Hello

[MondayBlues]

First off, im a long term user ,but using this throwaway name to vent and to hear anyones opinion.

My husband of 15 years ,together 20 told me on Saturday night that he's had a fling with a woman at work. Apparently he's met up with her twice at her flat near where they both work. The first time they just chatted and the second time they ended up in bed but he swears they just had a "fumble" but did not actually have sex as he apparently "couldn't go through with it".

For 2 weeks he's being trying to break it off with her, but shes turned all bunny boilerish and refuses to take no for an answer.

I knew something was wrong, he's been quiet for the last week but he told me it's because he wasnt feeling well, and like a sap, i believed him! When all along the guilt over the whole tawdry thing was "killing him".

As I've said, he finally broke down on Saturday night and told me everything, well, everything according to him anyway. And call me stupid, but I do believe he has told me everything.

I've done nothing but cry all weekend, but we've had several heart to hearts and i've decided to forgive him. I still love him dearly and can't throw him out. And he claims it's made him realise how utterly stupid he's been and he desperately wants to stay with me.

We do have a child together and we've both agreed that we want to stay together for each other, rather than out of a sense of duty to our child.

I've contacted him this morning at work, and she was waiting for him, and screamed at him in the company carpark, saying he can't do this to her etc etc.

To be honest, im not sure why ive made this post, except that it's maybe because im now on my own sat here, going over and over again in my head everythings that's been said, and it's killing me.

I will get over it, least I really want to and I desperately want us back to how we were, or maybe a better version, and he says (and i believe him) that he does too.

How do i/we get over it? Anyone with any experience, that can give me some pearls of wisdom?

[mccfluffy]

Sorry to hear this.
If you both want to make it work then maybe some marriage counselling, work on regaining trust and what it was that made him go off with her in the first place

Also i think he needs to deal with bb asap

[MondayBlues]

I'm not sure I even want to go to marriage councelling to be honest. Due to our heart to heart we both know why he did it.

We're in our 40's, she give him flattery, like a typical man, he fell for it, then he decided that no, it wasn't for him!

He's changed his mobile number so she couldn't contact him that way. He's really worried that she'll cause trouble at work and lose him his job. According to him she's turned into a psycho over the whole thing, he's promised her this, said that etc, now he's wussing out. He's told me he he's really worried she'll also find a way of contacting me, feeding me crap, and considering what he's already done ,and believe her over him.

I've asked him point blank if he told her he loved her, he said no, and he's been upfront with her and never once said he'd leave us for her.

By head's spinning over the whole thing, and ive never felt so low. I will forgive him, I already have, but the fact he's there now, and she is, and im here- its killing me.

[bednobs]

sorry i don't have any pearls of wisdom, but so sorry for what you are going through at the moment. Perhaps some time apart would help? How old is you child?

[Kristal53]

Sharp intake of breath.....do woman really turn into bunny boilers over a couple of dates...? Dates that were not sexual? and now husband is frightened she will get in touch with you and feed you 'crap' -or perhaps 'the truth'? I would firstly tell him you think the relationship must have been more serious than he makes out, but you will be willing to forgive and forget if he is totally honest with you -give him this chance and mean it - If he insists his story is the full story then contact this woman for a chat and if she is willing to meet you get her version. Remember - according to her you could be the 'wife who doesn't understand me' or worse. On the face of it he's had a fling, thought better of it and she's now miffed - you never know her husband may have found out and chucked her out - you need the full story otherwise it will bug you and cause problems in your relationship from now on.

[mccfluffy]

This is why i think.counselling will help, the lack of trust and not knowing whats going on is going to drive you bonkers

[coccinelle]

Was in exactly the same position many years ago though it didn't get to the bed position. Him coming clean is what worked for us as this woman phoned our home wanting to talk to him so had he not been clean that would have been our relationship over. My husband realised what could have happened and that he could have lost me so our relationship was a lot stronger due to that. You'll forgive him but you won't forget but at least he didn't cheat on you. Sometimes men are bowled over by flattery if only they could think what it could lead to before they get involved. Stay strong and after a couple of months you'll see you can turn the page and not pry on it.

[MondayBlues]

Thank you both.

The child's 10 bednobs.

I don't want time apart. This is going to sound really pathetic, and I almost hate myself for typing it, but he's my world, and always has been, I couldn't bear time away from him.

I guess im just looking for someone to say "yes, this will heal, you can get back what you had before, we did it" etc. Am I being naive?

He really is so desperately sorry, this weekend is the second time in our relationship, that he's cried. I know he's sorry, but I'm really struggling to get over it.

My self esteem, which has never been great, has taken a severe bashing, and I'm sat here, feeling fat, ugly and just so down it honestly feels like im literally being crushed. Am I making any sense?

[MondayBlues]

Thank you coccinelle, that's what I wanted to hear!

Surely if we both sincere in wanting to make our marriage work, we can do, right?

[MondayBlues]

Sorry Kristal, didn't notice your reply.

Well I most certainly won't be requesting a meeting with this woman! Yes i do think he's told me everything, he's admitted he was terrible flattered and yes he did tell her things as he got carried away. Though telling her he loved her and that he's leave me for her were definitely not said.

She's single.

[Kiki-frog]

I am so sad to read all this - what a terrible situation for you both. I don't think there are any quick fixes for this, as there has been a betrayal of trust. I think there will always be the temptation for you to throw this back at him every time you disagree about something, but this temptation has to be avoided at all costs if you are to get your relationship back on track.

I'm sure you're right that being flattered by her attention was what prompted this in the first place. You don't say how closely they have to work together, but if they are part of the same team then he has got a problem on his hands. Is there anyone at work he can confide in? If she's now becoming hysterical when she sees him, then other work colleagues are pretty soon going to put two and two together. And, much as I hate saying this, it is generally the woman who is seen as the evil schemer in these situations, so chances are he's going to be OK and she will come off worst.

Try to stay strong and stay calm for you child's sake. And if you do need to sound off, I would say AB is an excellent way to do it. I hope it works out well for you. x

[Eve]

I'm so sorry. You don't have to make a snap decision you're bound to, especially with everything being so raw. It can be a working process by the both of you, involving any outside counselling as appropriate - another decision you don't have to make now - to see how things go and work towards getting things back on track - I wonder if there were other issues given your post (referring to reasons why - not that it's any excuse!).

The bunny boiler aspect needs to be dealt with - preferably sensitively if possible - I'm not condoning her of course (is she single out of interest?) but if she is feeling wounded then further affronting her pride etc... may make matters worse, especially as they work together.

[coccinelle]

Exactly. Don't make this a taboo. When you have questions you ask them and tell him you need the answers to move on. Once you've got the answers to your questions you'll feel a lot better. This woman's name sometimes crept up into conversations later on in years and we'd both laugh about it. There are lots of stumbling blocks put our way so it makes us feel so much stronger when we put them aside. Have a few romantic evenings out to get the sparkle back once you're over the shock.

[Brinjal]

I wouldn't contact the woman at all. She will only tell you things that will hurt you. Not necessarily the truth. Unless she contacts you then tell her you are not interested in her at all she is not important at all so b off.
Your husband has come forward and told you which is something. Yes he could be just trying to pre empt her but if you want to stay together then you have to tend toward believing him. But sadly thetrustisgone and how do you get that back. He has to realize that also and has to be accountable for his time. He can't think that things go on as before and it's only you that if affected. If you want to check up on him so be it and he has to accept it and has to be prepared to listen to you and how you feel. If he is genuine thenyouwill get through this but it will take time.

[Old_Geezer]

No personal experience, but ...

The choices you make are yours to make. Well done for having the strength to get this far and make decisions.

The question is less easy than it might be since it will be difficult to start getting over anything until the third party has stopped venting her rage and moved on. This is your husband's responsibility. How much you get involved is up to you. You may opt to stay well out of it as you've had enough stress as it is, and no one should blame you. Or you could contact her and warn her off. But I suspect it is unlikely to hasten the end result any. I think you need to forget healing this to any real degree until your husband has sorted things with the other woman.

After that, well time is the obvious answer. We humans are adaptable and the awkwardness that presently exists will hopefully reduce as time passes. Meanwhile you just need to take each day one day at a time while the hurt fades, and try to forgive, even if you don't ever forget. It may take quite some time until trust returns.

[MondayBlues]

Thank you for all your kind replies, I really do appreciate it. If any of you do work out who I am, please don't say. I've no idea why, as I've done nothing wrong but im ashamed and embarrassed by the whole thing.

Yes Jenna ,she's single.

Every question ive come up with he's answered, he's told me that he'll answer every question i ask honestly, and again (stupidly?) I believe.

She works in another department to him, but given the nature of their jobs they do run into each other quite often. He's been looking for jobs, inbetween crying!, all weekend to get away from her ASAP.

He's said he might have to tell his boss, as in this womans mind, he's cooled off with her as he's now after someone else in the office!!! A fact he denies strongly, but he says shes totally flipped, but he really doesn't want this poor innocent womans name dragged through anything.

[Old_Geezer]

Having read on, one person being your world is a vulnerable position to have achieved. It would be prudent of you to hold in mind that despite the belief this was as he said, it may not be the case. As mentioned it will probably take a while to rebuild trust, and is probably in your own interest that it does. See how things pan out. I hope it all mends for you but don't rush things.

[coccinelle]

Well, as we say 'we learn by our mistakes' and this is one your husband won't forget!! This woman will eventually move on to another prey but will want her little revenge before she does.

[MondayBlues]

Exactly old geezer- why I feel utterly crushed and broken. It does make me very pathetic and a pushover, and im usually not, but this has completely torn me apart.

[Kristal53]

I am always leary of men who describe the other woman as 'flipped'. Years ago I was discouraged by my husband from associating with a mutual female friend as she was 'nuts'. A few years later he admitted he'd had an affair with her, years before we met, and he was single at the time -but it was an affair he should not have had (not going into details) and was frightened she would 'tell tales' - Like I was bothered (not). Guess what I'm trying to say is perhaps you should get the story from the horses mouth so to speak -if nothing else it would prove she's 'flipped' if she has -worst scenario is you have a womanising husband who can't keep it in his pants and has chucked her in for new blood in the office and decided to come clean to you cos she's threatened to tell all - that does not mean you and hubby part company - but you need a level honest playing field and something just niggles with this story -sorry.

[Old_Geezer]

I suspect many do, you would not be alone. It's to do with commmitment to the exclusion of just about all else. Nice to be part of, has great rewards, but is not without dangers. Might pay you to build up other friendships too, ensure you girlfriends are a large part of your life as well.