Why Are Families So Difficult

[Cocacolaaa]

I feel terrible. I don't know what to do at all. It's my mother. She tells me I slander her. She is horrible to me. I am horrible to her. She cancels holidays on me, right now we are both suppose to be in France, she cancelled, said she took her diary to the airport instead of her passport. I was waiting for her to arrive, and she didnt. Not even a phone call.

This always happens... I feel humiliated in front of my work colleagues because they all knew i was looking forward to a holiday in France with my mum. It's nothing short of a nightmare. I'm living in silence at the moment, half of me attempting to pretend that I'm actually there... silly huh.

We always have arguments, not little ones either, big massive ones. She treats me like a theaf, quite literally. She upsets me by doing something, whether it be canceling a holiday last minute, or causing a huge massive argument and not speaking to me for months, or other stuff, its difficult. Then when I discuss with my friends why I am upset she tells me that I am slandering her. It's like she's allowed to kick me, but if it hurts i am not allowed to cry. That is how i feel.

She has told me that a line has been crossed. (She is always on about this bloody invisible line, jesus, dont delete your daughter, delete the freaking line) I'm stressed out about this. She calls me selfish, says that it's all about me all the time. I'm actually beginning to believe her. I live alone, and I cant tell you how I feel right now... My stomach feels full of anxiety. Like I could pace the floor, but only because I dont know where else to get comfortable. I don't know what situation to put myself in. She says she's changing her phone number. SHe never calls me, I live in a different country, and she never calls me. I havent spoke to her vocally in ages. Whatsapp all the time. The past few weeks have been vicious, whatsapp message after whatsapp message...

I dont want to talk to friends about it anymore , because they all think bad of my mum, or show me pity. I hate this. So I would rather not tell anyone. I'm ashamed we are not getting along. My friends all have good relationships with their parents. Maybe giving it time will make things better, but I want a quick fix, because i feel like Sugar right now.

I tried to explain that I dont slander her, when I'm upset I talk to friends, and they see this. She replied and called me Motor Mouth. I can't handle this. I'm alone in a different country.

I have no brothers and sisters, my mum and dad were always separated and sadly my dad died just over 2 years ago. I have reached a stage in my life where I realise I'm alone. I'm scared about that too. Maybe I should seek some professional help. I feel like going back to bed right now... and that is no good either.

[andy-hughes]

You are trapped in a co-dependent relationship which damages both you and your mum far more than it helps and supports you.

I would suggest contacting your mum in writing, to give you chance to get your thoughts in proper order, without the inevitable de-railing of any conversation which will occur when she responds to your first observation.

Ask that she writes back, and ask her to be honest about her feelings, and leave out any vitriol, which is simply a distraction.

If you are serious about mending this relationship, i suggest you consider relationship counselling for the two of you - as thigs are, you simply continue to damage each other, which is futile.

[Cocacolaaa]

You know, I'm scared of reading answers, I even feel this is slander. I feel awful. Of course I want to mend this relationship. I really do.

[grasscarp]

Do you have friends? There are people, and some on here, who do not get on with their mothers at all. Both my parents are dead and a lot of people do not get on with one or both of their parents so you are not alone. You would be better to be out of touch with your mother in my opinion as it must be very hurtful to hear the horrible things she says to you.
I would work on building up other relationships, as the one with your mother is not helping you to enjoy your life - which you should be doing.
Andy Hughes suggestion of putting what you want to say to her in writing is a good one.

[Cocacolaaa]

yes I have friends, but sometimes they are scairse haha... not sure they want to hear my problems anymore... I could sure do with sharing a bottle of wine tonight though, and getting this off my chest, maybe having a right good cry. x

[Cocacolaaa]

I dont want to hurt her. Mostly I will feel like she is alone, and that I didn't try hard enough... Or I will feel guilty. I don't want that either. I'm confused with these feelings. I don't know if she is saying she is going to delete me because its for the best... or if she is trying to hurt me... or what the hell is going on? I'm sure she is doing things for the best. I must admit. My emotions are confused. I think I should go see someone about this. My emotions are very confused.

[grasscarp]

Cocacolaa. I hope that you can find someone to talk to soon. Wish that I could help more - especially as you have wine! Do not think that you shouldnt be talking about your mum on here. You are unhappy and so would anyone be in the circumstances you have outlined. Keep positive - you can get through this.

[Cocacolaaa]

Thanks Carp. Thank you. x

[grasscarp]

Just another thought - do you have any other relatives like grandparents or cousins you can turn to?

[Cocacolaaa]

I tried that, but they are my mothers side of the family, and whilst taking my side, they take nothing to do with me, and give my mum a hard time also... and turns the family against her making them feel superior and my mum the less worthy. They make her feel worse. See this isnt all my problem. I wish it was. There are obviuosly other problems that are causing this. I love my mum. It's professional help that I need. I realise this. Thanks for your help Carp. X

[petal54]

my sister & I have a 'mother' like yours,so controling.Has poor vision & hearing,but misses nowt.my son is a saint spending alott of time with her,he switches off to her most of the time.

[Butterbun]

Don't know how old you are, but if you're old enough to drink wine I gather you may be over 18. Can you afford to, and have you considered getting your own place? With a bit of space between you, you might mend the relationship and get on a lot better.

[Cocacolaaa]

I live in a different country. I'm an adult.

I wish I could turn off from this. But I care too much. x

[Butterbun]

Sorry, just read your op again and saw information I missed. It is a difficult situation. A counsellor might help. good luck.

[Cocacolaaa]

Anyway, I dont think sitting here mulling it over in my head is doing much good. For now I think wine is the answer. I will leave it. Tomorrow I will seek some professional help, and I will put my point to my mother once the dust has settled, to work together, to sort our problems out. It's the best I can do.

[pixie373]

I think for both your sakes, you need to back away a bit. Don't arrange any more holidays or meet-ups, certainly in the near future, build up your own support network where you are with friends and perhaps accept you're never going to have the relationship with your mum that some of your friends have with theirs. I'd try regular (once a month or so) light contact, without giving her too many details that she can get upset over. See how it goes.

[Cocacolaaa]

Not a bad answer Pixie. I think I will do that. x

[pixie373]

Best of luck x

[Cocacolaaa]

Finally, a small breakthrough. I sent my mum a small message saying that I was not going to contact her for a while, but she should know that I love her very much. She replied and said she thinks we both need space from each other, and that I shouln't contact my uncle as my Auntie has advised him to keep out of it. WHich im happy about, because that means they are treating my mum well. I agreed. Hum haw hum haw. Wine o'clock im sure of it. x At least we care, this to me is proof there is care there.

[pixie373]

Exactly. You both need a break and i think you did the right thing there. I would take it very slowly and i really hope at some point in the future, you'll be able to mend things a bit. Let it all calm down and everyone can get their heads together. Well done and enjoy your wine :-)

[Brinjal]

I am so sorry for you. Has your mum always been like that? How old is she. If she has always been like that then there isn't much that is going to change but if it is something newish could she have the onset of dementia. If this is her nature then sad and difficult as it maybe you need to step back as has been advised. Keep strong and look after your own wellbeing.