A drunk walks into a pub, orders a scotch and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."
"Relax," the barman says, "give me a fiver." The bartender folds up the note and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five quid to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five quid to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's a tenner in here!"
"Oh yeah, he *** my troos, too."