Staying with his dad

[helliebobs]

My son is 8 months old and I split from his dad when I was 8 months pregnant. I moved back in with my parents and my husband now lives with his. He sees his son once, maybe twice a week but he's never had him for more than an afternoon but we've now started to discuss him staying over for a night to give me a break. I have no problems with this, in fact it was my idea and I would've done it ages ago but we have slowly built this up (he went from seeing his son for a couple of hours to half a day then to taking him out for a full day). My mum and several other people have said that they think my son's too young for it, but I want him to get used to it as early as possible because I don't want him to get to 1 and for him to be unsettled with his dad. Contact is minimal as it is, so I want to encourage his relationship with that side of his family.
Seeing as my husband has never been around for any real length of time, I'm going to have to literally spell out our son's daily routine for him, which is no problem but what else can I do to make this as easy as possible and minimise the chances of disrupting my son? I would like to then be able to do it on a regular basis so that my husband can bond with his son and I can have some much needed time to myself.
I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions?

[ethanryan]

hi, how about asking your partner to stay at your house for one night, seperate rooms but then you can be there to guide him on your sons needs. show him how you do things. im sure it will be fine, give his dad the chance to prove himself, remember he can always ring you if he gets stuck. i dont believe your son is too young, the earlier the better i think

[yes-doc]

Don't worry that's the first help i can offer. My son was about 7 months when he stayed over night at his grandparents for the first time. I don't think it makes any difference if your with your husband or not, your son only knows the world your bringing him up in, he has no other experience to draw upon so he'll love all the attention. I agree totally with your thoughts that the earlier you start this sort of thing the easier it will be. My son is growing up fast and now at primary school. He doesn't see his grandparents all that much, but asks all the time if he can have a sleep over. Childre have a way of letting you know what they want, your husband will work it out and in turn the mixtakes he makes will teach him what to do. So be happy with your decision and I don't think there is anything you can do other than you have said, etc, maybe, that you are only at the end of the phone if need be and you would like to say good night to him if you want to.

Hope this helps

[helliebobs]

That would be a good idea but it's not really possible for him to stay here partly because there isn't room, partly because he wouldn't feel comfortable given that my mother can barely look at him without spitting but we have discussed him ringing me if he has any questions or problems, not that I envisage there will be.
I'm sure my husband will be fine but I suppose it's only natural to worry. I've had one night away from my son and that was when he was 3 days old and we were still in hospital.

[ethanryan]

just show him that you can truat him, if you do this he wont feel so bad about asking for any help or advice. im sure things will be fine. my son was 3 months when he stayed with my mom for the first time, it was hard but the time apart will do you both good.

[ruby27]

Can not give you much advice other than has been offered.

But, I just wanted to say I think you are an inspiration to parents who separate. So many seem to loose sight of their child amongst the adult problems, sadly all to often the child's contact becomes a weapon. I think it is just wonderful that you are trying to promote the relationship between your son and his father. Hope I haven't sounded patronising, but its just so warming to be reminded how well people can promote the child's well being.

[helliebobs]

Thanks for all the advice, I know my son will be absolutely fine with his dad I think my husband is the one who is more concerned because he has never had to do any of this until now. Things aren't always amicable between us but I want him to be a good dad and I know he wants to be a good dad. I also want him to see what I do on a daily basis because up until now I don't think he quite realises any of that.
Thanks Legend, it means a lot you know :)

[helliebobs]

Thank you ruby, I don't know what to say to that, I don't see myself as inspirational or brave really, I just do what I have to do. I want things to be as easy for my son as possbile but it's not always easy for me - believe me I have some entirely selfish reasons for this as well!

[helliebobs]

Generally I agree Legend, but my husband actually gets a good deal considering what a **** he is. He sees his son when he wants and more or less when it suits him, the rest of the time he is free to go out and do what he pleases, including shagging his new 17 year old girlfriend, he doesn't have the CSA chasing him, he doesn't have me cutting up all his clothes, he doesn't get the bill for the therapy sessions, he doesn't have toget up with his son at 3am, 4am and 5am - I'd say he has a good deal!
I know that's not always the case though :)

[helliebobs]

No no at all Legend :)

[helliebobs]

No rubbish Legend, it was all useful! And I was trying hard not to resort to ranting bitterly anyway :)

[Pippa68]

My children have always stayed overnight with their dad ~ admittedly the youngest was 2 years old, so not as young as your little one but it is still hard not to worry!

I would say that as you have no real concerns about his dad's parenting skills the only thing you need to do is be open with his dad ~ make sure you are accessable for advice and don't make dad feel useless.

Routine is a sticky one. I actually came to the conclusion that having different routines in the two households meant that my children grew up learning that not everyone does things the same way ~ and it isn't a bad thing.

I know this is different for you as your son is so small and routine is important at this age..however I felt I should mention my view on this for thought later on :o)

Great job, hellie ~ your son will grow up knowing you did the very best for him...something so many mums lose sight of.

xx

[Reverandfunk]

Let him stop over with dad dont listen to the rubbish others tell you. Give u a break as well.

[Pippa68]

Oh yes ~ and you can tell the Doubting Thomas' that you are not only doing this to give yourself a break..you are doing it because your son needs quality time with his dad.

If you take what you as parents are getting from this out of the equation, everyone must see this arrangement can only be a good thing for your son :o)

[Goodsoulette]

Heloooo helliebobs. My boys both stayed with my mum over night before they were 8 months old. I breastfed too so that was main concern, so we practiced with bottles to make sure they would feed. 8 months old if fine. It may be a bit strabge for your baby but its probably a case of the younger the better, get them used to it.

[whiskeysheri]

Hey, lovely. I have nothing to add, but just wanted to say again that I think you do an amazing job with your amazing wee man. Love you both. x

[helliebobs]

Bloody hell I'm filling up here, thank you for all the advice chaps, it's appreciated and whisks, thanks chicklin, I'm getting him prepared for when he stays over with Aunty Clur!
Seriously, I'm getting quite emotional now, I don't think I've ever asked a proper question like this and now i'm a bit overwhelmed by the helpful responses :)
His dad came round today and was really good with him, he's getting better as a dad all the time and we've now arranged a date for him to stop over so I'm all giddy :)