insults ans put downs

[gingerflaps]

does anyone know of any good/funny/sarcastic insults and put downs?

[kev100]

http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/insult.html

http://www.jokesnjokes.net/funny.jokes.amusing.humor.lau ghs/Obnox/insults001.htm

[gingerflaps]

lol i love this 1....did the aliens forget to remover your anal probe

[smee.tracey]

girl to boy: No I'm not a lesbian, but you could persuade me otherwise

[Dusky]

Phil Collins to some rowdy punter: "Yes, I remember my first beer."

Billy Connolly: "Dont let the hair fool you; I like violence."

[johnalex]

"I never forget a face  -  but in your case I'm prepared to make an exception!"  (With thanks to Groucho Marx)

[Philtaz]

When in work we often hear some of the Consultant's talking about their electrified house gates, new BMW soft top they are picking up tomorrow or the speedboat they've just ordered.  Many do it purposely to remind the staff about their financial status(like we care!).

I just look at them and think "You could have all the money in the world but it's not going to stop you being a prick".

[bernardo]

You are a nankerous skankerous cantankerous and intransigent nang-bandit!  You are a booliak!  You are a mad bad sad nasty vastly ghastly dastardly *******!

[bernardo]

That last word rhymes with car-stirred

[SteveD]

Comedian on the stage of a working men's club to a man making his way back to his seat in the audience after having been to the toilet, "There's always one, isn't there?  Where the 'ell 'ave you been?"

Man, "I've just been outside to see if the comic's arrived yet".

(Allegedly a true story)

[Xollob]

I like the Klingon "Hab SoSlI' Quch" - Your mother has a smooth forehead.

[JudgeJ]

Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill, in the House of Commons): "If you were my husband I'd...I'd put poison in your coffee"

Winston Churchill: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

[GucciGal]

I'm not your type I'm not inflatable.

Do I look like a peope person

Well aren't we a damn ray of sunshine

Earth is full. Go home

You are depriving a village of an idiot

Tee hee, not that I would use any of them, cos I'm all sweetness and light. ;-)

[landie]

Sergeant Major to Squaddie, being poked in the chest with swagger stick, on parade gound.

"Dou you know that there's a c*** on the end of this stick?"

"Well it's not my end, Sarge."

[kazzee69]

I was just watching an advert for 'celebrity love island' and I dont like Abi Titmuss but she came up with a cracker, she said 'there is only 2 things I don't like about Jane.. her face' (Meaning she is twofaced.) lol

[Ouisch]

"Is that your face, or did your butt open a branch office?"

 

A fave of mine courtesy of Steve Martin:

"If I wanted laughs, I'd follow you into the men's room."

[Otrere]

"Go and boil your head"

[derekpara]

' You're not as daft as you look !'

But it invites the rejoinder ' I wish I could say the same for you !'

[rooftrouser]

Judge J, you reminded me of another alleged exchange involving Churchill and a fellow MP:

Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk

Churchill: And you Madam are ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning.

[Fubsy]

My next door neighbour pushed a coin across the table and then came out with "here's 10p......now go and ring someone who gives a damn"!

It probably should be 20p now though.  I have shamelessly used this expression ever since to whingers!