Breaking point reached yesterday

[Smowball]

Am really writing this out of frustration, as I honestly dont know what to do.
You all know relationship between hubby and son at home are strained - mostly because he doesnt see his own child( or so I thought).
Yesterday son returned home from France. He had still got fathers day card and prezzie for hubbby(his step father). His own daughter sent nothing.I did lovely meal. During meal son started chat about his friend nad ipod touch and he wanted one and how could he eary the money. It all got silly, he wanted a job and we said at his age he was limited. Hubby suggesting he knock on strangers door and offer to do odd jobs. Son refused saying anything could happen to him doing that. Said it was his birthday soon(sept) and he could have it then. he didnt want to wait and whinged that most of his friends parents just bought these things as and when.

To cut long stry short it spiralled out of control(not with me) but hubby lost the plot and was absolutely vile. I couldnt calm him down, he was shouting and shouting at me about all my kids being useless, waste of space( he had had a drink btw - no excuse I know). Kept on about how I wouldnt survive without his money blah blah blah and I would be destitute if he left. So i said well your parents are away for another 2 weeks - if you feel like that just go and stay at their house. He didnt, but just gave me the silent treatment. Has left for work and didnt even know he had gone.

I just dont know how to sort this out. Obviously if I had to choose my son would come first, no question. In fact Im not sure what Im even asking, Im just fed up of excusing his behaviour and want it to stop.

[albaqwerty]

You've hit the nail on the head Smow, you are excusing his behaviour.
When he gets home tonight, talk to him, don't accuse or shout.

(I must admit that I'd tell him, either he changes his ways inside 6 months, say, then he's out. Yes, you can and will survive without his money.) I'll stop there for now as I'm getting irked.

[ummmm]

You know you're going to get the 'leave him' answers? Ignore them!

We all have a breaking point and it looks like he's reached it. He's taking it out on the wrong people...but that's what people do.

I would hate to be in his head. From what you've said about your other kids the last few days, I can understand his frustration :-(

[Smowball]

Im actually in tears Im so frustrated. The scary thing is that if he had threatened to leave 6 months ago I would have been pleading with him not to go, but I didnt bat an eyelid. So either Im stronger now( with the help of you lot!) or else im really getting to the point of not giving a monkeys. Maybe he thinks he can do this because i will keep excusing it.

[cazzz1975]

you have been here before, how many times has this happened and then the behaviour continued? I would be at the end of my patience and understanding level now. my son wouldnt deserve to be treated like this.

[Smowball]

He doesnt even know about elder son asking me to be guarantor - there was no point stressing him out. You are totally right, he is taking it out on the wrong people but how he is speaking to son is disgusting, he had him in tears, and this is a 12/almost 13 yr old who is as tall as me and doesnt like to lose face.

[albaqwerty]

IF you allow his behaviour of you son to continue (I don't mean it quite like that, sometimes my words don't come out right) as he grows into a young man he will greatly resent and loathe his step-father.

[cazzz1975]

He cant keep using his frustration at his own situation as an excuse to be vile to you or your children, what kind of happy childhood memories will they have in years to come?

[pastafreak]

If it was me,and he was saying this stuff about my child/children,I'd be thinking he wasn't deserving of being their step-dad,as that's not the kind of example I'd want set for them. Yes -I know he has massive problems with this own daughter and her mum...but it's no excuse to constantly take it out on you and yours...and ruin special days in the process.

[Smowball]

You're all right, and im sorry for moaning about it all. I feel a bit of a failure as a mother right now tbh for not being able to stop this.

[starone]

Couple of questions smowball - whose house do you live in? Is it yours or rented in your name? If it is you can feel safe in that you have somewhere to live and you will not be homeless. How much money does he give you? (I don't want to know, I just want you to think about it). Don't forget he is paying for bed and board or lodgings if you like. He has, in you, someone who keeps house for him, does his washing, irons his clothes, cooks all his meals, etc. What does he do in exchange apart from giving you some of his money? Assess everything so that you know you are on sound ground and you will feel stronger and able to do whatever you decide. On a personal note, he could do with a good clout round the earhole, but I doubt that would help somehow. Best of luck.

[albaqwerty]

You are not a failure as a mother, feeling like that comes with the territory tho.

I so agree with Starby especially her last sentence.

[Smowball]

We rent this house, it is in my name only. He earns 5/6 times more than me and 90% of his money he puts into out joint acount, where all bills and shopping come out of. So he basically pays for almost everything. He is a hard worker and a good person but its almost as though he sees my son as competition if that makes any sense.He was so lovely when son was away, but as soon as he gets back he turns into a git.

[vulcan]

I have some sympathy for your husband as your son is using emotional blackmail. He says he wants a job and is offered a viable suggestion and immediately turns it down. He says he can't wait and his friends parents buy items as soon as the child wants it. My wife died of cancer when our sons were 10 & 12, and when they became teenagers their personality changed. They wanted things I couldn't afford and said things like "mum would have let us" etc. My first reaction was guilt followed by anger, they wanted something and were trying emotional blackmail to get it. I didn't react the way your husband has but I can understand his frustration.

[Smowball]

My son can hardly get a proper job - he is only 12. Agree son was trying it on, totally agree, but hubby is like this almost all of the time with him. I just need to find a way to somehow sort this, just dont know how. he is not somebody you can discuss things with easily.

[ummmm]

Vulcan has a very valid point.

[EvianBaby]

Your son isn't acting any differently to any other kid his age. I hear it all the time and said it all the time myself. 'so and so has, this. It's not fair, everyone else has one'.

It might be frustrating but the issue is your husbands, not your sons or yours.

[rowanwitch]

How about sitting him down and telling him you know your son is trying it on and suggesting he helps you with a joint plan. one you will be united on i.e you will not back down in favour of your son.. maybe offering your son payment for extra chores...he can't argue that is unsafe after all pay him fair rates and maybe work on the basis if he earned half the value of the ipod he could have the difference as a birthday present. early if he earns his half sooner.. but also sit down with your son and let him know you are wise to him too and he is old enough to realise his behaviour is hurting you as well and you expect him to be part of the solution. You have two males wanting to be number one... and that position is in your gift

[annie0000]

Apart from the way you feel right now, in general, would you miss him if he wasn't there? If the answer is no then you really are at breaking point.

The ipod point is quite easiliy rectified. Your son can request it for his birthday in September, if he wants it sooner then he has to earn it - could he do extra jobs around the house/garden - gain a reward for a good school report?

You have an explosive mix in the house at the moment - a son with teenage hormones kicking in and a man with personal frustrations who is his step father. As much as he will be atached to your son and supporting him, I would imagine that it is easier to take teenage selfishness from your own child than from someone elses.

Having said that, I think you need a tool to use when the shouting starts - and that is not necessarily taking sides or joining in. But never make a threat that you are not prepared to carry out!

[nannybooby]

Sounds to me as if your husband is afraid he is going to loose you , his constant making you choose between him and your son , saying he is going to leave etc. Think he needs reassurance that you still want him. I lived with someone like this ,its exhausting emotionally and physically only you know if he is worth it. Good luck it aint easy.

[Smowball]

I did tell hubby that I totally agree son was trying it on, and was just being a typical teenager etc etc, but its the way that he speaks to him, or rather doesnt half the time. He never asks him how school has been, doesnt utter a word to him during meals, and when he does the only thing he ever says is have you done your home work or have you emptied the dishwasher. I feel totally stuck inbetween the two of them.