relationship advice needed

[total novice]

I didnt know which topic to put this under. But here i go all the same. I got married in July this year and i thought i had a brilliant relationship with my husband we have a laugh we are the best of friends as well as lovers. The problem is today he has told me about a year ago he went with another woman while we were enagaged to be married. My world has been turned upside down i love him so much and he has said it was a mistake and he loves me and wants our marriage to work I hope someone has some advice for me to get past this and save my marriage.

[oldwoman]

Why has he told you now. Somethings we would rather be ignorant of. If it has been niggling at the back of his mind I think he should have told you before the wedding so you could have made the decision to marry or not. If you are going to make your marriage work you are going to have to put this to the back of your mind and never mention it again. It will mean a lot of trust on your part. They say Love conquers all, I have put up with a lot in my 36 years of marriage but we are still together.

[sophie_1003]

aww poor you! I always wonder what I'd do if my boyfriend suddenly told me he'd cheated on me a few years ago and I honestly dunno what I'd do! I suppose it's really a question of whether you'll be able to trust him again, especially as he's kept it from you, just focus on the fact that he's finally plucked up the courage to tell you and he accepts the fact that it was a mistake, at least he's not trying to justify it! I hope it works out OK, try posting this question in body&soul, you should get some good answers there!

[A Chill Wind]

I'd take it over to Body & Soul as that's where most of the relationship questions end up. I can kind of see the other side to this, though Mr Total Novice's timing probably leaves a lot to be desired. Trust is a fragile object but it can sometimes be repaired in the right hands.

I wish you luck.

[Minxie]

I ask the same question as oldwoman....WHY did he tell you know.... But I guess whats in your mind, is WHY did he go with someone else whilst engaged to you.

A similar thing happened to me, so I can totally sympathise with you. Its the getting past it, is the really hard bit.

[raysparx1]

Hi,

Looking at it from a blokes point of view,it sounds like a guilty conscience and he wants to clear the air for the future, I know when I was going to get married,I had no doubt I loved the girl I was marrying and she was the one for me, BUT,the sudden realisation that my "pulling days" were over was a real shock to the system,so whenever I went out with mates I would chat to girls to see if I still "had it"
I never crossed the line,never even kissed them,your hubby did, the guilt thing is the only reason I can see, but then I am a bloke and we are a bit thick at times,really hope you can work through this, good luck and take care, Ray

[noxlumos]

Yeah I agree with Ray, he's told you because he feels guilty and he feels guilty because he loves you so much. No-one would have a problem lying to someone they didn't care about , but he obviously DOES care about you hence the revelation. It's in the past. If you are happy now then don't let this spoil it for you. He's been very honest which is what women always say they want, now work forward through it with him and have a great life together.

[jno]

I wouldn't be quite so forgiving as some other users: if you can stand hearing it, it might be worth worming a bit more information out of him about exactly why he did what he did (the other woman, I mean, rather than why he told you - I guess guilty conscience was behind that). This would leave you better able to assess how likely it is that it might happen again, which is what you really want to know. If he's seriously regretful and apologetic, he should go along with this for the purpose of repairing your relationship.

But don't despair, it happened before your marriage, not after, and may well have been some sort of pre-stag night fling, as ray suggests. And the fact that he has a conscience is a major plus.

[total novice]

thank you for your lovely answers. I just dont know how to get past this i love him and he loves me but i have the image in my head.

I dont want to bring it up in disaggreements we have in the future and start being possessive and jealous as i have never been that way with him before. I just wish i knew how you work through things like this without breaking up.