Affair/Divorce?

[kaba81]

Hi, My husband a a short affair in December, I thought something was going on because he was acting differently towards me. I found out when I left him that he slept with her twice (she told me)when I left. we were due to go away together for 1 month in feb, which I said I wasn't going, he begged me to go and I eventually gave in. I found proof of his affair when I returned & confronted her about it ( I found her phone number) she told me everything! She then called him & told him she'd had a call from me & he rang me & raced round to finally admit the truth. Ever since it has been up & down, I have told him I will stick by him, but it's all been a bit hard. I recently asked him for a divorce & he was deperate not to let me go and asked if there was anything he could do. He basically talked me round into believing he has missed me & all he wants is me. Also said that in 2 month he would have settled into his new jo & we can get a place together again. His affiar lasted 3 months (1 month no sex apparently & 1 month when we were away). What should I do? Should we go for councelling or should I just foget it? We have been married 2 years, together over 4.

[~Wingnut~]

Hi kaba81

So sorry for your predicament and at the end of the day I think your the only one who really knows and feels if your marriage is worth saving.
If your even in a bit of doubt, try Relate, but to me it sounds like you've had enough. Maybe some time apart may help you make up your mind or maybe he just needs a bit longer to prove himself to you and you can work things out.

Personnelly if it was me, the door would be hitting him on the way out!

[~Wingnut~]

Sorry missed off;
"Good luck and hope things work out for you"

[jake-the-peg]

Affairs are more common than many people think. It's often quoted that 60% of men have affairs and 40% of women.

Also an awful lot of people get over them patch up their marriage and go on.

But many of these people have a lot more invested in their marriages. It's harder to turn you back on a 10 year old marriage with two children than on a 2 year old marriage with none.

I don't think anyone here can really tell you what you should do. A lot depends on whether deep inside you want to try to rebuild and whether you believe he does.

You might consider that if you try to make it work and he lets you down again you may be in a more difficult position to start over.

Or you might consider that given the 60% of men figure, a new relationship might be just as likely to fail.

Was he young when you got together? People often have affairs when they are trying to recapture part of their lives that they feel they've lost. If you understand why you might stand a better chance of making a good decision of whether or not it's truely out of his system.

Either way you'd probably get better advice from people you trust who know you both.

[kaba81]

Thanks Wingnut! It's such a difficult decision to make, so every bit of advice counts! Thanks for the good luck wishes!!

[kaba81]

Gosh Jake-the-peg, I wasn't aware of those figures! That is rather worrying, but at the end of the day, I suppose there is no point worrying if the other person is going to have an affair or not - if it's going to happen it will!
I appreciate your advice, this has been a long hard struggle & I'm sure I will get to my decision at some point!

[Hellion]

I'm sorry for your situation kaba81. I've known my husband 28 years been with him for 20 years (married 13 of them). The very foundation of our relationship is trust - it's that that allows him to go out with his mates, play in a band (women always hit on him even now!) and generally have freedom and the same goes for me too, we both agreed we would never have an affair because the trust would disappear and our day to day lives would never be the same eg. I would always have doubts when he went of to play a gig and didn't get home until 2am.
I can only imagine, but I'm sure you must feel that you can no longer trust him and if this is the case you need to ask if you can truly forgive him or can you ever trust him again. If the answer is no then you will be hard put to repair your marriage and, hard though it may be, a fresh start with some one who respects you enough not to betray you is the only option.
Hug to you and good luck X.

[spangle111]

Hi kaba, I really feel that once the trust has gone there's no point in prolonging the agony - and lets face it love, you deserve better!

[atolhurst]

My partner and I have had the conversation about cheating and both agreed (as hellion did) that if either of us did that, there'd be no going back. However, I do know people who have had affairs and have been found out and have managed to stay together. I think if you both think you can and want to get past it, then it's probably possible.

I personally couldn't move away from the thought (and I'm sorry if I'm spelling thing you've already though of) that he thought little enough of you and/or your relationship, to to go off with someone else. And this is an affair - not even a drunken fling (not that I'd forgive that either).

There's also the fact that I wouldn't be able to stop throwing it into every argument we ever had after that, if we did stay together "HIM:I can't believe you did that. ME: Well I can;'t believe you had an affair". It's an ace card that'll win pretty much every agrument (unless you've had an affair to, which'll put you on an even) but the dynamic of the relationship'll never be the same again.

[maxximus]

don't know how old you are or if you have any kids. if your younger (20-35) and you don't have kids. trust is trust and yours is shot to hell. i am a man but there's no defending him, life is short, he had his chance and your health and happiness is all that you should be concerned with. move on my dear you have a lot of living to do. good luck!

[Madgirl2]

I'm so sorry for your predicament. My husband had an affair several years ago and we divorced over it. However, I was only 25 at the time and had no kids. Personally, the trust was gone and despite his assurances it would never happen again, I'm afraid that I would always have been filled with doubt as to where he was at any given time. Ending my marriage was a very hard thing to do because I loved him and it hurt so much. I thought I'd never get over it. But I did and I have actually gone on to achieve great things in my life which I would never have done otherwise. I have also met someone else who has restored my faith in men (although it took me 7 years to meet him). If you feel your marriage is worth fighting for then you should follow your heart. However, you must make it clear he has 1 more chance and MEAN IT!!!!! If you forgive him time and time again, you are consenting to and allowing his infidelity.

I wish you the best of luck through this difficult time.