Do I have a problem?

[milly1984]

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. Last year we had a few problems, he use to get really stressed and he lied about a few things which some people may think are quite small things, but the fact I found out off his friend that he lied hurt me so much. He'd lied about things for most of 2004. He got upset saying he lied in fear that I'd leave him if I knew the truth etc. We are still together and I do love him but I get so paranoid at every little thing now when I'm not with him thinking he's telling his little lies again, and I also get really jealous if I find out he's been speaking to another girl. I think maybe that is because one of the things he lied about was going round to a girls house. She is married with a child so I trust that he didn't cheat, they have been friends for years but I hate that he lied about seeing her! I feel like sometimes I could just break down in tears, I did do when I first found out and so did he, and I wonder if it's worth us being together. Things are good between us right now, but it's always playing in the back of my mind. He is not the cheating type at all I know that, but I thought I knew him better and could trust him and to find things out which I was totally unaware about hurt me alot. Can anyone please help?

[undercovers]

milly don't you think this has been going on long enough - your too old to be bogged down with these immature relationship problems, i think you should look into the possibility of seeing a someone you can take to about your insecurities and the problems they create for your relationship. You seem quite self destructive (from previous question) and unhappy and i think your trying to control your bf and relationship with an iron fist which you know will eventually destroy the "partnership" (if that is what you can call this) - as i said before i feel sorry for you and your bf, but i really think you should stop seeing this as a problem with him and share some responsibility, as you talk about your trust in him but theaten to dump him if you ever find out he smokes still... a relationship on these terms cannot work, and i would suggest that communication with you is difficult when you are in your present emotional state, seek help and support from a professional detached person. all the best

[natalie_1982]

Milly I agree with undercovers I think you need help - I know from personal experience that you will only push him away by being like this - I have been on the receiving end. 

We all get self-conscious and jealous, from time to time, it's natural defence for the ones we love but you cannot live like this.  It's not fair on you or him.  I think any person finds it hard to live with a controlling partner, and it only makes things worse because he then feels he has to hide things from you (can you imagine how you would feel if you were him?).  I know I would hide things from you to protect you and to stop you getting upset (even though there is nothing to be upset about).

I hope you sort it out and don't let it go on, because you will both wind up hurting and suspecting and hiding things from eachother, and that is no basis for a trusting, loving and fulfilling relationship.

[Englishbird]

My ex partner was a liar, and not just about the small things, but his lies ate away at me.

Trust is the most important thing in any relationship - friends or lovers - and lack of trust poisons everything around it.

If what the other guys have written touches a nerve then there is obviously more going, they obviously know you better than i do.  But purely in answer to your question, If you cannot trust him, you will never be happy with him.

[FP]

Agree entirely with Englishbird

[purification]

I have yet to read any previous posts so I am only going off this post.......... whilst I agree with natalie_1982 and undercovers above posts I can also see that you are probably only in this state of mind because of the lies he told you. The lies will niggle at you, no matter how big or small, if you have lost trust in your relationship. Deep down you are still craving answers to why he lied, even about the small things because the answers of " didn't want to loose you"; "didn't want to hurt you"  " was for your own good" can also be seen as "covering up" to prevent you being hurt by the real truth! I'm not saying your fella is lying. But these answers are not final and you will always question yourself, especially since those kinda answers also make you believe you are partly to blame. it was his decision to lie, for what ever reason he thought it best not to tell the truth. If he thought you'd leave if you knew the truth he obviously knew he was doing something wrong! Whether this is a glitch in your relationship or his personality I am unsure of and only you can decide. 

First and foremost, try talkin to him.  Explain how you feel. I think it's about time you both faced up to honesty!

A little time out from each other may also do you good. It may force him to realise what he's loosing by lying and it could make you realise that you have no need to doubt him! What ever the case you're both on a path to destruction and things need to change.

I wish you all the best of luck! :)  Like I said this is only one persons advice, others may agree or disagree but I hope you find some reassurance and guidance in something somebodys puts and manage to resolve things as best you can!    

[milly1984]

Thank you all for your answers so far, they are much appreciated. I think the main problem is that I'm scared to death of getting hurt, my boyfriend was having problems at the time and he could be very aggressive in the way he shouted at me when he was pi**ed off about something and that hurt alot, he use to bottle his feelings and emotions up and then take things out on me. His parents split up and I was always trying to be there for him. So I felt really rejected sometimes at the way he acted. Things between us now are really good, we have talked and he said he totally wants an 100% honest relationship and we both regret that things got so out of hand. We truly love each other and I know things have been stronger between us since everything came to the surface, there's just always a little part of my mind that keeps flicking back to what happened, and I just wish I could forget it all but I can't seem to.

[mary2005]

Tell him to **** off you are worth more than that. I dont like to say this but do you think there is a chance this child from his 'friend' is actually his? may explain why they are so close...

[Gevs1966]

If things between you are really good and you are BOTH making an effort why are you posting questions on the internet asking if you have got problems hoping for peoples reassurance. You say your boyfriend doesn't tell you things. Do you tell him that you openly and often talk about him and your relationship over the internet with complete strangers? I would be very surprised if you did and I'd be even more surprised if he didn't mind.

 

From what I can gather about you from all your questions that I have read it sounds to me like it is your insecurity causing any problems and not your boyfriend.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean to be but that is just the impression I get from you.

[milly1984]

I know the child definitely isn't his, I know who the father is as he dumped her as soon as she told him she was pregnant! Then she got married to an older man who the child knows as his dad. They have been friends since they were little kids, she had a massive go at my fella for lying to me she's a nice girl, I don't hold her responsible for anything. It just hurts he lied about seeing her along with other things. She said he only went to her house about 4 times last year so I'm probably making that seem like a bigger deal than what it really is.

And no, my boyfriend doesn't know I ask for advice but I do so because I value all of your opinions! And yes, I am a little insecure and so is he, I need to know how to get over it. But this incident has made me more insecure.

[mary2005]

well thats something!!

maybe the answer is to move on...easier said than done though i know. if its ok now thats great but do you spend more time unhappy than happy?? if so, i think the answer is obvious. I think deep down you know what to do its just actually doing it and sticking to it

[mary2005]

maybe go for counselling - understand the reasons for your insecurity and find ways of dealing with it. I know how you feel i get jealous of the most ridiculous things but sometimes you cant help it. If you dont trust someone no matter how much you love them it is destined to end in tears.

[milly1984]

Well right now mary2005, we are actually spending most of our time happy, it just keeps playing on my mind from time to time and I wind myself up about it.

[Gevs1966]

You might value our opinions and most of us are glad to give them but don't you think this is pot calling the kettle black a bit. He could very well see you talking about him like this behind his back as a massive breach of trust on your part. I would be extremely p"ssed off and would class it as far worse then seeing an old friend and just not mentioning it.

 

Mary25 are you a Bridget Jones fan by any chance?

[milly1984]

From everything I have said, do I have reason to feel the way I do? Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hole so to speak?

[milly1984]

Understandable Gevs, but I know for sure my boyfriend would not mind me asking for advice. In fact I will tell him tonight and get back to you tomorrow.

[mary2005]

HAHA gevs1966 well i think there is a bit of Bridget in all of us! just makes sense to me thats all! think us girls need to talk and i personally dont see a prob discussing this here as long as we are also open to talking about it with our partners

[Gevs1966]

My point is, why are you asking for advice when everything is going well??? Now you are in a situation where if you tell him you have been asking for advice on problems that aren't there you will make him really insecure too and that will benefit nobody.

 

Yes I do think you are making mountains out of molehills.

[milly1984]

Gevs, things are going well, but like I said it still plays in the back of my mind. We've talked about it over and over, what more can he do other than try and explain why he did it?? That is why I am turning to you guys for your opinions on how to get rid of this insecure feeling and how to feel better within myself.

[mary2005]

only my opinion but i think it lies deeper than your boyfriend. Have you felt like this in other relationships?

[milly1984]

No I haven't. But then again, he is the first guy I know I have ever truly loved.