Really Upset Re Teen Smow : (

[Smowball]

Teen smow has gone to stay with his day for half the school holidays (dad lives 2 hrs away and he does this every year). Dad doesn't work and never has done. Claims every benefit going, has house paid for , has never paid a penny maintenance in 13 years and makes a tidy sum every week by going to auctions, buying God knows what and then doing loads of car boot sales etc. I do not like his father one bit but am always polite for my sons sake.

Ive just had a txt from my son, saying that after he's come home to get his exam results on 25th August he's almost certainly going to go back to live with his dad permanently . Not quite believing what I was reading I've replied saying Im very confused and don't understand, and that we need to talk on the phone as this isn't a txt kind of conversation. He's replied saying ok, that there is nothing wrong at home here but he just thinks it "would make more of a man of me" . ?? Those were his exact words.

Everything here is all set up for September - 6th form place ready to take A levels if he gets the right grades, and a college place lined up for a career in Plumbing as a back up plan.

I just can't stop crying - his dad is an absolute dead beat and I cannot understand why on earth he has decided to do this and basically throw everything away.

[andy-hughes]

Teenagers are often confused about the world, and their place in it, and this can make them vulnerable to the notion of a 'change' being a good thing.

Obviously it's hard to comment without knowing any of the people involved, but it sounds like Dad has been giving him the archaic and fool-headed 'Living with a woman will make you a sissy ...' speech, and Teen Smo is swayed by the apparent attraction of what may be an easier household regime.

You will obviously have a long talk with him when he comes home, with the emphasis on what is best for Teen Smo. You have to ease off on the 'I know best ...' angle - clearly you do, but he won't appreciate that at his age!

Then you have to try and sell the bigger picture - almost impossible with a teenager who can't see past next weekend.

If the worst happens, he may be back when he has a taste and finds you were right all along - but hopefully you can talk sense to him before then.

[Smowball]

I can just picture the chat they've had - "your mum and step dad work really really hard to pay the bills, house etc and look ive got no qualifications yet I get all my rent and council tax paid for, have plenty to live on each week, live in the countryside, get up when I want, do what I want....." I could actually scream!!

[andy-hughes]

Indeed Smoball - you and lillions of other mums who slog themselves round the clock to provide a mature and stable upbringing for their child, only to have a feckless absent person pour scorn all over it at every opportunity.

Hopefully, when he gets home, away from the 'wonderful' atmosphere, he will think a little more clearly.

It may be an extended version of my youngest daughter's six year old who knows here partner as Daddy, but has to refer to her ex-husband as 'Daddy' when he goes to stay every other weekend, otherwise he is shouted at.

Children learn the path of least resistance, but they can be reasoned with as teenagers, and hopefully the strength of your realistic relationship will win through.

[ummmm]

Don't be upset. Let him learn the hard way. Just make sure you keep the lines of communication open.

What looks attractive to him at the moment will probably feel like mayhem in a few months time. x

[seekeerz]

Easy to say i know, *** hard to avoid but .....don't scream at teen snow, however appealing.

How old is teen Smow....17 - 18 ? Has he ever said anything to make you think he admires his dads way of life ....they get some odd ideas in their teens and often not working for a living seems a fun thing to do but it comes back to bite them down the track .

Let him tell you what he wants/expects from life but oh my dear you have my sympathy ...I'd be screaming too !! Good luck.

[elliemay1]

Good advice from ummm

[Smowball]

I'm definitely not going to shout at him. But if he doesn't start 6th form on September he can't suddenly decide to go three months later.

[Smowball]

Seekers he will be 17 nxt month

[Patsy33]

Ask him to at least wait till his A levels are done, then in the mean time try and reason with him calmly. If he's made his mind up, the I afraid you'll just have to let him go. He has to find out himself, good or bad. I do feel for you.

[Kathyan]

I had a similar problem with my, then, 13 year old son His father and I split up and he moved away. Our son went to stay with him for the six week holidays and decided that he wanted to live with his father. As my son I didn't get on that well (clash of personalities!) I decided to let him go. I only found out many years later that the reason he wanted to go was that he was being bullied at school and he couldn't tell me! I have always regretted the fact that I didn't fight for him to stay with me, but on the other hand it gave him a way out of the bullying problem. I still wish he had been able to talk to me about it, but he couldn't and I have to live with that. Hope you get it sorted Smowball.

[hc4361]

He can't just leave school at his age. If he does go to live with his dad some form of education or training will have to be in place.

[Old_Geezer]

Upsetting though it is bound to be, don't beat yourself up. He's not had the permanent male viewpoint as he matured and obviously feels it is missing in his life and he wishes to cirrect that. I think many would want to get a balanced view from both parents, both genders. He'll choose what he needs to do for now.

The education thing is a concern and you should discuss that when you two converse. Maybe suggest that the timing is at it's worst at this point. Rather than simply refuse to consider his stay with the father whom you disapprove of.

It makes sense to build that foundation of education/career and then decide whether to fill in any blanks in his life.

Good luck, and remember, it's not any reflection on you that he's making, it's simply making his own decisions in his life.

[Smowball]

Exactly - he hasn't thought this through. Going to call him at 3

[Old_Geezer]

Oh and yes, if he's still 13 he's limited in what he can decide. But he's young for 6th form and college isn't he ? I'm a little confused there.

[atalanta]

Sounds as if the father wants to claim child benefit, and to get maintenance for the lad from you. The father must have been very persuasive - I wonder if the lad will be able to tell you how his father has persuaded him ?

[hc4361]

OG, he's 16

[Olivio]

Why the over worrying? He might still turn out to be a good man with morals and a great professional life ahead of him.

I say let him stay, see how it goes and if he then starts straying off the straight and narrow and picking up bad habits and morals then it's time to take hard evasive actions.

Good luck!

[Old_Geezer]

Ah. The "paid nothing in 13 years" threw me.
Maintenance didn't occur to me. Surely Smow wouldn't be getting a demand ? Maybe a side issue to bring up in the conversation, especially as nothing's ever gone the other way.

[Smowball]

He has no college/6th form place /job at his dad's - nothing!

[Answerprancer]

No matter how much of a "dead beat" you think his father is, a boy needs a male role model in his life at some point, it's natural and he has obviously made the decision to vote with his feet. I think you need to keep strong and a 'stiff upper lip' otherwise he'll pick up on your sadness and then you might heap loads of guilt onto him.
I hope it all settles out for you somehow and he at least comes back to visit his mum regularly :-)