Tim Vine

[Hopkirk]

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

[bibblebub]

Snails move quickly because of their shells. Without them they're a bit sluggish.

[aelmpvw]

the man who invented velcro died yesterday ... rip

[Baldric]

"I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button"

[Baldric]

Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said
"No, I've got china in my hand."

[Hopkirk]

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.

(actually, not from Tim Vine, but from Stephen Grant)

[Chipchopper]

I decided to sell my hoover, well it was only collecting dust.

[Patsy33]

A paraplegic man was waiting at the bus stop when the bus pulled up. The driver recognised the man from school days and said,'Hello mate, how are you getting on?'..........

[marval]

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."

[Baldric]

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

[marval]

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

[Baldric]

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

[marval]

So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said, "Analogue?" I said, "No, just a watch."

[Baldric]

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

[Hopkirk]

Excellent! Keep 'em coming.

[marval]

I just got a great job helping a one arm typist when she wants to do capital letters. It's shift work.

[scorpiojo]

I saw this advert in a window that said "Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full." I thought " I can't turn that down."

[Baldric]

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

[marval]

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics. I got bronze.

[Baldric]

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

[Baldric]

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'