How Dairy!

[Peaspeculiars]

I walked into a shop and the man at the till threw eggs, butter and a block of cheese at me! How Dairy!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

Friend of mine was on a plane the other day flying back from Germany, when some sausages in a passenger’s luggage exploded.
She told me it really was the wurst case scenario

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us.

[Zacs-Master]

Like the sausages one.

[tonyav]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

[Peaspeculiars]

^^^
:-) Hee, hee! I love the daft ones

[cupid04]

Lol, lol, love them all!

[tonyav]

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No the steaks are to high'.

[Zacs-Master]

A butcher backed into the bacon slicer and got a little behind in his orders.

[Peaspeculiars]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

[tonyav]

Phone answering message. - ' ... If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key..'

[tonyav]

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

[Peaspeculiars]

I bought a boomerang today - thing is I couldn't remember how to throw it - suddenly it came back to me

[Peaspeculiars]

A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely."
Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes."
The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order"

[tonyav]

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor Doctor, 'I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, ' I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

[tonyav]

LOL, like the pub one.

[Peaspeculiars]

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

[tonyav]

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

[Peaspeculiars]

Lol Tony ;-)

Here's the last one, then I'm off to make some dinner...

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."
The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Incredulous, everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman.
"I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[tonyav]

LOL LOL.

[Spoonboy]

A compo between tony and peaspeculiars...lol :))

[Peaspeculiars]

Lol! :-)

[tonyav]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.