and how he didnt want to lose that. Yeah it was really tough learning to trust him again, but I am glad I did.

It all depends if he realises what he would've missed if he lost you, and the reasons why he did it. Alot of the time guys (and girls) just get sucked in and dont necessarily (I believe) know that what they are doing is really wrong.

Hope you manage to sort things out x