ChatterBank2 mins ago
Too Dark
Two old drunks, on their way home from the pub, were stumbling up a country road in near darkness.
"Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard, look I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105."
"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"
"No, it was somebody named Miles from Dublin."
"Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard, look I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105."
"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"
"No, it was somebody named Miles from Dublin."
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My favourite one re gravestones is this:
An old spinster died. Her relatives asked the stonemason to inscribe on her headstone:
Born a virgin, lived as a virgin, died a virgin.
The stonemason said, "It's five pounds per letter so that will be an extra £240 on top of the cost of the stone".
"That's a little beyond our budget", replied the family.
The stonemason replied, "If I can condense it a little I can let you have it for £75."
The family agrees and when the stone was erected it bore the legend, "Returned unopened"
An old spinster died. Her relatives asked the stonemason to inscribe on her headstone:
Born a virgin, lived as a virgin, died a virgin.
The stonemason said, "It's five pounds per letter so that will be an extra £240 on top of the cost of the stone".
"That's a little beyond our budget", replied the family.
The stonemason replied, "If I can condense it a little I can let you have it for £75."
The family agrees and when the stone was erected it bore the legend, "Returned unopened"
very good....here's an old Tyke one:
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stonemason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word, the stonemason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin". He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"
The stonemason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stonemason: "There you go, sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud: "E, she were thin".
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stonemason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word, the stonemason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin". He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"
The stonemason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stonemason: "There you go, sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud: "E, she were thin".
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