Quizzes & Puzzles6 mins ago
All this in two days
21 Answers
Help I need some serious joke telling to cheer me up.
In the last two days some rotten git has reversed into my car in a car park and driven off not leaving any kind of note or anything. �650 quids worth of damage and just to top it all the bank have rung me to inform that some other nice git has cloned my bank card and had a nice liitle spending spree over the weekend! Don't think someone up above likes me at the moment.
In the last two days some rotten git has reversed into my car in a car park and driven off not leaving any kind of note or anything. �650 quids worth of damage and just to top it all the bank have rung me to inform that some other nice git has cloned my bank card and had a nice liitle spending spree over the weekend! Don't think someone up above likes me at the moment.
Answers
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A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?'Asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the G�rda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, 'How are
In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?'Asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the G�rda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, 'How are
Hey Poison-Ivy,
Here goes. I hope no one takes offence, apologies in advance!
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over 5 years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided
to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist,
Dr.Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, 'OK, take off all
your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. 'Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf
sex or dates.'
The woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
Here goes. I hope no one takes offence, apologies in advance!
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over 5 years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided
to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist,
Dr.Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, 'OK, take off all
your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. 'Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf
sex or dates.'
The woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
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-- answer removed --
A newlywed young couple found themselves very short of money and were tossing around ideas to make a few pounds.
The guy suggested that his wife go on the game temporarily. After some initial resistance she gave in and her husband dropped her off at a place they had decided might be worth trying. As she got out of the car he said if she needed to call him , he would be just around the corner and that she must charge no less than a hundred pounds.
After the wife had been standing there a few minutes a car pulled up and the driver asked if she was doing business. She said she was and that it would cost a hundred pounds.
The guy dug around in his pockets and wallet but all he could come up with was thirty pounds, he asked her what he could get for that. " Just wait there a minute" said the woman and ran round the corner. She explained to her husband that she had a customer, but he only had thirty pounds and asks what she could do for that. The husband told her to offer the guy a hand job. She ran back to the waiting man and told him about the hand job, he agreed and she got in his car. The guy unzipped his trousers and to the woman's amazement, he took out the biggest c o c k she had ever seen in her life. She said to the guy"Hold everything right there !" and ran back round to her husbands car and asked breathlessly..... "Can you lend me seventy quid ????"
The guy suggested that his wife go on the game temporarily. After some initial resistance she gave in and her husband dropped her off at a place they had decided might be worth trying. As she got out of the car he said if she needed to call him , he would be just around the corner and that she must charge no less than a hundred pounds.
After the wife had been standing there a few minutes a car pulled up and the driver asked if she was doing business. She said she was and that it would cost a hundred pounds.
The guy dug around in his pockets and wallet but all he could come up with was thirty pounds, he asked her what he could get for that. " Just wait there a minute" said the woman and ran round the corner. She explained to her husband that she had a customer, but he only had thirty pounds and asks what she could do for that. The husband told her to offer the guy a hand job. She ran back to the waiting man and told him about the hand job, he agreed and she got in his car. The guy unzipped his trousers and to the woman's amazement, he took out the biggest c o c k she had ever seen in her life. She said to the guy"Hold everything right there !" and ran back round to her husbands car and asked breathlessly..... "Can you lend me seventy quid ????"
An out of work pianist with Turrets Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening performances".
"F*cking get in there you c*nt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar. "Get the f*cking manager of this pigsh*t middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir" he says.
"Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker."
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"
"That song was called 'Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'"
"Oh" says the manager "err, can you play me another. Something a little less lively.
"W*nker.." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager, through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
"That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*tbox you get crap on your bell end.'"
"I see" says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"
"Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to split your ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs'".
"Look" says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little racy. I will hire you on the condition that
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening performances".
"F*cking get in there you c*nt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar. "Get the f*cking manager of this pigsh*t middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir" he says.
"Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker."
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"
"That song was called 'Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'"
"Oh" says the manager "err, can you play me another. Something a little less lively.
"W*nker.." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager, through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
"That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*tbox you get crap on your bell end.'"
"I see" says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"
"Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to split your ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs'".
"Look" says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little racy. I will hire you on the condition that
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says.
"Hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and ***** is dribbling onto your shoes?"
"Know it?" says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
"I f*cking wrote it!!!"
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says.
"Hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and ***** is dribbling onto your shoes?"
"Know it?" says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
"I f*cking wrote it!!!"
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