I Have

[marval]

I have become a millionaire from gardening, but I will never forget my roots

I have been down on my luck recently and ended up living in the windmill at a crazy golf course. The owner keeps trying to move me, but I am staying putt.

I really regret hiring that Irish hitman now. After paying him to take out the wife I have just found out they spent the evening at the cinema.

I used to be a member of the Robust Neckwear Society. I still have strong ties with the group.

The Government is to “Lend a hand” to banks. The customers at the sperm bank will be relieved.

If I leave my computer for a while, a picture of Sean Connery holding a razor comes on. It’s my screen shaver.

Sky News: Major Blaze at block of flats in London Others on the guest list include General Dwellings and Private Apartments

Here’s a joke for all the mind readers out there.

You have to hand it to chefs who make haggis. It takes guts.

I met my partner on a morse code course, we were happy at first but then he left me. He said I had started sending out the wrong signals.

[maggiebee]

Very good marval, some crackers there.

[tonyav]

Very good, marval.

Q. Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef ? ( I know I know I'll get me coat ).