Sunday Express Skeleton 3Rd November
Crosswords1 min ago
Got A Bear On My Roof ..
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in a few minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?
'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then, I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.
'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?
'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then, I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.
'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'
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A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting.
The first morning out, Bill goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sights and fires.
He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.
All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.
The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.
Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.
The next morning, Bill takes an even bigger gun with him and goes to the same place he saw the bear before.
And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, gets the bear in his sights and shoots! He looks all around, but there is no bear.
All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''
Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.
Bill is all pisshed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sights, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna effffing goin' ta get it!''
He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder.
He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''
The first morning out, Bill goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sights and fires.
He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.
All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.
The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.
Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.
The next morning, Bill takes an even bigger gun with him and goes to the same place he saw the bear before.
And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, gets the bear in his sights and shoots! He looks all around, but there is no bear.
All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''
Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.
Bill is all pisshed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sights, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna effffing goin' ta get it!''
He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder.
He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''
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