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Yule Laugh! - The Answerbank's Christmas Cracker Jokes
What's the grammatical term for Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas dance?
Because he had no body to go with!
One snowman talking to another paused and said "can you smell carrots?"
What's the Duke of Edinburgh's middle name?
Of.
What flies and wobbles?
A Jellycopter.
What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A Walkie-Talkie.
What part of the fish didn't Napoleon like?
The "bony part".
What do you get if you cross a detective with a skeleton?
Sherlock Bones.
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes ?
A nervous wreck.
What's green, square, has 4 legs and would hurt if it fell on you from a tree?
A pool table.
What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard.
How do you catch a monkey?
Hang upside down in a tree and make a noise like a banana.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.
Who lives in the sea and sings 'Gimme the Moonlight'
Frankie Prawn.
What did the policeman say to the Mince Spy?
You're under a vest.
What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen.
How do you confuse an Irish man?
Show him 2 shovels and tell him to take his pick.
What has one wheel and hums?
A wheelbarrow full of manure.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk...
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.
What's Santa's favourite Pizza
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean.
What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut.
What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us!
What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell.
What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney.
What do you call a man with brown paper trousers and a car on his head?
Jack Russell.
Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy.
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer.
Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews.
What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
What's the difference between Bahrain and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Bahrain don't like the Flintstones, whereas the people of Abu Dhabi do!
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A dustbin lorry.
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
Which side of a chicken has more feathers?
The outside!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
"I don't like Brussels sprouts!"
What do you call 2 men on a wall over a window?
Kurt n Rod.
Christmas - Because getting socks at any other time of year is just silly!
How does an Eskimo make his house?
'e glues it together.
Why is hunting on horses the sport of kings?
'Cos they have long reins.
What do you call an Irish joiners daughter?
Patio doors.
How do you say 'hungry horse' in 4 letters?
M T G G
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!
What is the best Xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
What do snowmen where on their heads?
Ice caps!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
What do you call a lady balancing a pint of Guinness on her head?
Beatrix (Beer Tricks)
What do you call a lady balancing a pint of Guinness on her head playing snooker?
Beatrix Potter
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
Subordinate Clauses.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas dance?
Because he had no body to go with!
One snowman talking to another paused and said "can you smell carrots?"
What's the Duke of Edinburgh's middle name?
Of.
What flies and wobbles?
A Jellycopter.
What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A Walkie-Talkie.
What part of the fish didn't Napoleon like?
The "bony part".
What do you get if you cross a detective with a skeleton?
Sherlock Bones.
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes ?
A nervous wreck.
What's green, square, has 4 legs and would hurt if it fell on you from a tree?
A pool table.
What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard.
How do you catch a monkey?
Hang upside down in a tree and make a noise like a banana.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.
Who lives in the sea and sings 'Gimme the Moonlight'
Frankie Prawn.
What did the policeman say to the Mince Spy?
You're under a vest.
What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen.
How do you confuse an Irish man?
Show him 2 shovels and tell him to take his pick.
What has one wheel and hums?
A wheelbarrow full of manure.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk...
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.
What's Santa's favourite Pizza
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean.
What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut.
What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us!
What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell.
What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney.
What do you call a man with brown paper trousers and a car on his head?
Jack Russell.
Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy.
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer.
Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews.
What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
What's the difference between Bahrain and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Bahrain don't like the Flintstones, whereas the people of Abu Dhabi do!
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A dustbin lorry.
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
Which side of a chicken has more feathers?
The outside!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
"I don't like Brussels sprouts!"
What do you call 2 men on a wall over a window?
Kurt n Rod.
Christmas - Because getting socks at any other time of year is just silly!
How does an Eskimo make his house?
'e glues it together.
Why is hunting on horses the sport of kings?
'Cos they have long reins.
What do you call an Irish joiners daughter?
Patio doors.
How do you say 'hungry horse' in 4 letters?
M T G G
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!
What is the best Xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
What do snowmen where on their heads?
Ice caps!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
What do you call a lady balancing a pint of Guinness on her head?
Beatrix (Beer Tricks)
What do you call a lady balancing a pint of Guinness on her head playing snooker?
Beatrix Potter
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
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What's round and bad tempered?
A vicious circle.
What does the word minimum mean?
A very small mother.
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like Jammin too.
What is an ig?
An igloo without a loo.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the bacon slicer?
He got a little behind with his orders.
Buddha goes up to the hot-dog stand and says to the chef
"Make me one with everything."
Why do elephants have Big Ears?
Cos Noddy won't pay the ransom!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers.
Shakespeare goes into a pub
Landlord says 'Get out, yer bard.'
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What stands in the middle of Paris and wobbles?
The Trifle Tower.
Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Then pull yourself together.
Why was the Egyptian girl worried?
Because her Daddy was a Mummy!
Which is the strongest, scariest fish in the sea?
The Codfather!
"Doctor, doctor, I can't say my Fs, Ts and Hs."
Doctor - "Well you can't say fairer than that then."
Did you hear about the wimpy custard?
It got upset over a trifle
Why did the baby biscuit cry?
Because it's Mummy was a wafer so long.
What did the biscuit say when its friend got run over?
Crumbs!
What do you stuff a parrot with?
Polyfilla.
What does a vampire have for breakfast?
Readyneck.
What's black & white & eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Why don't polar bears eat penguins?
Because they can't get the wrappers off.
How do you get two whales in a mini?
Across the Severn Bridge.
What do you call a man with mince pies stuck in his ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you.
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year?
It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's the difference between a fireman and a soldier
You can't dip a fireman in your egg.
What did the policemen say to the belly button?
You're under a vest.
What's the fastest cake?
S'gone! (scone)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonkey!
What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red?
A red carnation.
Where do sheep go to get their wool cut?
To the baa baas!
What's big, hairy and flies?
King Kongcorde!
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Clause!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!
What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santa on his birthday?
"Freeze a jolly good fellow!"
What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!
Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!
Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!
What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle!
Why does Santa have a white beard?
So he can hide at the North Pole!
What smells most in a chimney?
Santa's nose!
What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!
What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-"toast"!
Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won't take themselves!
What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!
What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!
What's red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like "rain", "Dear"!
What's red and green and flies?
An airsick Santa Claus!
How does Santa take pictures?
With his North "Pole"-aroid!
What's round and bad tempered?
A vicious circle.
What does the word minimum mean?
A very small mother.
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like Jammin too.
What is an ig?
An igloo without a loo.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the bacon slicer?
He got a little behind with his orders.
Buddha goes up to the hot-dog stand and says to the chef
"Make me one with everything."
Why do elephants have Big Ears?
Cos Noddy won't pay the ransom!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers.
Shakespeare goes into a pub
Landlord says 'Get out, yer bard.'
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What stands in the middle of Paris and wobbles?
The Trifle Tower.
Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Then pull yourself together.
Why was the Egyptian girl worried?
Because her Daddy was a Mummy!
Which is the strongest, scariest fish in the sea?
The Codfather!
"Doctor, doctor, I can't say my Fs, Ts and Hs."
Doctor - "Well you can't say fairer than that then."
Did you hear about the wimpy custard?
It got upset over a trifle
Why did the baby biscuit cry?
Because it's Mummy was a wafer so long.
What did the biscuit say when its friend got run over?
Crumbs!
What do you stuff a parrot with?
Polyfilla.
What does a vampire have for breakfast?
Readyneck.
What's black & white & eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Why don't polar bears eat penguins?
Because they can't get the wrappers off.
How do you get two whales in a mini?
Across the Severn Bridge.
What do you call a man with mince pies stuck in his ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you.
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year?
It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's the difference between a fireman and a soldier
You can't dip a fireman in your egg.
What did the policemen say to the belly button?
You're under a vest.
What's the fastest cake?
S'gone! (scone)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonkey!
What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red?
A red carnation.
Where do sheep go to get their wool cut?
To the baa baas!
What's big, hairy and flies?
King Kongcorde!
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Clause!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!
What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santa on his birthday?
"Freeze a jolly good fellow!"
What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!
Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!
Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!
What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle!
Why does Santa have a white beard?
So he can hide at the North Pole!
What smells most in a chimney?
Santa's nose!
What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!
What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-"toast"!
Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won't take themselves!
What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!
What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!
What's red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like "rain", "Dear"!
What's red and green and flies?
An airsick Santa Claus!
How does Santa take pictures?
With his North "Pole"-aroid!
AND MORE:
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!
Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
The North Poll!
What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!
Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!
What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!
How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
Stacks!
What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
Santa Clues!
Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!
What do elves learn in school
The elf-abet!
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel)!
What Christmas Carol is a favourite of parents?
Silent Night!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claus-trophobic!
What's furry and tastes of mint?
A polo bear.
why are seagulls called seagulls?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bayguls!
Man walks into a shop and asks for a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps.
Shopkeeper replies "sorry, I've only got plane"
Who is the leader of the Hankeys?
The Hankycheif!
What do you need to know to be an auctioneer?
Lots!
Where does the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!
Where are the Andes?
On the end of you armies!
What's yellow & white and travels at 100 mph?
A train driver's egg sandwich.
What do you call a man with an elephant on his head?
A flatmate.
Why was the broom late?
Because he over swept.
What do you call a elephant in the Antarctic
Lost.
How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick.
What do you call a blind deer?
No idea.
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea.
How do you make gold soup.
Put nine carrots in it.
What do you call a monkey with a machine gun?
Sir.
If there were no blinds,
It would be curtains for all of us.
What's covered in feathers, lays eggs, and is very funny?
A comedihen!
Why was the lion so popular in the zoo?
Because he was the mane feature!
What's musical and covers presents at Christmas?
Rapping paper!
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
Because he wasn't peeling well.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert?
Oh camel ye faithful.
We had grandma for Christmas dinner.
Really? We had turkey.
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I'll never part with it
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!
Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
The North Poll!
What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!
Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!
What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!
How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
Stacks!
What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
Santa Clues!
Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!
What do elves learn in school
The elf-abet!
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel)!
What Christmas Carol is a favourite of parents?
Silent Night!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claus-trophobic!
What's furry and tastes of mint?
A polo bear.
why are seagulls called seagulls?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bayguls!
Man walks into a shop and asks for a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps.
Shopkeeper replies "sorry, I've only got plane"
Who is the leader of the Hankeys?
The Hankycheif!
What do you need to know to be an auctioneer?
Lots!
Where does the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!
Where are the Andes?
On the end of you armies!
What's yellow & white and travels at 100 mph?
A train driver's egg sandwich.
What do you call a man with an elephant on his head?
A flatmate.
Why was the broom late?
Because he over swept.
What do you call a elephant in the Antarctic
Lost.
How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick.
What do you call a blind deer?
No idea.
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea.
How do you make gold soup.
Put nine carrots in it.
What do you call a monkey with a machine gun?
Sir.
If there were no blinds,
It would be curtains for all of us.
What's covered in feathers, lays eggs, and is very funny?
A comedihen!
Why was the lion so popular in the zoo?
Because he was the mane feature!
What's musical and covers presents at Christmas?
Rapping paper!
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
Because he wasn't peeling well.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert?
Oh camel ye faithful.
We had grandma for Christmas dinner.
Really? We had turkey.
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I'll never part with it
What did one pig say to the other? - Will you be my pen pal
What do you call an Australian sorcerer? - The wizard of Oz
What do you get when you cross a cat with a chemist? - Puss in boots
What does a vampire have for breakfast? - Readyneck
What happens when your pet frog breaks down? - it gets toad away
What kind of car does a lady in a pantomime drive? - A dame-ler
What was the first motorised vegetable? - the horseless cabbage
Why did Santa hand in his resignation? - Because there was no Claus(e) in his contract
Why hasn't anyone ever stolen a canal? - it has too many locks
Why is a foot a good Christmas present? - because it's a stocking filler
What do you call an Australian sorcerer? - The wizard of Oz
What do you get when you cross a cat with a chemist? - Puss in boots
What does a vampire have for breakfast? - Readyneck
What happens when your pet frog breaks down? - it gets toad away
What kind of car does a lady in a pantomime drive? - A dame-ler
What was the first motorised vegetable? - the horseless cabbage
Why did Santa hand in his resignation? - Because there was no Claus(e) in his contract
Why hasn't anyone ever stolen a canal? - it has too many locks
Why is a foot a good Christmas present? - because it's a stocking filler
Good one Fanriffic
What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan.
What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when."
Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.
What do you drain Christmas dinner brussel sprouts with?
An advent colander!
Is that policeman eating turkey?
No, he's eating truncheon meat.
What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan.
What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when."
Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.
What do you drain Christmas dinner brussel sprouts with?
An advent colander!
Is that policeman eating turkey?
No, he's eating truncheon meat.
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