The AnswerBank Christmas Crackers

[AB Editor]

Merry Christmas!

I would like to collect together as many rubbish christmas-cracker style jokes as we can.

Remember, they've got to be short enough to go on an unreasonably small piece of paper in tiny print and be entirely rubbish.

I'll start with a couple of old "favourites":

What flies and wobbles?
A Jellycopter

What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A Walkie-Talkie

[squarebear]

What part of the fish didn't Napoleon like?
The "bony part"

What do you get if you cross a detective with a skeleton?
Sherlock Bones

[jackthehat]

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes ?
A nervous wreck.

[B00]

Whats green, square, has 4 legs and would hurt if it fell on you from a tree?

A pool table.

[jackthehat]

What's yellow and dangerous ?
Shark-infesred custard.

How do you catch a monkey ?
Hang upside down in a tree and make a noise like a banana.

[jackthehat]

Do I need to say that I should have typed *infested ?

[Barmaid]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug

[Prudie]

Who lives in the sea and sings 'Gimme the Moonlight'
Frankie Prawn

[factor-fiction]

I got one many years ago which I'm still trying to work out.
Q- What did the policeman say to the Mince Spy?
A- You're under a Vest

Did two different jokes get mixed up or was it a mistranslation? Or am I missing the obvious?

[sir.prize]

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
A: Eileen.

Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
A: Irene.

[micmak]

How do you confuse an Irish man?
Show him 2 shovels and tell him to take his pick.

[AB Editor]

This is cracking!

What has one wheel and hums?
A wheelbarrow full of manure

[ummmm]

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk...

[mazie]

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

[Davethedog]

Q) Whats Santa's favorite Pizza

A) One that's deep pan, crisp and even

[Davethedog]

What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean

What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut

What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us!

What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell

What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy to be with.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.

Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer

Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews

What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters

[mazie]

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can 'ho ho ho'!

[Vicasso]

What's the difference between Bahrain and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Bahrain don't like the Flintstones, whereas the people of Abu Dhabi doo!

[squarebear]

What has 4 wheels and flies?

A dustbin lorry.

[mazie]

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

[mazie]

What did Santa say to the smoker?

Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!