Over-reacting or well founded?

[Schlomo78]

Having had trouble getting to meet my fiancees 6yr old daughter, I finally met her 3 wks ago.We got oln iniatially well and had a good day with her and her half brother and sister,but on the Sunday we went to the ball park where she had misbehaved and been told off by my partner and made to sit still for a while whilst the other children played,(her brother had done the same thing earlier and been told off for it)during which she had a temper tantrum and emptied her whole packet of crisps on the carpet of where we were sitting.Although this was not the issue when she was allowed to play and came up to me wanting to sit on my knee,i pulled her up and she asked if we could play outside to which i told her jokingly only if she behaved herself.To my horror she put her fist against my cheek and told me to'shut up or you'll get my fist in your face' (!!!!).Obviously bothered by this I told my partner a little later on and he laughed.I don't think this is funny as I would never have dreamed of doing that when I was a child let alone to an adult.She is always in trouble at school for fighting etc and I wonder if it is this behaviour that is causing it.My partner says she just has a bad temper but I don't think that is an excuse and she needs to be taught to learn to control it as everyone else has to otherwise she won't get anywhere in life.Am I over-reacting to what she did?

[andy-hughes]

I don't think you over-reacted.

Your partner may have been a little embarassed, and didn't know how to handle the situation, but if it happens again, it must be dealt with.

In 'new partner' situations, children become experts at playing one adult off against the other. This is not as calculated and malicious as it sounds, it's part of testing and establishing the boundaries - all children do it with steady couples, or new arrivals, so don't take it personally.

The golden rule is - A United Front.

Your partner must back you up if you take issue with his child's behaviour, even if he disagrees at the time, he must discuss it with you later, out of the childrens' hearing.

If this sort of thing happens again - and it will, take her straight to your partner and tell him in a stern voice what has happened. If he laughs it off, do not react, but tacle him, again, when they are out of the way.

If he cannot see that a united approach is the only way to prevent escalating game-playing by the children, which will strain and eventually destroy your relationship, then you need to point it out to him.

If he still 'puts his children first' - either from misplaced guilt, or weakness, you will have to seriously consider your position within the relationship.

[qapmoc]

I would be more than a bit concerned about where she learned the tactic and the phrase from, are you sure that your partner is not one person with you and another with the kids when they are alone. Think about it and don't let the fact that you want him put ''rosy specs'' on you.

[Schlomo78]

I don't think that is the case,but my mother said the same thing when I told her,she behaves like it at home too some of the time and as my partner only sees her every other weekend and her mother is by all accounts highly strung a lot of the time i wondered if it was coming from her.She seems to be like it a lot at both home and school and got told off the other day for slapping another 6 yr old round the face at school.I don't know where she is getting this behaviour but am 100% its not from my partner,although no one seems to be making any attempts to control it and I would think that if she carries on like this she will get worse and end up being expelled from first school!!!Good grief.

[Headloose]

You have a fiance and yet you only met his daughter three weeks ago? Just what did you expect?

[Schlomo78]

well we've been together several months but his ex would not let me go with him to meet her as she is very controlling,bearing in mind they have been split up for 6 years,she has someone else and doesnt want him but doesnt want anyone else to have him it would seem,creating trouble(or attempting to) from the start.Hence the late meeting.

[saffyj]

i would hang in there.she is testing you, but kids do take adults at face value and i guess you just have to earn her trust.once she gets to know you and knows you like her, it will be easier to be firm but fair with her if she repeats this type of behaviour.you may have to be a little tolerant at this stage i'm afraid.she didnt choose you, you chose her father.just bear in mind shes a kid and when they cant put their feelings into words they can react in different ways.when you're together, a good idea might be to spend a little time with her, take her a walk to the park or read her a story, anything to prove that you're not a threat.after all, she's going to be part of your life now.

[sense4all]

In the event of a split from mr sense I too would expect him to excercise caution in his introducing a new partner to our children (but not for major control - freaky reasons).Infact I think I would have to be grown up- and ask to meet you myself first.This would be so that we could discuss what would be fair to expect for, and from, the children.It is tough to accept that someone else was now part of their lives in a pseudo- parental capacity.(please do not be upset by the term, I don't mean offence ) .You only have to read some of the postings to appreciate that even adults behave badly.I don't think you over-reacted with your partner, you did not cause a scene and you did not make his child feel bad about herself.I would not let my partner off the hook easily - he is her Dad and he needs to tell her if there is a _reoccurence that her behaviour is just not acceptable.Maybe he feels bad about how a parental split has impacted his child and thinks he is 'cutting her some slack' and spending a bit of no hassle time together.Andy is right YOU need your partners help on this if it's to be managed for the interests of all. Continued on next posting.....

[sense4all]

I also think that Saffy makes some excellent points.The sands have been shifting in this wee ones life for a while,she just want's to try to gain (or maybe even maintain) some control.

Do you know why she gets in trouble at school, what causes her to lose her cool.[Get her Dad to ask her (while you are pottering in the background) perhaps knocking up lunch... but you are not directly involved in the conversation - so as not to upset the highly strung among you should she be cross examined at home]I have had dealings with kids for eighteen years,it may be that some little horror is pushing her buttons at school,it is tough being a kid learning all this new social stuff, perhaps that is where she got the behaviour from,some one is saying it to her at school.

Persevere, talk to your partner he is after all the link that joins you and make him realise he has to say no even if it ruffles a few feathers.Let him deal with the discipline for the short term, but feel free to comment by saying something that is an un emotional but true statement eg I don't think that was a very nice thing to say do you? please let us know how you get on, stick in there schlomo78!