Relationship Dilema - Romantic vs Logic (LONG POST)

[Avocado]

I have reccently broken up with my boyfriend because I'm crazy about someone else. Or thought I was. My boyfriend was the nicest guy you'd ever hope to meet, we had a great, fun relationship and it tore me apart having to do it. The other reason is that we're going to different Uni's next year - Stoke-on-Trent vs London.

 

I've been hung up on the other guy for about a year and started dating because I thought I was over him. He turned round and said he had seroius feelings for me. I told my boyfriend, we both got upset but the next day pretended nothing had happened. We then had a talk about the immediate future and came to the unspoken agreement that because of the move the relationship wouldn't last. A few weeks later I broke up with him. The man I'm crazy about is quite different, he's not so openly affectionate and the dynamics are completley different. He does genuinly care though. I'm just going through an awful patch because I don't know if I've done the right thing. I miss the other relationship, and I feel SO bad doing that to him. We still see each other and we're friendly, but I wake up at night after having a dream packed with guilt about it. I obsess about whether I've done the right thing. I know that the easiest choice isn't necesarily the best choice, and the right choice may be the harder path, and I have to live with my actions; but I keep wondering if I have come to the right decision. I can imagine myself 20 years down the line with this guy, and perhaps a year, tops with the other, but now I have him, especially since it isn't, or hasn't yet got to the really comfortable stage, I wonder even more. I know I took a gamble but I keep wondering if my feelings are still there for him.

[Avocado]

 

The above continued...

 

I've been bessotted with him for a year, and when something major happens he has always come to me, and we've almost go it together, and I'm just thinking, that the fact it doesn't feel quite so amazing now I've got him is just that reason, I've got him, and that the passion I had is still there, just not quite so obvious, and it needs time to grow and develop, but then I wonder if that's just me, in denial that I've lost feeling for him, or if the guilt of what I did to my boyfriend is clouding or has even killed it. I've been given an amazing opportunity: to be with the man I'm mad about, and perhaps this is life, giving me an obstacle or penance. I think that in a book, the same choice would be made, a feeling over a good relationship with someone you don't fel as strongly about. Long ter vs short term perhaps.

• How do you find out if you still have feelings for someone, esp when you feel so guilty about choosing them
  
• How do you know if you've made the right choice
  
• How do you feel comfotable with making that choice, esp when you've really hurt someone who doesn't deserve it.
  
• Was I stupid for running away with a feelings and romantic notions when I had a wonderful relationship already.
  

The choice I've made makes sense if you look at it romantically, but not when you look at it loiclly.

Does anyone else have any experience of this, as I have had none of these kind of feelings for someone before, it's hard to know if I've done the right thing, or whether I've just done a weak-willed selfish thing.

[georgit79]

After reading your (very long!) post, I think what's best for you right now is to be alone. You said you're off to uni soon, where you're going to meet loads of new people. Also, it's never a good idea to jump straight from one serious relationship into a brand new one. You need to give youself some space to think, to live, and to realise exactly what it is you want. You can't do this with anyone else there too.

[Hendrix55]

Georgit79's advice is very sensible I think, but in your position I don't think I could make myself take it - I'd want to be with one or the other. 

It sounds like your feelings are for the new guy, but you are plagued by guilt and that is obscuring them, and making it seem like you feel more for the old guy than you really do.

It is horrible when you end a relationship, and natural to feel a bit guilty, but that's enough now - these things happen - learn from it so that you behave better in future, and enjoy your new relationship.

[Avocado]

Thanks, it's been a few weeks now and I'm starting to feel better about it. I tho=ink you're right Hendrix about the guilt making me feel like I had more feelings than I actually do and thinking about it, like georgit said it's being alone that you realies what you feel. When I was with my ex it was lovely, when I wasn't I didn't want to be in the relationship, so I guess if you judge your true feelings by how you feel when you're not with them, then I did the right thing. I hope :D

[Avocado]

Quick update a year later - still together and in a really good place. New guy was the right choice :D

[petes_dragon]

Avocado, that's great - glad you got a happy ending

A xXx