having a rant!!!!

[onlyme26]

hmmm i have a partner with a 10 yr old from previous relationship, we have her either 2 nights in the week or every other weekend, depends on what we work, she also pops down for tea and to play with our little girl in between, this isnt the issue,
i have a 7 yr old who me and my partner have brought up on our own and a baby on the way,
his eldest has a close relationship to my partners mum as she is at her house all the time!! when she isnt with us she is there, she doesnt seem to be home with her mum very often! anyway she just spent last weekend with us thurs-sun and then my partner dropped her off at his mums ( at his mums request as she had her school uniform etc) my partner has been working all week and went to his mums last night and found his eldest still there from mon and she hadnt been to school all week!!!!! she hadnt been home to her mums either!! well he went mad as his mum is always keeping her for weeks on end and keeping her off school,
but it makes me angry that she keeps her there and keeps her off school, how irresponsable is that, and when he asked his mum why? she said..... she needs a break!!
seriously she is 10 she spent the weekend at ours was happy as larry,
the eldests mum doesnt seem to care, she isnt going home till next monday!!!
his mum just takes over and there is nothing we can do about it, she shouldnt be having weeks off school like this all the time, my partner is worried about her education, she goes to high school in sept, she has no chance with a mum who doesnt give a **** and a nan who takes over but in all the wrong ways!!!
this is a rant really more then anything, cant talk to his mum, she does what she wants and no one can say anything, my partner cant take his daughter away as she wants to stay there with her nan, who wouldnt??? spoilt to death and weeks off school whenever she wants!!!
its hard when we have her coz we bring my daughter up differently so i have

[onlyme26]

to bite my tonge alot ( it cut off the end of my post)!!!

lol

[Barmaid]

Oh dear onlyme - I am the kiss of death to most relationships so no point me offering advice. Just rant away hon.

However, if I might be so bold. Under the Education Act, the Local Authority will start to issue warnings for non-attendance at school very soon (normally if attendance falls below 90% with unauthorised absences - in this area at least). Your partner and his ex may well then face a summons to Court with one of two possible charges. One is knowingly not sending her to school and the other is one to which there are only the statutory defences (of illness, religious observance, distance from school and one other which I can't recall). Thus your partner could find himself landed with a criminal record and a big fine. Sorry to add to your woes, but I think it's time he sorted his mum/ex out.

[onlyme26]

bloody hell!!!

but what can he do??? they just dont listen, he went mad at his mum and she doesnt care, she thinks she is some sort of bloody saint!! she was off on the friday fro a dentist apopointment, which takes 10 minutes for a check up, but she had the whole day off, then off all this week, im gonna tell him to tell her that the school have phoned and will make a official complaint and its him whos faces getting in trouble!! maybe that will scare her into sense!!!

[Barmaid]

Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. But as her parent, the LA will hold your partner equally liable. It is a serious risk - I hoped that you might be able to use the information to persuade her that the child needs to go to school.

You could also point out that if she is staying with Gran when the absences occur that you would defend it on that basis and make Gran take the hit (you can't, but no reason why she should know that).

[onlyme26]

no if we tell her she still wont listen, but i honestly think if we tell her the school have called and basically said that if her attendance doesnt inprove they will start proceddings, i mean she is off all the bloody time!!#
she knows how to work her nan tho, she will say she has a sore throat and thats it a week off, but i assume she must tell the school of her absense or thwy would be calling up?? but still its a week here a week there and to be honest something needs to be done, its easy to say my partner should be dealing, but what can he do?? he said he wants her back in school today but his mum said NO, he said he wishes she was mine last night, was so sweet of him, he said im a dead good mum and would never do things like this, i feel sorry for him as he has no control over his daughter really, and if he goes in there heavy handed, she will just rebell and become closer to his mum, he cant phyiscally go round there get her dressed and drag her to school, she will just hate him for things like that, its a tricky situation, his mum needs to back off , she is the nan NOT the mum.

[danchip]

maybe a heavy hand is needed, my cousin did this with his 13 year old daughter and she rebelled went to live with her mum but soon came back when she realised her mum who let her skive school didn't care about her and that her dad had done what he did because he cared and wanted the best for her

[Barmaid]

I really do sympathise. Unfortuately, the law sees little distinction between those parents who don't give a damn and those who (like you) are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have seen cases where mum is a tiny little thing with a strapping 14 year old boy who just WON'T go to school. She can't physically force him to (and in fact, I have seen cases where the child is violent towards the parent) but still it has resulted in a conviction.

I suspect Nan is phoning the school saying she is "sick" which will keep them off your back for a while - but sooner or later they will investigate and start asking for medical records.

You could ask the Education Welfare Officer (each school will have one assigned) for help. The LAs appreciate people who ask for help and will do their best to assist. Formal involvement at this stage may well be what is needed to ensure the little girl actually gets an education.

[onlyme26]

the problem is, we arent in a position to be able to take and pick her up from school,

i take my daughter to and from school and use a morning club, i cant get between schools in time, it takes nearly 30 minutes between to the 2 as its on the are other side of the town, the morning club i use cant even help as the eldests school isnt in the area, my partner works full time also,

so its my partners mum that takes her and picks her up every day from school, which is why she is there so much, and why its up to her whether she goes or not.

[danchip]

tell your partners mum that you are making other arrangements for the daughter getting to school as she isn't doing it, this might scare her into sorting it out and sendig the girl to school

[Velvetee]

I expect Social Services will become involved soon. Her regular absences wouldn't have gone unoticed and they will start to become concerned.

If her mother really has little interest, then maybe your partner needs to consider his daughter's current living arrangements. Perhaps she may have to come to live with you or go to Grandmother's, where you can both offer support and help and ensure she attends school.

[onlyme26]

i dont think it will work, she is very stubborn, her opinion is... "she is my grandchild ill do what i like" i dont think she realises there are laws in place for children!! just coz she is the nan doesnt mean she can do what she likes!!!

she took over from day 1, seriously when i met my partner, his daughter was only just turning 2 and his mum just fussed over her something rotten, i thought it was sweet at first, you know the loving doting nanny, but the more i got to know them the more i realised she wanted to be the MUM not the nan!! the actual mum didnt seem to be bothered she would leave her with my partner and his mum for a week at a time, my partner lived with his mum at the time, so she was always there, when me and my partner moved in together i was pregnant with our little girl, we were supposed to have his eldest every weekend but hismum stuck her nose in and said " dont take her away from me" was a nightmare, she made it hard as hell, and my partners Ex always calls his mum never him!! so we have to call her every week to make arrangments and half the time she isnt there she is already at her nans!! she makes no effort with our child, its like she resents the fact that we are together and bringing her up in a stable home, so she is overcompensating, problem is, she is making things difficult for everyone!!

[onlyme26]

her mum wouldnt give her up, she has another little boy who is 4, so she has a brother at home, not that she sees him much!

if she lived with her nan ( my partners mum), she would never be in school!! so that wouldnt help

we have considered her living with us, but her mum wont give her up, plus i dont think she wants to live with us, im a lot stricter with my daughter, when it comes to going to school, when it comes to eating and bed times etc, ( tho im having trouble lately lol) but they have had 2 totally different bringings up, if you see what i mean..

if she could pick, she would pick her nan ( partners mum) she gets spoilt something rotten there, off school all the time, doesnt have to eat meals just eats crap, gets new toys every week,

with us she would have to go to school, she would have to sit and eat her meals,

i wouldnt let her out on her own ( she is 10 and in this day and age.........) i wouldnt let her out in what she wears!! she has a facebook account!! i just think her mum and nan are ruining her, i wish it was 5 years ago and we could take her in and bring her up

[onlyme26]

maybe we do need to try and get custody???

not sure how we would get her to and from school????

not sure if his mum would back off, she may not let it happen????

[chattykathy]

Firstly, I think your partner needs to go to the school and discuss the problem. The Government are very hot on attendance nowadays and rate the school in this respect, I'm sure they will be most helpful in helping to resolve the issue.
Secondly, you could apply to the court for custody citing the fact that the child is missing out on her schooling - I take it she could just go to the same school as your daughter and then the local secondary school next year. Attending school is so vital for one's life chances, she will such problems later on trying to catch up. You will be doing her a big favour which I'm sure she'll appreciate in later life. Good luck!

[zzxxee]

i dont no what your financial situation is like but could you pay a child minder to take her to school?? if not i would encourage your partner to go into his daughters school and arrange a meeting with the head teacher, and to talk to the mother the short sharp shock treatment

[daffy654]

It sounds to me like your partner needs to seek legal advice and apply to the courts for a residency order for his daughter to live with him and you. The child will be the one to suffer in the long term if she doesn't get the education she needs. Your partner needs to be firm with his mum too,she can't just keep the child away from school because she feels like it!
I know you said getting the daughter to school would be a problem but she can always change schools to one nearer to your house.

[chattykathy]

Hear, hear, Daffy!!