relationship advice needed please....

[HippyHarry]

Hi

My wife has recently left me, without warning, citing that she was unhappy in our relationship. We never rowed or had fights, but she says disatisfaction built up over time and she did not know how to communicate it, so the feelings just grew until it was too much. The main reasons that she now gives is the fact that I was pretty stressed with work and was not as approachable as i used to be.

I have discovered that she actually met somebody else prior to leaving and has been seeing him in secret, this is obviously heartbreaking news to find out.

We spoke a few days ago and I got her to agree to try and work on our relationship for a few weeks to see if we can make it work, for our own sakes and for the sake of our young child. In this time she says she will have no contact with this other guy, but I have many trust issues with this, due the sheer amount of lies that have been told to cover the affair up. I want us to work, i really do, but do not know the best way to approach this. I fear that the other guy will be on her mind, that she may be in contact secretly and that perhaps she is 'going through the motions' of trying, due to pressure from me and her family.

Any advice on how I should approach this?, It seems like I have just one shot at saving my family unit and making things work. Any help or ideas much appreciated

[nohorn]

Well, no one has tried to reply, I'll try: First I must say you have my deepest sympathy. I know you think your world is turned upside down and your heart ripped out. Life is difficult most of the time, trials and problems and you always wonder if you are doing the right thing, especially for your child. There have been a couple of things I have learned over the years. One is that what seems to be a tragedy can sometimes be a blessing. (I found that out about some items in my life, I didn't realize it until 40years later.) Life can take some cruel turns. I can't really predict but my gut feeling is the same as your thoughts, "going through the motions" will happen. I think she will be calling the shots. It could be something she might regret, give her time and space. If she choses to move out, she could be back if things don't work out. I think it would help you if you had professional counseling. They perhaps could offer you advice and be a shoulder to lean on. If you can't afford it, perhaps a clergy-person? You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[sara3]

I also do sympathise, but pressuring her into a trial isn't the way I'd go. I suspect it could get pretty explosive, but if she's willing to give it a go you have to respect that. she could have said no (depending on just how much pressure she has received, of course) so you have no choice but to try to trust her. if you're going to spend a few weeks checking up on her and giving her a hard time.. she'll be gone by the end of it.

consider letting her go, and let her see the reality of her new "relationship". she may well come back to you, but she has obviously been unhappy so you'll have to play your part in making it better. if you're never going to trust her again, there's really no point. you also need to consider counselling, whether she stays or goes. she has to WANT to stay with you, and not feel pressured into staying.

all the best.

[TTG]

Sorry to hear about this mate. Hope you sort things out. As far as advice goes my thoughts are the same as the above two posters.

[beso]

Above all else, consider the relationship of your child with both you and your wife. Everything else must be considered secondary. Contemplate how your relationship CAN work without being the standard family unit.

It CAN work. I know from experience. I have adult children who have the greatest admiration for how their parents handled this same kind of situation.

Don't limit yourself to just one outcome. Odds are you marriage is over and you must be willing to work with this. Clinging will not work.

Your wife didn't care enough to communicate. Not her fault nor yours, just the way the cookie crumbled. There could be another woman out there much better suited to you, especially now you have learned so much through this experience.

Broaden your horizons. Look forwards without regrets. Ironically this will be more likely to win back your wife than dwelling on the perceived loss of the relationship. You may find that ultimately that getting back together is not even what you want.

Focus on being a Dad. The rest will sort itself.