Religion & Spirituality - What...
ChatterBank0 min ago
My partner is a controller.
21 Answers
I have been in a relationship for 2 and a half years. Now we have bought a new house together even though I wanted to wait, I loved my old house. We agreed we'd wait 3 years to buy somewhere, but then he persuaded me to consider moving within 6 months. Then it was 'after new year', then it was before 'Christmas' . We eventually moved within 9 months. I had lived in that house for 24 years, but after he moved in he took over, completely redecorating, buying new furniture etc. He did ask my opinions, but he persuaded me otherwise if they weren't the same as his. The new house is beautiful, but we couldn't agree on anything - kitchen worktops, places to put furniture, pictures etc. In fact, all the pictures in the new house are all his old ones, mine were gradually got rid of, because they were tasteless. If I put something somewhere he moves it, saying it looks stupid there. We have been on two holidays, both where he decided to go and have another in the pipeline, where he wants to go. He watches tv all the time , and if I come over for a cuddle (not often nowadays) he will look past me or round me because he can't bear to miss any of the programme. Conversation is non existant when the tv is on.
He loses the temper when he's driving, and flashes angrily at someone who he thinks is wrong, not just once or twice, but he will flash his lights approximately 12 times at a driver. When I told him how that made me feel he tells me to let him deal with it, and I still haven't learned when to shut up. I have no say in anything domestic, I have just learned not to. I don't play music any more, I used to do that all the time. Partly it's because the tv is on all the time, partly it's because I have just forgotten that I used to do that. I cry a lot, and right now he's ignoring me, this is the 4th day now. Because I made a mistake when I agreed to drive us home one day. I have no self esteem left. I want to help him, he had a terrible childhood.
He loses the temper when he's driving, and flashes angrily at someone who he thinks is wrong, not just once or twice, but he will flash his lights approximately 12 times at a driver. When I told him how that made me feel he tells me to let him deal with it, and I still haven't learned when to shut up. I have no say in anything domestic, I have just learned not to. I don't play music any more, I used to do that all the time. Partly it's because the tv is on all the time, partly it's because I have just forgotten that I used to do that. I cry a lot, and right now he's ignoring me, this is the 4th day now. Because I made a mistake when I agreed to drive us home one day. I have no self esteem left. I want to help him, he had a terrible childhood.
Answers
Your partner may have had a terible childhood - but that does not escuse him becoming a terrible adult.
08:56 Wed 26th Jan 2011
If he bad a terrible childhood he should know how it feels to be sad and not want anyone else to feel the way he's making you feel. Communication is essential in any successful relationship and I think you need to engineer a situation ( nice meal at home perhaps) where you can talk and you can tell him, subtly, how you feel. If he's unwilling to do this, ask him why.
Thank you, I do need to talk to him, but it's difficult if he's avoiding me. I have to be very careful when I speak to him, as he does need help, I know what happened to him when he was young, and I want to tell him he needs counselling (he had some but assured me when we met that he had come to terms with things- he hasn't!). I know I have to make it sound as though I am not criticising him. But my sanity is well and truly at stake here. I resnt him for persuading me to leave my beloved house, and ultimately my independance and happiness, even though my life was simple. I liked who I was...
Your partner may have had a terible childhood - but that does not escuse him becoming a terrible adult.
this man obviously overcompensates for the powerlessness he felt as a child, and has become a control freak as a man.
because you are being submissive, you are facilitating this control aspect, to the point where you are like a broken weather house - he is permanently 'out' and you are permanently'in'.
You need to be aware that this situation is only going to get worse, as ummmm has said - the less you retain of your personality, the more he will take over because it fuels his need never to be 'controlled' again.
Frankly, as it stands, your relationship is not healthy. Yes your partner needs help, but you are not the persoln to provide it - you are not in the correct position, and you lack the necessary counselling skills. That is not a criticism, merely a fact.
Before you get to the sdtage where you are convinced you will not be able to live without him - a premise he will be delighted to encourage - you should seriously think about leaving him.
This relationship is destructive - and you are the one being destroyed.
If you feel able - and it appears doubtful from your post - you need to have a serious talk about the simbalances in your relationship. If you feel unable to tackle that, I seriously think you should look at moving out of your home to give you both time to assess what you want from your rleationship, and whether it has a healthy future, bcause it has an unhealthy past, and a deteriorating present.
Moving out may bseem drastic, but as things are, you are going to reach a stage where you have no self-belief left, and no-one, no matter how badly they have suffered as a child - is worth that.
this man obviously overcompensates for the powerlessness he felt as a child, and has become a control freak as a man.
because you are being submissive, you are facilitating this control aspect, to the point where you are like a broken weather house - he is permanently 'out' and you are permanently'in'.
You need to be aware that this situation is only going to get worse, as ummmm has said - the less you retain of your personality, the more he will take over because it fuels his need never to be 'controlled' again.
Frankly, as it stands, your relationship is not healthy. Yes your partner needs help, but you are not the persoln to provide it - you are not in the correct position, and you lack the necessary counselling skills. That is not a criticism, merely a fact.
Before you get to the sdtage where you are convinced you will not be able to live without him - a premise he will be delighted to encourage - you should seriously think about leaving him.
This relationship is destructive - and you are the one being destroyed.
If you feel able - and it appears doubtful from your post - you need to have a serious talk about the simbalances in your relationship. If you feel unable to tackle that, I seriously think you should look at moving out of your home to give you both time to assess what you want from your rleationship, and whether it has a healthy future, bcause it has an unhealthy past, and a deteriorating present.
Moving out may bseem drastic, but as things are, you are going to reach a stage where you have no self-belief left, and no-one, no matter how badly they have suffered as a child - is worth that.
The other posts - and your reply - came in while i was writing my response.
Having read them, i am more convinced than ever that this is wrong for you - and you need to see that while you can still think for yourself.
You are not responsible for this man's happiness - you did not cause his unhappiness, and his well-being cannot be bought at the expense of yours - that way, no-one is happy.
Having read them, i am more convinced than ever that this is wrong for you - and you need to see that while you can still think for yourself.
You are not responsible for this man's happiness - you did not cause his unhappiness, and his well-being cannot be bought at the expense of yours - that way, no-one is happy.
laughing at sqad - (and he's probably not joking....)
Agreeing totally with everyone else.
A lot of us could use incidences or experiences in our childhood as an excuse to be controlling or bullying - but thankfully, most of us don't.
I think you should get out now... it will get worse helen, believe me x
Agreeing totally with everyone else.
A lot of us could use incidences or experiences in our childhood as an excuse to be controlling or bullying - but thankfully, most of us don't.
I think you should get out now... it will get worse helen, believe me x
You do need to address this as soon as you can because of how you're feeling. If not you will resentment and sadness will get worse. I understand you wanting to help him, but you can't do that at the expense of your own life, he has to be willing to help himself too. If he is not willing to do that, I would say you need to put yourself first and not be with him. probably not what you want to hear, but as long as you are letting him behave this way, he will continue. I hope it goes well for you.
Andy, yes, I had come to these conclusions more or less, I agree with everything you have said. I will never be perfect enough for him even though he's the first one to admit his failings, but he doesn't seem to do anything about them. He can be very, very humble, but also very stubborn and now just plain cruel. I love him but I don't like him one little bit, and I have told him so, which he accepted! He's very intelligent but emotionally ignorant. Affection just doesn't happen there are too many walls around him, which he is aware of. I realise if he doesn't get help he will end up very lonely, he's too afraid to let anyone get close to him.
Well said Andy....and by moving out he will have no option to listen.
I couldn't put up with someone not talking to me for 4 days. My OH is an ignorer, but only when he knows he's wrong and he's putting off the apology.
The problem is you as well. You've let him do this to you. You let someone persuade you, in a very short space of time, to sell your house.
What would he do if you told him no...if you insisted that you want to put your own pictures up?
Are you scared of him?
I couldn't put up with someone not talking to me for 4 days. My OH is an ignorer, but only when he knows he's wrong and he's putting off the apology.
The problem is you as well. You've let him do this to you. You let someone persuade you, in a very short space of time, to sell your house.
What would he do if you told him no...if you insisted that you want to put your own pictures up?
Are you scared of him?
Ummm it's not that I'm scared of him, I'm scared of his reactions. He blows up instantly, although he's never ever laid a finger on me. Yet. I have made a stand before, and it resulted in an argument then the inevitable silence. Then it calmed down and was swept under the carpet, till the next time. I will talk to him and tell him how I feel, but the last time I wanted to talk ( at the beginning of this 4 days silence) he just walked out of the room and said he didn't want to talk to me. And every night when I get home he's either already in the spare bedroom or if I get home first he will come in after me and go striaght to bed (again, spare bedroom). Maybe tonight he will have calmed down enough to hear me out....I don't know any more.
That's still fear...and he's using it to control you just like some people use violence.
I would just walk into the bedroom and say...I'm not putting up with this. You either discuss this or leave.
No one has the right to make another person feel like that.
No ones perfect and we have to accept personality traits that we don't like....but there is a line and he's crossing it. And by the sounds of it..too often.
I would just walk into the bedroom and say...I'm not putting up with this. You either discuss this or leave.
No one has the right to make another person feel like that.
No ones perfect and we have to accept personality traits that we don't like....but there is a line and he's crossing it. And by the sounds of it..too often.
As has been said, if he is not willing you nedd to act for yourself.
It seems to me you know this and are looking for reassurance that it's ok to leave him and put yourself first. It is.
I've been in a similar situation, left and never looked back or regretted it. There's plenty of support here if you need it.
It seems to me you know this and are looking for reassurance that it's ok to leave him and put yourself first. It is.
I've been in a similar situation, left and never looked back or regretted it. There's plenty of support here if you need it.
Beware of taking the blame for this deteriorating situation onto yourself - which he will encourage because that excuses him from taking any responsibility himself.
His behaviour is text-book controlling - shutting you out verbally and physically makes him feel as though he is 'in charge' which is not a phrase you want to be considering in any relationship.
If you take control, by moving it, you may make him see that this cannot go on - for either of you - but as i said, you are not the person to fix him, especially at cost to yourself, it simply is not going to happen.
Act today.
His behaviour is text-book controlling - shutting you out verbally and physically makes him feel as though he is 'in charge' which is not a phrase you want to be considering in any relationship.
If you take control, by moving it, you may make him see that this cannot go on - for either of you - but as i said, you are not the person to fix him, especially at cost to yourself, it simply is not going to happen.
Act today.
