Some More Gems.

[Rondy]

I got talked into buying a pre Cremation package today, the upside is if I die in a fire I get half the money back.

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Someone has stolen a broken set of scales which I was hoping to fix.
They'll never get a weigh with it.

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I'm sensing that there's gonna be an explosion in a fish finger factory.
Yup, the whiting's on the wall

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Amazingly, it's still completely legal to kidnap a Mother Superior.
No offence, - nun taken.

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ME: "Could you recommend something for diarrhoea?"
CHEMIST: "Undercooked chicken should do the trick."

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Just been to Boots and asked the assistant if they sold Benylin.
She replied, ''For cough?''
I said, "Steady on love I only bloody asked!"

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Have you tried the new Vauxhall pate?
It’s like normal pate, but Corsa.

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I Told all my kids they were born on February 29.
Saved myself a fortune on birthday presents.

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I couldn't eat my breakfast so I sprayed pledge on it, I soon polished it off after that.

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I used to have a job working backstage in a strip club.
£10 an hour.
Not much I know, but it was all I could afford to pay.

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I attempted to smuggle a rugby ball through customs once.
I thought it was worth a try.

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I was arguing with my wife in Nando's when a mutual friend came over and nicked our coleslaw & garlic bread.
I don't think he should be taking sides.

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