My Husband Is Driving Me Nuts

[Wendywoo52]

My oh has a few health issues. He has diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, copd, glaucoma and is slightly deaf. He is driving me nuts!!! He gets up in a morning and sits in his chair all day on his laptop with the television blaring out. He is very bad tempered and I am scared to ask him to turn it down in case he has a tantrum. The only thing he does in the house is the washing up after dinner. He never helps cook clean , wash iron vacuum or even make a cup of coffee . He wont go shopping because " he hates it" he wont go out for a meal or a drink because he says everything is too expensive he wont even let me buy a take away! He has always been quite controlling IF I argue with him about anything he just says well you know where the door is! He wont discuss anything and if I say anything to upset him he stops talking to me completely and this can go on for weeks. I find that very upsetting which is why I agree to most everything he says. He hates Christmas and has nothing to do with his own children ( we have both been married before) as "they are a waste of space and thoughtless! " We have been married 25years and he has always been like this to a degree (not helping etc) but when we were both working I could cope. Now we are both retired and at home all day we seem to be OK for a couple of weeks then he has another tantrum over something. Today it was because I asked him to help me reach the tree down and he said there was no need for the tree until Christmas Eve if at all as their is only us who will see it (my children live 100 miles away and do not come because he is not sociable with them and just continues on his laptop or watching tv. so they prefer me to go to them)
Do you think his illnesses are making him worse? Or do you think it is just age ? He is 70 but I am 10years younger. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just needed to off load and have no-one I can do it too. I cannot tell my family and we do not have any friends.

[DTCwordfan]

Sounds like you need a break.

Leave him a letter that outlines his postive points (why you got together) and then your frustrations. Ask him to think about it and that you will let him know where you are in 3 or 5 days..and that he is welcome to join you to discuss the way forward constructively.

I would stay with a friend, family, or, even better, a nice country Inn where you can relax, walk and think - and enjoy some nice food and wine.

[anneasquith]

oh dear, you poor thing,i wonder if he is depressed , as his health problems I assume restrict what he can do. or he may well just be a miserable old sod. id say if its the later, and he is capable of looking after himself, go and stay with your children for a while.

[pixie373]

I'm not surprised you're struggling. He intimidates you and has alienated your friends and family, so you are isolated too. I don't think it's down to his illnesses, as you say he has always been similar.
Whatever the reasons are though, he has no intention of changing it. I think you really need to decide if this is how you want to continue.
Personally, i would be strongly tempted to use the door and if you can, move closer to your family. You don't need this.

[Wendywoo52]

Thank you both. I am thinking of going away for a couple of days on my own somewhere. I do not want to go to my Mum or daughters as they will think it odd and want to know why. I am very depressed at the moment because of this. I was very ill a few years ago and find myself wishing I had never got better. I don't mean I would harm myself just that it might have been better just not to be here.

[DaisyNonna]

Wendy, take a deep breath, sit down and relax. Then tell him quietly that you do know where the door is and will be using it unless he discusses his behaviour with you. It is he who is thoughtless.
Do you have access to your joint money? Boil him an egg for his dinner and order a takeaway for yourself. Decorate the house and if he doesn't like it, tough. It is your home.
He is being a bully and nobody should have to put up with that.

[tamborine]

He's happy with TV & lappy, so you can shop as long as you like. Treat yourself to cafe/pub lunch and chat to all around you - thats great freedom, enjoy ;)

[sherrardk]

Just playing devil's advocate, can you imagine how you would feel if he suddenly died. If the thought upsets you then you can sort things out.

[Nini74]

Oh you poor thing! I definitely agree with the above comments - get away for a couple of days, stay in a nice Country Pub where you can relax, have breakfast, take a walk, then back to the pub for lunch. Within a couple of hours, you'll no doubt have got talking to some of the locals and make some new friends. Take a book, relax, chill out, do whatever YOU want to do. Whether his illness is making him worse is something only you can know - he probably doesn't see his behaviour as unreasonable, so you need to point it out to him. Explain what he's like. I, for one, got sick of my hubby criticising what felt like everything I did the other day, so I made a list headed "Things I've done wrong" - everything he said or moaned about, I wrote down on the list. Then I left the list out for him to see. By the end of the night we joked about it because he could see how unfair he'd been. Perhaps do something like that- "everything he's moaned about" or "everything he's stopped me doing" etc? I hope things improve for you shortly but as my mum always says, "life is not a dress rehearsal, make the most of it". Good luck to you xx

[DaisyNonna]

Not necessarily Sherr. I was upset when I heard my MiL had died. Not for myself but for her son and her grandchildren.

[pixie373]

After 25 years, any change will be a wrench at first. That doesn't make it wrong. Wendy needs to decide what she wants for the next 25 years. Not easy.

[elliemay1]

It's a pity that he has no connection with his children. Maybe you could phone them and explain that he has problems and ask them to visit. Has he any grandchildren?

[trt]

Wendy, what is the situation with the house, is it rented, or are you still paying for it?

[Canary42]

Having acted like a doormat for 25 years, you will find it very difficult to change things. My advice would be get out NOW and let him lie in the bed he's made.

[Wendywoo52]

We own our house out right but the thing is all the money we have coming in is his. We are both retired but I am not yet old enough for my state pension. I get carers allowance for him as because of his illness and I forgot he has bad knees as well he gets attendance allowance. He also has a private pension not big but enough. If I left I would have no money to live on as I think because I own half the house I wouldn't get any housing benefit. We do only have the house and a couple of thousand in the bank so not enough to support me. I do have access to it though. I have sobbed buckets tonight and I do think this may be the end. I have written a long letter and as I was reading it back I thought why am I here? Tonight he just walked out of the room without even saying goodnight. we do not share a room as he says I disturb him in the night. I am scared though of being alone. Deep breath....

[starone]

If he is that bad and you go off for a while he could change the locks and refuse to let you back. He has a lot of things wrong with him which does not make him very happy especially diabetes which my husband had and which made him subject to mood changes. In fact you have to be very careful in handling diabetics (sorry to anyone who has diabetes) because they can be capable of violence if they are having a hypo. Why did you marry him in the first place? Did he have all these things wrong or have they accumulated since? He must have had the same symptoms or at least some of them. I think it is the retirement that is the problem. You are thrown on each other's company and if you have no friends then you are a very lonely couple. If you can leave him for a while you should try to find other things to do. Join a club of some kind - there are plenty out there. Go to the local church. I am not religious but I go to the church functions. The local Baptist church have a lunch club once a month, a film club once a month and a coffee morning once a month. There is no charge although you are expected to put what you can afford in the collection box. The local Methodist have a lunch club every week for which they charge five pounds. It is not the activity that matters but the people you meet. Give it a try.

[Wendywoo52]

He was fit and healthy up to 5 years ago. It is 10 years since we retired. It is only really this last 2 years that it has got really bad. Maybe its me . Perhaps as I have got older I have become less tolerant? I think he would change the locks if I leave. I think if I once leave there will be no way back.

[starone]

Then you need to really think about it and make up your mind what you want to do. If you make up your mind to leave then prepare for it by finding a place to live and maybe a part-time job to pay your bills. If you don't mind what you do there are some jobs out there. Don't just walk out without preparing or you will find yourself in a worse situation than you are now. It might be a good idea to get some legal advice. The citizen's advice bureau might be able to advise you on this (I'm not sure what they can do but it would do no harm to go and ask.)

[scorpiojo]

Wendy, why would you be scared of being alone? You would be able to see more of your children and to make new friends without the pressure of him making them feel unwelcome or sulking because you weren't doing what he wanted you to do and you would be able to do what you wanted to and when. If you decide to leave, get advice from a solicitor and a Citizens Advice Bureau about where you stand with housing benefits and other benefits you would be entitled to, and also whether you could put the house up for sake and split the money 50/50. Perhaps you could move closer to your children? As pixie said, it will be a wrench but it can only change for the better. You sound so lonely and possibly suffering from depression? Would you go and talk to your GP and consider taking a short course of anti-depressants? Have a good think about what you would be leaving behind and think about what you would gain if you decide to leave him. You could always phone the Samaritans if you don't have anyone to talk to about the situation. Find some happiness Wendy, you deserve it and good luck.

[Wendywoo52]

Thank you all for listening to me ranting. I just needed a shoulder, because realistically I know what I should do. I am not a stupid woman but emotionally I am like a 5 years old . I am going to go to bed now and look into my options in the morning and you are right he is a bully just because its emotional not physical doesn't make it Ok does it?. ps I have stopped sobbing xxx

[scorpiojo]

Rant away Wendy, there's always someone here to talk to. Have a good nights' sleep.