ChatterBank3 mins ago
Taking on my partners children
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My partner has 3 kids from his prev marriage � 18, 12 & 10. The 2 youngest live at home with their Mum. She works part time in a pub. A lot of the time the kids will come home from school to an empty house. Mum turns up just after 6pm. The nights we have them, she doesn't come home at all & goes straight out to see her "man". The children are left alone until 7pm!! Ive dropped the children home some nights, to find that Mum wa still out. I wont leave the children on their own incase something happens to them but she told her son "just go in the house and lock the door behind you"!! Due to her "not bothered" approach to their safety or their health, my partner is now talking about going for custody. We've just bought a 3bed house & we have a 1yr old of our own. When his kids stay over they are in the same room in bunk beds so space is limited. My partner has recently mentioned about trying to get his share of his old property from her. As I can appreciate his ex does not want to let her house go just yet!! The mortgage on their property was paid in full several years ago. Im a little apprehensive about the possibility of his children living with us as this was not what I expected when we got together. They are great kids but basically Ive no say in the matter. I have to think about what he has given up to be with me � so do I "owe" him?? The latest part of his idea is that if she is not willing to buy him out then he wants to tell her that he will buy her out � this means we would move into their old home & she moves into ours, or finds somewhere else. Is it me or am I being unreasonable for telling him that there is no way I would feel comfortable doing this?? I just can't seem to explain myself to him as all he sees his BLACK and WHITE. I don't have the life experience to go from a Mum to a 1 yr old toddler to a Mum of 3 (both near to teenage years). I thought you were supposed to learn parenting as your children grew up!!
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It's easy to come into here and say what we would do or what we think YOU should do but I'm one for looking at the obvious. so First you don't owe him ANYTHING.. it is alot to expect from someone who was not aware of this in the beginning, and granted it is a bloody lot.. BUT...... you did know he had children and wether it be now or later, the children are a major part of his life. Yes, it's very daunting and you do have alot to deal with as well as looking after your own. I would personally sit down and explain how I feel and if this relationship was meant to be and is strong enough then you will both as Adults come up with a soloution wether it be together or apart.. Hope it helps and I wish you luck..
I've been in this situation myself
I took on 3 children - never, in a million years, would I do it again.
It will be the toughest thing you ever do so you need to be prepared
But Stormrush is right you owe him nothing and it appears he is not prepared to listen to you about it anyway
You are not being unreasonable at all
I took on 3 children - never, in a million years, would I do it again.
It will be the toughest thing you ever do so you need to be prepared
But Stormrush is right you owe him nothing and it appears he is not prepared to listen to you about it anyway
You are not being unreasonable at all
Thanks for your quick responses ... at the moment all this is just talk but the thought of it is very daunting. Im praying it doesnt happen, how awful does that make me sound, but you just never know.
PINK KITTEN : what happened with you. Was it really that bad?? Does your partner have other children too?? As I said, they are good kids and their Dad has told me how much they love coming to stay with us and how "gentle" I am with them so it might not be as bad as I think it could ...
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I think Im going to end up needing councilling!
PINK KITTEN : what happened with you. Was it really that bad?? Does your partner have other children too?? As I said, they are good kids and their Dad has told me how much they love coming to stay with us and how "gentle" I am with them so it might not be as bad as I think it could ...
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I think Im going to end up needing councilling!
First of all, you absolutely DO have a say in these proceedings.
Taking more children to live with you is a massive step, and not something you signed up for when you got together with your partner.
You should feel comfortable in discussing your feelings with him, and if you donp;t, then this is a sign that this will nbot be a good move for anyone involved.
I understand your urge to give the children a secure and safe home, what mum wouldn;t want to do that - but you have to step back and remember that they are not your reponsibility, and it sounds as though your partner's ex would be delighted if they could become so.
Raising children that are not bologically your own is tough - I've done it, so I know - and you have to be absolutely sure that you and your partner are a strong unit, or the children will simply play you off against each other.
I suggeset you and your partner try some sessions with Relate, which wil enable you to clear away some of the emotional fog that is clouding the issues at the moment.
Even if you sort it out withour professional help, you must be very very sure it is what you want, and not just go along becuase you feel it is the right thing to do.
No-one is going to stand there with a gold medal because you 'did the right thing'.
This is real life - yours and your baby's, as well as your partner and children. You must be happy with what you decide - and if you have doubts -as yo do, hence posting, then you need to resolve them first.
Good luck - keep us advised.
Taking more children to live with you is a massive step, and not something you signed up for when you got together with your partner.
You should feel comfortable in discussing your feelings with him, and if you donp;t, then this is a sign that this will nbot be a good move for anyone involved.
I understand your urge to give the children a secure and safe home, what mum wouldn;t want to do that - but you have to step back and remember that they are not your reponsibility, and it sounds as though your partner's ex would be delighted if they could become so.
Raising children that are not bologically your own is tough - I've done it, so I know - and you have to be absolutely sure that you and your partner are a strong unit, or the children will simply play you off against each other.
I suggeset you and your partner try some sessions with Relate, which wil enable you to clear away some of the emotional fog that is clouding the issues at the moment.
Even if you sort it out withour professional help, you must be very very sure it is what you want, and not just go along becuase you feel it is the right thing to do.
No-one is going to stand there with a gold medal because you 'did the right thing'.
This is real life - yours and your baby's, as well as your partner and children. You must be happy with what you decide - and if you have doubts -as yo do, hence posting, then you need to resolve them first.
Good luck - keep us advised.
-- answer removed --
OK, last bit first -
it is tough simply because your partner has to adjust to another adult disciplining his children, as well as sharing them on a daily basis, and not all parents adjust to this.
My wife was wonderful - a fantastic role model for me, who knew nothing about children - she backed me up in front of them, even if she thought i was wrong, and then discussed issues out of their hearing.
I had no problems with their 'dad', he was absent throughout, but you may have issues with their mum about your methods and so on - you must take all this into account.
Raising children is hard full-stop - I have our two step-daughters (I ignore the first bit!) and one 'biological' daughter, and I love them al equally, but it is hard to be the right kind of parent, and you have got to have 100% support from your other half ...
it is tough simply because your partner has to adjust to another adult disciplining his children, as well as sharing them on a daily basis, and not all parents adjust to this.
My wife was wonderful - a fantastic role model for me, who knew nothing about children - she backed me up in front of them, even if she thought i was wrong, and then discussed issues out of their hearing.
I had no problems with their 'dad', he was absent throughout, but you may have issues with their mum about your methods and so on - you must take all this into account.
Raising children is hard full-stop - I have our two step-daughters (I ignore the first bit!) and one 'biological' daughter, and I love them al equally, but it is hard to be the right kind of parent, and you have got to have 100% support from your other half ...
... which brings me to the first point -
the vibe I am getting from yuour psts is that you are keen not to upset anyone, which is admirable, as long as it doesn;t lead you into wrong decisions, which will have exactly that effect, and make you miserable into the bargain.
OK, let's simplifiy this -
suggest to your partner that you are having difficulty with the issues raised by the proposal of his chiuldren moving in, and you;d like him to go to Relate with you, so you can get some unbiased professional advice to help you reach an informed decision.
If he refuses - and I strongly suspect he will - then that's your decision made.
If your partner does not understand and help with your issues at this early stage, then it is just not going to work, and you will need to think carefully about where your relationship is going.
You sound like a really kind and caring person, but there are no medals for 'doing the right thing' if it makes you unhappy - because you put other people nbefore yourself, especially if they seem disinclined to do the same.
the vibe I am getting from yuour psts is that you are keen not to upset anyone, which is admirable, as long as it doesn;t lead you into wrong decisions, which will have exactly that effect, and make you miserable into the bargain.
OK, let's simplifiy this -
suggest to your partner that you are having difficulty with the issues raised by the proposal of his chiuldren moving in, and you;d like him to go to Relate with you, so you can get some unbiased professional advice to help you reach an informed decision.
If he refuses - and I strongly suspect he will - then that's your decision made.
If your partner does not understand and help with your issues at this early stage, then it is just not going to work, and you will need to think carefully about where your relationship is going.
You sound like a really kind and caring person, but there are no medals for 'doing the right thing' if it makes you unhappy - because you put other people nbefore yourself, especially if they seem disinclined to do the same.
Thanks ANDY ... sounds like your situation could be mine in the future. I know it will be hard to adjust but I just want my partner to be happy. His children are his life, especially his 12 yr old son, so when he moved out to be with me I knew it was something he found difficult. Regards their Mother ... she really does not care how her kids are raised otherwise she wouldnt act the way she does. The only reaction Ive seen from her was when my partner mentioned wanting custody of the children!!!
I just hope it all works out for everyone concerned - it might be an idea to go and speak to a professional before all this happens but when my partner is already telling his son that he can come and live with us, if he wants, then how can you back track on that --- see : decision made without even talking it through with me. Though my partner has said that if it did come down to them moving in then we would talk it through but you cant really say anything against him when he has already told his son that "its not a problem". I look like the witch then .......
I NEED A DRINK!!
I just hope it all works out for everyone concerned - it might be an idea to go and speak to a professional before all this happens but when my partner is already telling his son that he can come and live with us, if he wants, then how can you back track on that --- see : decision made without even talking it through with me. Though my partner has said that if it did come down to them moving in then we would talk it through but you cant really say anything against him when he has already told his son that "its not a problem". I look like the witch then .......
I NEED A DRINK!!
tgm: sorry for the slow reply, I had to go out
years ago now (98) I took on 3 boys who had been led to believe I was the reason their parents marriage had broken up. No matter what their dad told them, they would not believe I wasn't the reason. Their mother did not want them and after many tooing and froing within the court system where she used them as weapons, she finally gave up all rights. They then moved in with us (me, my daughter and their dad) I welcomed them with open arms, I had cared for them all at weekends and during the week day visits. They had often been rude and insolent during these visits but their dad dealt with it.
After they moved in it became even worse.
Of course, it may work out for you, but from personal experience never would I do it again.
Luckily I found a wonderful new man who had no children :) and we now have one of our own.
I know that many families now are made up of step and half brothers and sisters, but generally speaking the step children live with mum and that's what the new wife will think is always going to be the arrangement.
If you are not happy taking on these extra children, then you must say or you will be the unhappy one. It is one thing to have step children at weekends, another completely to have them full-time
years ago now (98) I took on 3 boys who had been led to believe I was the reason their parents marriage had broken up. No matter what their dad told them, they would not believe I wasn't the reason. Their mother did not want them and after many tooing and froing within the court system where she used them as weapons, she finally gave up all rights. They then moved in with us (me, my daughter and their dad) I welcomed them with open arms, I had cared for them all at weekends and during the week day visits. They had often been rude and insolent during these visits but their dad dealt with it.
After they moved in it became even worse.
Of course, it may work out for you, but from personal experience never would I do it again.
Luckily I found a wonderful new man who had no children :) and we now have one of our own.
I know that many families now are made up of step and half brothers and sisters, but generally speaking the step children live with mum and that's what the new wife will think is always going to be the arrangement.
If you are not happy taking on these extra children, then you must say or you will be the unhappy one. It is one thing to have step children at weekends, another completely to have them full-time
OK, thisd apperars to be going exactly how I feared.
I totally understand your desire to make your partner happy - that's part of loving them.
Making them hapy at the expense of your own - and your child's happiness - that's simply going to make everyone miserable - and that will defeeat ytour inention to make him happy.
I have bad vibes about the fact that he is telling his children they can move in as thought it is a done deal - with you not being consulted - it suggests that he is a selfish person and i see problems ahead - and not very far ahead either.
I urge you to get some advice - together - before you go any further, and I repeat, if he will not go with you, that should ring some alarm bells with you.
Please don;t be so keen to make everyone happy that you simply ignore the danger signs - and they are there - believing that 'it will all turn out alright ...' because that's how fairy tales end.
This is not a fairy tale - it's your life.
Hope this helps.
I totally understand your desire to make your partner happy - that's part of loving them.
Making them hapy at the expense of your own - and your child's happiness - that's simply going to make everyone miserable - and that will defeeat ytour inention to make him happy.
I have bad vibes about the fact that he is telling his children they can move in as thought it is a done deal - with you not being consulted - it suggests that he is a selfish person and i see problems ahead - and not very far ahead either.
I urge you to get some advice - together - before you go any further, and I repeat, if he will not go with you, that should ring some alarm bells with you.
Please don;t be so keen to make everyone happy that you simply ignore the danger signs - and they are there - believing that 'it will all turn out alright ...' because that's how fairy tales end.
This is not a fairy tale - it's your life.
Hope this helps.
I dont think he was necessarily being selfish when he told his son that moving in wouldn't be a problem, he just wasn't thinking straight.
It must be difficult for him to see his children unhappy - he obviously loves them very much, just he loves your child the same. It would have been hard for him to look his child in the face and tell him that he couldn't live him and you.
I understand that you have been supportive so far, so maybe he feels that you are both on the same page and he didn't necessarily have to speak to you first.
If you are not happy about the situation, you need to speak to him about it now - you could end up making the situation worse, if you say yes but don't really feel committed to it. That isn't fair to anybody particularly the children involved.
I certainly would get to the point of changing houses on any kind of permanent basis yet. I can also see why you dont want to move into his former marital home and he should understand that at least!
Would it be possible to try swapping it so you have them in the week and go to Mum at weekends for a while?
The thing is that you will be living in more cramped conditions which will probably make you all get on each others nerves more, so it will be difficult to tell if it would work with more space.
Anyway - you need to speak to him, but not in a confrontational way. Think in your head how you woul feel if your child was in the same situation and how you would feel.
It must be difficult for him to see his children unhappy - he obviously loves them very much, just he loves your child the same. It would have been hard for him to look his child in the face and tell him that he couldn't live him and you.
I understand that you have been supportive so far, so maybe he feels that you are both on the same page and he didn't necessarily have to speak to you first.
If you are not happy about the situation, you need to speak to him about it now - you could end up making the situation worse, if you say yes but don't really feel committed to it. That isn't fair to anybody particularly the children involved.
I certainly would get to the point of changing houses on any kind of permanent basis yet. I can also see why you dont want to move into his former marital home and he should understand that at least!
Would it be possible to try swapping it so you have them in the week and go to Mum at weekends for a while?
The thing is that you will be living in more cramped conditions which will probably make you all get on each others nerves more, so it will be difficult to tell if it would work with more space.
Anyway - you need to speak to him, but not in a confrontational way. Think in your head how you woul feel if your child was in the same situation and how you would feel.
Hi again everyone
I went home and broached the subject, to a point last night. I told my partner that I didnt want him to think bad of me for feeling uncomfortable about what could happen. I also mentioned that i was worried that if we did take the children on would they one day say to me "your not my Mum so you cant tell me what to do". His response was that if we had the kids live with us and they said something like that then he would tell them to pack their bags and would send them back to their Mum .... at least this shows he is 100% with me.
Appreciate everyones comments and should the situation get to the point Im dreading then counselling sounds like a good plan - just so we can get an impartial view. I can understand why he would tell his son that there would be no problem him moving in if he wanted, before he said anything to me, as this was probably just an ad-hoc situation. Could I really have expected him to say "well Id have to speak with Jen first before we decided if you could move in"!!
I will keep you all updated if this progresses and thanks again for all your advice ... I love this place as its refreshing to know that Im not going mental with my feelings.
Have a good christmas everyone and stop flirting with ANDY - LOL!!
I went home and broached the subject, to a point last night. I told my partner that I didnt want him to think bad of me for feeling uncomfortable about what could happen. I also mentioned that i was worried that if we did take the children on would they one day say to me "your not my Mum so you cant tell me what to do". His response was that if we had the kids live with us and they said something like that then he would tell them to pack their bags and would send them back to their Mum .... at least this shows he is 100% with me.
Appreciate everyones comments and should the situation get to the point Im dreading then counselling sounds like a good plan - just so we can get an impartial view. I can understand why he would tell his son that there would be no problem him moving in if he wanted, before he said anything to me, as this was probably just an ad-hoc situation. Could I really have expected him to say "well Id have to speak with Jen first before we decided if you could move in"!!
I will keep you all updated if this progresses and thanks again for all your advice ... I love this place as its refreshing to know that Im not going mental with my feelings.
Have a good christmas everyone and stop flirting with ANDY - LOL!!
I'm glad you seem to be moving towards a solution.
I think a 'third party' view will be good for both of you - it's easy to get caught up in the meotion of it all.
The 'you're not my mum / dad' statement will come up - because teenagers use any weapon to hit you with, so don't take it personally.
When my eldest daughter (I have no truck with 'step children - what does that mean???) advised me during a row that I was not her dad, I confirmed that i wasn't, but it was my house, so she could shift her body out of it forthwith, and return with an apology when she was ready, and I woulc consider our position. She slammed out of the house, returened about two minutes later in tears, apology ... hug ...(always be ready to make up no matter how hateful they can be!) and on we went, and it never happened again.
All part of the experience, but my three girls are now 33, 31 and 19, and I wouldn't change a thing about them as children, or as the wonderful women that they grew into.
Good luck - keep us updated.
A x
I think a 'third party' view will be good for both of you - it's easy to get caught up in the meotion of it all.
The 'you're not my mum / dad' statement will come up - because teenagers use any weapon to hit you with, so don't take it personally.
When my eldest daughter (I have no truck with 'step children - what does that mean???) advised me during a row that I was not her dad, I confirmed that i wasn't, but it was my house, so she could shift her body out of it forthwith, and return with an apology when she was ready, and I woulc consider our position. She slammed out of the house, returened about two minutes later in tears, apology ... hug ...(always be ready to make up no matter how hateful they can be!) and on we went, and it never happened again.
All part of the experience, but my three girls are now 33, 31 and 19, and I wouldn't change a thing about them as children, or as the wonderful women that they grew into.
Good luck - keep us updated.
A x
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