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A Real Dilemma Re A Neighbour.
24 Answers
Wasn't sure where to post it...I truly need sage advice though.
I have an elderly neighbour, who is widowed and lives in a large house (an ex Church Manse).She has two daughters who have her overnight every few months and then despatch her back on the bus.
I know this as I look after her cat.
She has for the last year referred to her husband, who has passed, as in getting his supper for him etc , I go with the flow but i've been aware.It ws disconcerting at first
It's clear she is showing signs of dementia (please don't correct me as I don't know the difference between that and Alzheimers and to be honest it doesn't matter now)
Two night ago she came to me at 7pm and said she had been in the greenhouse for hours ....the 'men' had released her but her husband and daughters were playing a prank on her and not letting her back in the house.She was locked out...her purse and cards were scattered when we went down to check.She was dehydrated and frozen.It was awful for her as she did at times say she didn't like living in this surreal world.It's awful.
I managed to get her daughter,who was less than chuffed and reluctantly decided to come to see her, she was the only one with a key.
She left her mother alone that night and when I went to see if she was there the following day (I was to look after the cat) she was there with a cleaner.She said she was happy as she didn't think the men would come back and Robert wouldn't play any more pranks on her.
My dilemma is : If she hadnt 'escaped' to us for help after the 'men' released her she would have lain in that greenhouse all night and she likely would have died...it's very cold up here.We are going on holiday so she won't have us to help her.
Her daughter see's her as a pest in my opinion as she tutted when I phoned and sighed. I would have been most upset.. She has only seen her other daughter once in the last 18mths.They are both extremely wealthy and successful...they owe her, she is their Mother.
I'm worried sick.There has been other episodes but none as scary as this one...i've diluted it.
So when do I phone Social Services and ask them to look after her?
The daughter doesn't want to know. Believe me.
I can't have this on my conscience...i'm even sitting here wondering if she's wandering about waiting on the shops opening...
Any help would be appreciated. I dont care about the family...I only care about her.
Thank you for bearing with me if you managed to get to the end....anyone dealing with dementia will realise that it's hard to be very concise.
I have an elderly neighbour, who is widowed and lives in a large house (an ex Church Manse).She has two daughters who have her overnight every few months and then despatch her back on the bus.
I know this as I look after her cat.
She has for the last year referred to her husband, who has passed, as in getting his supper for him etc , I go with the flow but i've been aware.It ws disconcerting at first
It's clear she is showing signs of dementia (please don't correct me as I don't know the difference between that and Alzheimers and to be honest it doesn't matter now)
Two night ago she came to me at 7pm and said she had been in the greenhouse for hours ....the 'men' had released her but her husband and daughters were playing a prank on her and not letting her back in the house.She was locked out...her purse and cards were scattered when we went down to check.She was dehydrated and frozen.It was awful for her as she did at times say she didn't like living in this surreal world.It's awful.
I managed to get her daughter,who was less than chuffed and reluctantly decided to come to see her, she was the only one with a key.
She left her mother alone that night and when I went to see if she was there the following day (I was to look after the cat) she was there with a cleaner.She said she was happy as she didn't think the men would come back and Robert wouldn't play any more pranks on her.
My dilemma is : If she hadnt 'escaped' to us for help after the 'men' released her she would have lain in that greenhouse all night and she likely would have died...it's very cold up here.We are going on holiday so she won't have us to help her.
Her daughter see's her as a pest in my opinion as she tutted when I phoned and sighed. I would have been most upset.. She has only seen her other daughter once in the last 18mths.They are both extremely wealthy and successful...they owe her, she is their Mother.
I'm worried sick.There has been other episodes but none as scary as this one...i've diluted it.
So when do I phone Social Services and ask them to look after her?
The daughter doesn't want to know. Believe me.
I can't have this on my conscience...i'm even sitting here wondering if she's wandering about waiting on the shops opening...
Any help would be appreciated. I dont care about the family...I only care about her.
Thank you for bearing with me if you managed to get to the end....anyone dealing with dementia will realise that it's hard to be very concise.
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>>>It's clear she is showing signs of dementia (please don't correct me as I don't know the difference between that and Alzheimers and to be honest it doesn't matter now)
I'm not seeking to correct you but, just for clarification, 'dementia' is a condition that can be brought on by many causes but, particularly among the elderly, Alzheimer's Disease is almost certainly the most common. i.e. 'dementia' is a 'condition' (as a cough, a headache or blindness are all 'conditions', rather than diseases) but Alzheimer's is a disease leads to that condition.
>>>So when do I phone Social Services and ask them to look after her?
By recognising that a few hours difference between finding her alive after she'd 'escaped' and possibly finding her dead from hypothermia after she'd spent all night in the shed, you seem to have answered your own question: AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
OK, let's be practical here. You're unlikely to get any immediate response by phoning the emergency number for your local Social Services at this time of night. But a call to them as soon as their offices open in the morning would seem to appropriate.
I'm not seeking to correct you but, just for clarification, 'dementia' is a condition that can be brought on by many causes but, particularly among the elderly, Alzheimer's Disease is almost certainly the most common. i.e. 'dementia' is a 'condition' (as a cough, a headache or blindness are all 'conditions', rather than diseases) but Alzheimer's is a disease leads to that condition.
>>>So when do I phone Social Services and ask them to look after her?
By recognising that a few hours difference between finding her alive after she'd 'escaped' and possibly finding her dead from hypothermia after she'd spent all night in the shed, you seem to have answered your own question: AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
OK, let's be practical here. You're unlikely to get any immediate response by phoning the emergency number for your local Social Services at this time of night. But a call to them as soon as their offices open in the morning would seem to appropriate.
Sorry...I didn't dilute it...there was far more...she was with us for hours before her daughter came....she's in St Andrews at least an hour and a half away.
The other problem I have is that I went around yesterday to check and I spoke to the cleaner (one afternoon a week) who knows her daughter and I was blunt in a nice way saying she needs someone to come in every night to make sure she is 'tucked' up and safe in the house.I felt as though I was touting for a job....far from it.Its clear, even when I was speaking to her cleaner and her that she wasn't firing on all cylinders.How can people live with themselves knowing this? Surely at this stage in her life she deserves to be cared for and loved, do people forget so easily what their parents did for them? The poor lady is terrified.What's worse is that she's scared of her daughter. She's more concerned about what people will think of her daughter leaving her on her own that being on her own. Sorry for rambling....it's very very upsetting as i'm sure some fellow ABers will perhaps empathise with me , at least on this.
The other problem I have is that I went around yesterday to check and I spoke to the cleaner (one afternoon a week) who knows her daughter and I was blunt in a nice way saying she needs someone to come in every night to make sure she is 'tucked' up and safe in the house.I felt as though I was touting for a job....far from it.Its clear, even when I was speaking to her cleaner and her that she wasn't firing on all cylinders.How can people live with themselves knowing this? Surely at this stage in her life she deserves to be cared for and loved, do people forget so easily what their parents did for them? The poor lady is terrified.What's worse is that she's scared of her daughter. She's more concerned about what people will think of her daughter leaving her on her own that being on her own. Sorry for rambling....it's very very upsetting as i'm sure some fellow ABers will perhaps empathise with me , at least on this.
I can't thank you all enough.This has made me ill with worry and i'd like to acknowledge all the people who do care for the people who have cared all their lives...it's their time.
My daughter , who I discussed it with (she said the same as you lovely people but it's a hard one...hence asking you)...she said if a stranger called her and said her Mum (me) had been in a greenhouse all day and was dehydrated and hypothermic she would have been near hysterical and wouldn't let me out her sight again. That's right isn't it? That's humane.
My daughter , who I discussed it with (she said the same as you lovely people but it's a hard one...hence asking you)...she said if a stranger called her and said her Mum (me) had been in a greenhouse all day and was dehydrated and hypothermic she would have been near hysterical and wouldn't let me out her sight again. That's right isn't it? That's humane.
I'd like to mark you all as best answers....you have no idea how much you have helped me....and possibly 'M' ....you are all stars in my eyes xxx
I can't thank you all enough...i'ts very hard to sometimes to put a very traumatic experience into words but sadly the most harrowing part was that she was scared of her daughters reputation for leaving her on her own....well she my be able to hood wink her delightful but clearly blinkered Mummy but it doesn't wash with me. I'm on it it. They can come and interview me ...I won't be anonymous as my husband has had 'bizarre' episodes as well with her !We adore her....she's a proper old school gentile lady with her hair in bun and no way is she going to be treated otherwise,I'll keep you all posted and I feel I can now go to sleep.You're all stars....i've truly been sick to the pit of my stomach worrying...no-one likes a grass. Well I don't care x
I can't thank you all enough...i'ts very hard to sometimes to put a very traumatic experience into words but sadly the most harrowing part was that she was scared of her daughters reputation for leaving her on her own....well she my be able to hood wink her delightful but clearly blinkered Mummy but it doesn't wash with me. I'm on it it. They can come and interview me ...I won't be anonymous as my husband has had 'bizarre' episodes as well with her !We adore her....she's a proper old school gentile lady with her hair in bun and no way is she going to be treated otherwise,I'll keep you all posted and I feel I can now go to sleep.You're all stars....i've truly been sick to the pit of my stomach worrying...no-one likes a grass. Well I don't care x
Aren't 'families' amazing !! Just wait till the lady has passed away and there's money to be had ....there'll be an avalanche of attention !! I speak from experience in the plural !!
ASAP contacting social services .... I hope they're better in the UK than they are here, but one can hope.
As one to another, thank you for all you've done for your neighbour, usually it's a thankless task certainly from the families involved. :))
ASAP contacting social services .... I hope they're better in the UK than they are here, but one can hope.
As one to another, thank you for all you've done for your neighbour, usually it's a thankless task certainly from the families involved. :))
Such a sweet kind neighbour you are. Please do call social services. I once had this experience and i called my now partner, who was at that time a social worker. A lady was walking past my house and was very confused, she told me she was going to the dentist, but she had nothing with her to say she had an appointment, and she was resting her elbows on my front wall. I went out to her, she was so scared of me and flinched just as i walked towards her, this was clear to me someone had at some time in her life abused her. She came into my living room, i left the doors open so she felt safe, i made her a cup of tea and then got onto getting her some help. Thank god i did, her husband had died and her son was in Australia (lovely man) her daughter lived 3 miles away and never came to see her, and when she did, she was vile. Social services contacted her daughter and she was on holiday, not even mentioned it to the poor lady. Then they found a contact for the son and her son was stunned to hear what was going on and he came to see her after a few days. He helped her settle into the house, cleaned up for her, i got to know him, and when his sister came back she wasnt happy to see him. Obvious to him that she wanted all her mother had, and now he was back she was going to lose out. They even argued in front of this old lady and me when i had gone round with some casserole. It was later found that the daughter had lashed out at the women several times, hence why she was so frightened. She has since died. Her son sold her house and has gone back to australia. I always think about her and feel good that i made that call. You will too. xx (please excuse spelling, i am tired, but can't sleep)
/ Everyone else has given good advice and just a little extra: this is a safeguarding issue, which SS need to address alongside the lady's GP services. //
agree mosaid - this is a safeguarding issue and I think you can take the view it is the duty of the social and GP to look into it ( so tell them, and make sure a record of your concern is made )
agree mosaid - this is a safeguarding issue and I think you can take the view it is the duty of the social and GP to look into it ( so tell them, and make sure a record of your concern is made )
Good for you kylesmum You have done the right thing. As Peter said in the previous post keep a record of all the contacts you make and tell the profesionals you are doing this.
One place I have found useful in this type of situation is the public library who will often have records of local social groups
Take care God Bless
One place I have found useful in this type of situation is the public library who will often have records of local social groups
Take care God Bless
Well done, klesmum, it isn't an easy situation. Everyone else is correct in what they have suggested. I have one other offering:- a dear friend broke down completely and suddenly (she was out in the street in her nightie, having thrown and dragged out with her as much of her furniture as she could. In this case a neighbour called the police, who were brilliant and took her to hospital. This was a few years ago - I offer the suggestion as an emergency fall-back.
We had the same situation with neighbours in France - their kids refused to come over from England until emergency services forced them. They'll say nice things at the funeral though.
We had the same situation with neighbours in France - their kids refused to come over from England until emergency services forced them. They'll say nice things at the funeral though.
We had a similar but not nearly as upsetting a situation with an elderly neighbour of ours. He essentially had no relatives and was clearly unwell.
I telephoned his GP reminded the receptionist of his age and that he lived alone and said that I thought he was quite ill and needed a GP visit.
The GP came later that day and admitted the old boy to hospital. After that Social Services were involved and he had several more years of happy life with carers in his own home.
So, my advice would be to do the same and contact this old lady's GP first thing tomorrow asking for a visit. Nodoibt the receptionist will ask why a visit, so you can tell her then that the lady seems afraid, to be having hallucinations and is too frail to come to the surgery. I think you would be best advised not to take her to the surgery, the GP needs to see her in her own home.
If that fails, then try the Social Sevices route.
Whatever happens, good luck to you and to her.
PS Give up on the daughters. They're not going to buck up. If they were going to help, they would have by now. You are wasting your energy getting angry with them.
I telephoned his GP reminded the receptionist of his age and that he lived alone and said that I thought he was quite ill and needed a GP visit.
The GP came later that day and admitted the old boy to hospital. After that Social Services were involved and he had several more years of happy life with carers in his own home.
So, my advice would be to do the same and contact this old lady's GP first thing tomorrow asking for a visit. Nodoibt the receptionist will ask why a visit, so you can tell her then that the lady seems afraid, to be having hallucinations and is too frail to come to the surgery. I think you would be best advised not to take her to the surgery, the GP needs to see her in her own home.
If that fails, then try the Social Sevices route.
Whatever happens, good luck to you and to her.
PS Give up on the daughters. They're not going to buck up. If they were going to help, they would have by now. You are wasting your energy getting angry with them.
i really feel i must stick up for the daughters a little bit. You simply don't know what's going on.
My mother in law is in a similar position in that she is very muddled most of the time. My husband has four other brothers and sisters, but because we live closest we bear th brunt of things. Last weekend she phoned 16 times,in one day and didn't know what she wanted , but when we went round there was totally fine . To top it that night she pressed her community alarm button at 1 am and 4 am, and didn't answer the phone so my husband hauled himself out of bed twice to drive 10 miles over there, to find her 1) asleep or 2) tucked up in bed with a cup of tea, having no idea she'd pressed it. This is on top of having a full time job, being my informal carer and trying to get some of our own family life with a 3 year old. Although he loves his mum very much, to an outsider it may seem like he doesn't give a *** because on some occasions he won't return her call, or go and see her when she asks, or rings up crying. He sees her most days, and we just wanted a weekend off this weekend - she has called 5 times this weekend, saying how lonely and bored she is. Sometimes we are at our wits end trying to navigate thru our own lives while helping her navigate hers
My mother in law is in a similar position in that she is very muddled most of the time. My husband has four other brothers and sisters, but because we live closest we bear th brunt of things. Last weekend she phoned 16 times,in one day and didn't know what she wanted , but when we went round there was totally fine . To top it that night she pressed her community alarm button at 1 am and 4 am, and didn't answer the phone so my husband hauled himself out of bed twice to drive 10 miles over there, to find her 1) asleep or 2) tucked up in bed with a cup of tea, having no idea she'd pressed it. This is on top of having a full time job, being my informal carer and trying to get some of our own family life with a 3 year old. Although he loves his mum very much, to an outsider it may seem like he doesn't give a *** because on some occasions he won't return her call, or go and see her when she asks, or rings up crying. He sees her most days, and we just wanted a weekend off this weekend - she has called 5 times this weekend, saying how lonely and bored she is. Sometimes we are at our wits end trying to navigate thru our own lives while helping her navigate hers
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