I want children and my partner's unsure, what should I do?

[sparks_5]

Hi, I have been with my partner for 9 years, I'm 29 and he's 30. We've recently bought a house together and in decent jobs so I am now thinking about starting a family. However he's not keen to have children yet and when I ask him if he actually does want to have children at all he's vague and says 'probably, I don't know' or 'maybe one day'. His cousin had her first child in her forties so he doesn't see the problem in waiting that long despite me pointing out all the health risks. I love him to bits and I don't want to put preassure on him but I need to know if he definitely wants children or whether he's just going to keep putting it off for so long that in the end it'll be too late. I don't want to end up resenting him and I'd like to think that I love him enough to give up the chance of being a mum but to be honest I'm not sure I can. I don't want to give him an ultimatum as it seems unfair but I don't know how else to overcome this

[WendyS]

I think the only way of resolving this problem is to sit down andhave a serious and honest debate with him about it. Your long term relationship will always be under threat if you cannot agree on such a fundamental issue. As you've been together for nine years, and both of you are mature individuals I'm quite surprised that you've made the commitment of buying a house together with the issue of children unresolved between you. If you're conscious of the clock ticking and the issue can't be buried in the sand indefinitely, it's time for both of you to be honest with each other. If you feel you genuinely want children in your life and he doesn't, perhaps it's time to admit that the joint house purchase was a mistake and you should try and amicably go your separate ways. But giving him an ultimatum will only cause problems between you, so you have to try and approach the topic sensitively.

[Thunderchild]

you have to discuss it why doesn't he want children ? all I can say is theres nothing worse than unwanted children so make sure you make the right decisions

[Ice.Maiden]

Can't add anything else to these two replies, but the best of luck to you.

[redcrx]

talk talk talk!!

Thats all i can suggest. I was in the exact same position at your age and in the end my I got fed up with my husband, who'd Id been with since the age of 18, saying 'yes one day but i dont know when' that we split (it was the only reason but a major one)

It was discussed when we first got together and we were both of the same opinion then, that we'd wait until we were older and have chikdren one day, but things change dont they.

My story had a happy ending. 2 year after the split i met a wonderful man and circumstances meant that we fell pregnant 3 months later. A scary thing at the time, but now 3 and a half years further on we are expecting our second baby and are so very happy.

[isymcd]

Talk and talk asap. You might not like the outcomebut need to out yourself fisrt. The urge to have baby will not pass and you would come to resent him in time and then have no baby and no relationship!

[Claire-L]

Get pregnant by whatever means you can. He will come around. My partner did.

[redcrx]

and what if he doesnt Claire?

That is a ridiculous things to suggest, what if the partner really doesnt want kids yet and walks away? who does that help?

[sparks_5]

Thanks for all your advice. it kinda confirmed what I thought but hearing it from other people has given me the courage in my convictions to face this head on. I've been dreading having this conversation with him for fear of the worst but I can't bury my head in the sand forever. Wish me luck, all the best! :)

[4getmenot]

Claire what stupid advice, with girls like you this is why children grow up with parents that dont love them. If you are on pill sparks then you can prepare for it by coming off the pill but talk to your bloke first and it is up to him to where a condom, if he doesn�t want children he can�t be forced but he cannot expect you to sort all the contraception. I�m afraid the only way is to talk and an ultimatum if babies is what you want maybe the only way forward.

[Claire-L]

In my opinion the question author is looking for assurance that her fella will stay with her if/when she has their baby. There are no guarantees.

Do what I did. Even if he is not around he will need to make sure the kid is provided for financially.

[sparks_5]

Don't worry I have no intention of tricking him into this at all. I meant I was going to talk to him about it to see what he really wants. If he want children great but if not there is no way on earth I would decieve him in such a way and risk my child having a broken family. I care far too much for him to force him into a life he doesn't want.

[redcrx]

having to provide for a child that he didnt want in the first place is hardly fair is it, not if he's assured that contraception is fine.

You were lucky that it worked out for you Claire, others may not be.

[4getmenot]

its ok redcrx claire is a troll check out chatterbank. But unfotunately for some blokes there are girls as dumb as that in the world

[Claire-L]

So, what will you do in 10 years time if he says he still does not want children with you. Are you willing to be childless?

Get pregnant. He will come round. If he doesnt then you will get half the house.

Good Luck.

[redcrx]

ta 4get, just seen. I did wonder if it was a troll, but then some people really are that dumb so i had to give benefit of the doubt didnt i.

[ChocolatChip]

Yes... but she doesn't want her man heading for the hills if he found out she got pregnant without at least discussing it. If sparks and her partner go into it together, they will have a stronger foundation to stay together. You were just lucky Claire-L.
She's not testing him or anything. And I'm sure that at least, when single mums start off, they probably don't want to be single mums.
Talking is the best solution to everything, I'm sure he'll come around, even men get broody!

[Ice.Maiden]

Claire - I can't believe you at all! You remind me of someone else on here....

[Beanmistriss]

My blokes quite a bit older than me and has two grown up(ish) kids. He said he didn't want more kids (long story, his ex tricked him into the first one, turned into the psycho b*tch from hell, used kids against him etc etc). When I first met him I wasnt that bothered but in the past few years i've been feeling diffirent and now I'm the broodiest person I ever met! I approached it with him a few times and he was a bit like, "oh well maybe". I decided that if I didnt have kids I would live to always regret it and would end up resenting him and obvoiusly it's not an option to trick someone into having kids (imo even if he accepted it and got used to the idea he would always feel resentful that his choice was taken away). I told him we needed to talk about it seriously but didn't tell him that if he truly ddnt want to have kid then I would leave him (I absolutly love him but theres no point if you cant both be happy). I didn't want it to be an ultimatum. In the end he just had a few understandable worries and I set them straight and I'm allowed to have babies! (fingers crossed).

Anyway what my point was was maybe you could try talking to him and say that you really need to know if he wants to have kids or not, not a vauge answer. Tell him its really important for you to know, he can't expect you to wait for an answer for ever. See if he has worries and see of you can work through them together. If he really does not want them then you have to decide what you want to do. It's not something you can compromise on and someone will always feel resentful if made to do something they don't really want. Good luck xx

[cazzz1975]

claire is one of those women that go on the jeremy kyle show claiming that she got pregnant by accident, or that she takes the pill and it didnt work.

they always end up as single mothers because if you trap the guy he will eventually leave, dont rely on the CSA to help either, they cant find their way out of a paper bag.

[sparks_5]

Thanks Beanmistress, good advice there. I'm glad it worked out for you - and I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you too :) You're right threatening him into a corner with an ultimatum would probably just get his guard up, but I do need to make him understand how important this is. that's the most frustrating thing, he just doesn't get why it's such a big deal and why we have to talk about it now. He's not very good at opening up and usually avoids the issue by making a joke about it which results in me getting upset and then round and round we go. To be honest though I do have a habit of skirting round the issue so I think I need to be more direct so he knows I'm serious