Single/Separated for a Reason????

[stevie1time]

Let me start by saying...Hope yow all had a great crimbo and see the new year in with smiles and exceptional aspirations ;) .....Right,not so much a question but a personal view! Honest replies and criticisms appreciated..So!!! Obviously i am single,have been for nearly two years now,it has its ups and it has its downs..(this is awkward to word) right,i know why i am single,i know what caused my relationship with the mother of my kids to fail,i know it was my fault and i know that my actions and attitude(at that particular time) has made me the single/separated person i am today...Now is it wrong that i see this in anyone that i meet or consider maybe dating...I think to myself,why are they single,or why are they divorced,at one point in their lives,as in my own,someone didnt want them or cheated on them or maybe even they cheated,or someone divorced them,basically something was wrong with them or in their lives that has made them single...just like i know why i am?? Now i am not a negative person at all,the opposite in fact,,but what do you think folks?? am i wrong and being selfish or am i just over cautious to my next step?? P.S if this is dont make sense,then one understands XXXX

[Petal~flower]

had to read that one twice stevie!

I am single too, and often wonder why other people are also single (did I read your thread right?) And I wonder if people wonder that about me too.

And I often wonder too, (sorry for over use of the word wonder!) what is it about me, that makes me single again after being in a long term relationship. Was it my fault? etc

I think us singletons all go through this Stevie. And I am maybe like you, very cautious of getting in a relationship again.

Did this help? lol

[Ice.Maiden]

Hi there Petal and Stevie. I think most people've had at least one relationship that's gone wrong - for whatever reasons. It makes a lot of people cautious about entering into another meaningful one. Basing my reply on people that I know well, some've gone into marriage or relationships too quickly, or before they've really got to know the other person properly. With others, it's been a sexual thing, which, once died down, has left folk with nothing much in common. I think that good communication's vital for any partnership, so that you both know what to expect once you make a full committment.

[pastafreak]

What you describe ,stevie, is 'baggage'-a good word to describe past history and all that goes with it. We all have it-but those of us who have been hurt-or have hurt someone-seem to have more. It is what makes us what and who we are NOW---and ,in most cases, nothing to apologise for. I too have been single for 2+ years after 23+years with 1 person, and a short but sweet period with the love of my life soulmate....do i trust anyone?? not particularly...but that is probably part of the hurting/grieving process that we all need to go thru. i am hopefull it will pass. Good luck to you,luv...time will heal x

[Petal~flower]

hi there Ice Maiden... I have been married, and had one long term relationship since then (3 yrs together) but I find now, being single, that for one, I cant see myself finding anyone, probably because I dont make any effort, as you know I have the children living with me, plus working, I dont get much time. And I am not the sort of person who wants just one night stands etc. Never had one, and never wish to either.

I dont know if Stevie has children, or what his personal circumstances are, but can understand where he is coming from.

Its not fun being single in your 40's. Never envisiaged I would be in this situation

[Ice.Maiden]

Hello again Petal - yes, I can see where you're coming from. It IS made all the harder to meet new people when you have young children who must come first, and I don't blame you for not being into one night stands. I believe there are some genuine penfriend/dating sites on the internet, whereby you can "get to know someone" through excahnge of emails, etc., because a friend of mine married someone she met last year, in this way, and like you, she has children from a previous relationship. I sincerely hope that you, Stevie - and anyone else in your positions find a decent person in the future, if that's what you'd really like - xx.

[EngTeach]

Like petal, I never imagined I would be single heading into my 40's. I have had some relationships in past, never married, nor lived-in either, but long-term, committed (or so I thought).

I wonder what "making the effort " is? I just live my life, work, see friends, work on my house, etc. Most of my friends are married, so the bar-scene with them is out, and quite frankly, I am a little old for that anyway. Did that in my 20's and early 30's and never met anyone that way anyway.

Yeah- we all have baggage. Who doesn't? (My 2 best friends who married the first guy they dated say they have no baggage. I beg to differ, but that's another post :) ) it would be impossible to reach my age without any.

I guess I am not helping Stevie, but am somewhat relieved to see others with the same thoughts.

[Petal~flower]

pasta, think you have summed it up.

Also think, once you are past the grieving period, and find yourself again.. then you are ready to move on.

[China Doll]

I think there's not anyone out there I'm that interested in.

I also think that you can overthink things too.

[tiggerblue10]

I won't go into the details of my relationship history as it is pretty grim but i think I know what you are talking about Stevie.

I often wonder if there is anything wrong with me as I can never attract decent men. I seem to get caught up with the wrong guys. No one seems to want a proper relationship with me which is why I question my own being. I have often during times of depression thought to myself why am I bothering with my life if no one wants me. I am the wrong side of 35 and I want children. Will I ever have any? Who knows.

Oh great! I'm all depressed now!!!

[Ice.Maiden]

Yes, Petal & Pasta - you've got it in one. It's all about getting over the grieving period, and then moving on. Some people never manage to do that though, as insecurity can creep in, or a person can just get stuck in the past. I haven't been through this experience, but talk to plenty who have. I've seen people whose confidence is at rock bottom, even a few years after a split, so I think it's important to surround yourself with friends and family who may be able to help.

[pastafreak]

Hello,ice and petal...nice to see you both here. You are right about making the effort...i know i can't be bothered...bars,clubs...at MY age?? it doesn't bear thinking about. I am a very intense ,emotional person...and would be impatient to be settled....which doesn't happen overnight. So-I don't bother...can't win ,I know. Deliberate 'hunting' never was my thing-it will just have to 'happen'. But good luck to stevie, I am old fashioned in thinking it is still easier for a man.

[Petal~flower]

Ice, I honestly think I am scared of getting involved with someone, in case I get hurt again. which I know is a stupid way to view things, but thats how it is with me.

Hi EngTeach, I can totally see what you mean. I live my life too. And all my friends are married. My social life is nil to be honest. As your married mates, are happy with their own lives

China, are you single too?

[China Doll]

Yep, have been for a couple of years now but it's just not something I worry about any more.

[pastafreak]

Oh tigger-I want to give you a hug,luv!!! (((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))

[Petal~flower]

hi tigger, aw dont go and get all depressed. Think there are a lot more of us singletons and no knowing how to meet anyone, that people realise.

Its not like all those dating ads with the happy couples is it?

In a way, by Stevies post, its comforting in a way to know we are not all alone huh.

Hiya Pasta. yes I do think its easier for men

[EngTeach]

Hi to All,

Do you ever wonder if people (even close friends/family) secretly wonder what's wrong with you?

It has been so long since I have had a relationship that newer friends and friends of friends assume I am gay. I really don't care about that, but wouldn't want potential match-makers to write me off b/c of it.

It really is frustrating at times. I am always the "odd" number at dinner and am excluded from gatherings b/c it's couples night.

Great- i too am now a little down!!!!

[tiggerblue10]

Awwwww thanks Pasta. I need one now xxx

[China Doll]

Oh for goodness sake... does it really matter that much whether you're single or not?

[Petal~flower]

I think a group hug is needed here. Not sure how to do it. But here is my poor effort (((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))) xxxxxxxxxx

[pastafreak]

Maybe AB needs a separate topic just for us -we can cry on each other's shoulders......or gain strength from each other.