London Olympics 2012!!!

[Jemisa]

London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event,
are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes have been leaked, and are reproduced below:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit.The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.



THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful.



In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage

of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc)

the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving

police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or

Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event

by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive

mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler

[maggiebee]

Very funny, but a bit too close for comfort!

[To-Ryscum]

not funny at all - why is this in jokes ?

[chelle7272]

Sorry no, not funny in the slightest

[Jemisa]

Its clever though, Someone must have sat in the office for hours making it up. It is funny, but depends on one's sence of humour.

jem

[Postdog]

Oh get a life you two - it's a light hearted take on the reality of the area and society today.

[To-Ryscum]

no it"s not - it"s "twisted and sick"!!!

[cupid04]

You wouldn't be taking the pi$$ if you had lost a close friend or relative or
your livelihood!

[Harry-Wragg]

It's plagiarised from Ian Black's book "Weegies vs Edinbuggers and Edinbuggers vs Weegies", published in 2003

[To-Ryscum]

Plagiarist and Purveyor of "sick imagination" - not too good Jemisa :0(

[chelle7272]

Not really jem it's an adaptation.

[flump1]

Jem, that tickled me x

[JonnyBoy12]

I do not think that this is a joke; I think it is for real!

[funnygirl]

Made me laugh and I forwarded around my office too.

[Madmonks]

I've heard that they have had to devise another way to start the races to prevent numerous false starts because the sound of the starting pistol will be indistinguishable from the ambient sounds coming from outside the stadium.

[Harry-Wragg]

funnygirl - what are you doing in an office at this time of night?

[tommy-h]

Some people need to get a sense of humour,I found it amusing Jemisa ty.

[Jemisa]

As I've said before 'To Each His Own' but no way do I think its sick,
I would never have posted it if I had, and Ed would have pulled it if he and his team thought it was offensive.

jem