Crosswords3 mins ago
I`m fed up.
Anyone know any good jokes?
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this woman was having an operation when she had a near death expierence upon arriving at the pearly gates she said to god 'its not my time yet is it im only 40?' he looked at her and replied 'no its not your time yet you will live until you are 87' upon recovering from the operation she decided as she had a few years left she would have a boob job,liposuction fuller lips and to top it off dye her hair blonde.....a week later she was in town when she was knocked over by a bus and killed......upon arriving in heaven she confronted god 'hey you said i would live until i was 87 why didnt you save me from that bus?'she demanded to know god looked at her 'i would have done'he replies.......'but i didnt recognise you'...
It was postman's pat last day on the job after 35 years of delivering mail in the same villages.When he arrived at the first house he was greeted by the whole family who hugged him and congratulated him and gave him a cheque for �50.At the second house they gave him a gold watch the third house gave hima bottle of whiskey and the fourth he was met at the door by a dumb blonde .She took him to her bed room and blew his mind with the most passioniate love evert then she made him a full breakfast bacon egg tomatoes sausage the lot As she was pouring him a cup of coffee he noticed a �5 note sticking out from under the cup."All this is too wonderful for words "he said"but what's the �5 for""well "said the dunb blonde"last night I told my husband it would be your last day and we should do something special for you so I asked him what to give you "and he said"F*CK him give him a fiver"she smiled shyly and said"the breakfast was my idea.
An Englishman goes into a chemist in France to buy some condoms. 'Certainly Monsieur,' says the chemist. 'We have three different packs - the French pack with 6 condoms - thats for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday but no sex on a Sunday. The Italian pack of 9 condoms - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on Saturday and twice on Sunday. Then we have the English pack of 12 condoms....'
'Tell me about that, ' says the Englishman, now filling with pride...
'Certainly monsieur.... January, February, March.....
'Tell me about that, ' says the Englishman, now filling with pride...
'Certainly monsieur.... January, February, March.....
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him.She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name WENDY tatooed on his p3nis.When it was erect it said WENDY and when it was limp it sad WY They got married and went to a nude beach in Jamacia.Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also had a WY on his p3nis.He said"oh you must have a wife named wendy too"and the waiter said "no mine says Welcome to Jamacia man have a nice day"
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Little Johnny was playing with his train set in the sitting room and his mother was in the kitchen washing the dishes. As John was playing she could hear her son saying "come on all you @rseholes get off the f***ing train we've got a schedule to keep. All right all you cokc suckers get on the train and sit the f*** down we're departing in two minutes." When Johns mother hears this she went inand told him to go to his bedroom and he wasnt allowed out for 2 hours to think about what he had done wrong. 2 hours later Johns mother came into his bedroom and told him if he could play nice he was allowed to play with his trainset again. So John when back outside to play with his train "OK all you nice people please hurry off the train we have to leave on time, thank you. All right all you wonderful passengers please get on the train we will be departing in 2 minutes, thank you. And all you people in back complaining about the 2 hour delay see the fat b1tch in the kitchen!"
a duck goes into a bar and says to the barman have you got any grapes please
barman to duck no we hav'nt this is a pub
so the duck walks out next night the duck came back and said have you got any grapes please ,
barman NO we hav;nt its a pub I told you now get out,
The next night the duck went back and said have you got any grapes please, The barman now very annoyed said we dont sell grapes its a pub and if you come back and ask again Ill get an hammer and nails and nail your feet to the floor NOW GET OUT,the duck went but came back next night and said to the barman have you got an hammer and nails and the barman said no I hav'nt, so the duck said have you got any grapes then.
barman to duck no we hav'nt this is a pub
so the duck walks out next night the duck came back and said have you got any grapes please ,
barman NO we hav;nt its a pub I told you now get out,
The next night the duck went back and said have you got any grapes please, The barman now very annoyed said we dont sell grapes its a pub and if you come back and ask again Ill get an hammer and nails and nail your feet to the floor NOW GET OUT,the duck went but came back next night and said to the barman have you got an hammer and nails and the barman said no I hav'nt, so the duck said have you got any grapes then.
A rabbit goes into the job centre and says "Any jobs for rabbits", the job centre man says, " dont be silly we dont have jobs for rabbits, go away and dont come back". The next day the rabbit goes into the job centre and says the same thing "Any jobs for rabbits". No says the job centre man, go away and dont come back again. The next day a film producer goes into the job centre and asks the man if he has any rabbits because he is making a sequel to Watership Down. The job centre man says "I have just the rabbit". So now when the rabiit comes into the job centre and says "Any jobs for rabbits" the job centre man tells him of the film producer wanting a rabbit to appear in his film. The rabbit is annoyed and says, "Thats no bl**dy good I'm an electrician.
when little johnnys mam asks what did you do at school today he replies" maths, history, english then i had sex with the teacher" she's horrified and wallops his bottom and chases him to bed telling him that his father will deal with him when he gets home.
so johnny's old man comes home and is confronted by mother in hysterics about his son's dirty, filthy shenanigans and he is told to go upstairs and give the filthy little boy a piece of his mind. so he goes upstairs and closes the door and says in hushed tones "well done my son, get in there you beauty, my boy is now a man. but listen son this is mens buisness so its probably best if you dont discuss this with mother." he puts a proud arm around johnny's shoulder and says"if youv'e got any questions i'll be proud to give you advice. johnny looks up and says "just one thing dad"
"when will my @rse stop bleeding"
so johnny's old man comes home and is confronted by mother in hysterics about his son's dirty, filthy shenanigans and he is told to go upstairs and give the filthy little boy a piece of his mind. so he goes upstairs and closes the door and says in hushed tones "well done my son, get in there you beauty, my boy is now a man. but listen son this is mens buisness so its probably best if you dont discuss this with mother." he puts a proud arm around johnny's shoulder and says"if youv'e got any questions i'll be proud to give you advice. johnny looks up and says "just one thing dad"
"when will my @rse stop bleeding"
Two Staffordshire men are approaching one another on a quiet country lane. One of them has a burlap bag slung over his shoulder. "Hey, mate, wots in the bag?' yells one of them. "I've got me some rabbits in this here bag.", replies the other. "Well, if I can guess how many rabbits you got can I have half of them?" challenges the other bloke. "If you can guess exactly how many rabbits I got in this here bag you can have all four of 'em." is the response..........After a while the other chappy yells out "Three!"
